As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a failure

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams Read More

In an attempt to offer a non-story to attract People or US Magazine readers to the once highly regarded circulation that is the Wall Street Journal, the daily publication listed top 10 best-looking NFL quarterbacks, ranked by how symmetrical their faces are. But the statistics just may prove that the science of beauty is not as accurate or fun as the practice of ranking looks by creative opinion.

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Dallas Cowboys - July 29 (rookies and veterans)

What They’re Saying: We’re so much better without T.O.. Miles Austin is twice the receiver he is. Tony Romo is done with Daisy Dukes and therefore focused on football.

Wish They’d Say: Please GOD, let Romo win one f*cking game of significance! And the fact Roy Williams has NEVER LIFTED WEIGHTS is a huge problem!

The Coach: Wade Phillips is the poster child for middle-aged coach who looks like an old lesbian. He’s also as lame of a duck as you can get. Jerry Jones is dying to hire Mike Shanahan or Bill Cowher next year, so it’ll take a ring to maybe save his job.

Best Case Scenario: T.O.-free, the Cowboys destroy the division with a power running game and stout defense and get to the Super Bowl.

Worst Case Scenario: Fans can use the largest HDTV in the world to see Williams have no interest in playing football and Romo put his hands on his head like he just remembered what color his jersey is.

Us Magazine, America’s most trusted tabloid, has reported that Dallas Cowboys star quarterback Tony Romo broke up with pop tart, but never quite pop star, and young botox fan, Jessica Simpson.

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A confused Tony Romo stood awkwardly still this morning as he played with a gigantic Siberian tiger in Bethesda, Maryland. The Dallas Cowboys’ slinger had reportedly been told by girlfriend Jessica Simpson that she had scored him a “tea time” with Tiger, which happens to be the name of the pictured tiger. Romo, an avid amateur golfer, thought that his girlfriend had meant a “tee time” with famed golfer Tiger Woods.

Friends of Romo that witnessed the “play time” said that he tried to play it cool while the 1100-pound predator drank a milk tea concoction from a baby’s bottle, but was actually “completely beside himself with terror”.

Romo refused to comment after the event, but he was seen intensely scowling at Simpson as they hurried to his vehicle.