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As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.
In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,
The Cowboys
Romo-thou art not a failure
Fumbulicious, maybe still
Play-offs still haunt your dreams
No longer necessary on special teams Read More
In an attempt to offer a non-story to attract People or US Magazine readers to the once highly regarded circulation that is the Wall Street Journal, the daily publication listed top 10 best-looking NFL quarterbacks, ranked by how symmetrical their faces are. But the statistics just may prove that the science of beauty is not as accurate or fun as the practice of ranking looks by creative opinion.
New England Patriots – July 26 (rookies) July 29 (veterans)
What They’re Saying: We won eleven games with Matt Effing Cassel. How do you think we’re going to be with Tom Brady?
Wish They Would Say: We are going to run up every score like we’re Steve Spurrier against Rice. At Rice.
The Coach: Regardless of whether he cheated, Belichick is the best X’s and O’s gameplanning coach of all time. He could roll out an HVAC unit at the QB spot and still content for a wild card (although Danny Wuerrfel would still be a tall order). As long as he’s coaching that team, the Pats should always have double digit wins.
Best Case Scenario: Uh… 19-0? They add Michael Vick as a utility guy and never stop scoring.
Worst Case Scenario: Tom Brady’s knee gives out and Kevin O’Connell can’t handle the pressure. Increased competition in the division makes the Pats mortal. Disaster season. They go 10-6.
With the news being dominated and scissor-kicked by the upcoming UFC 100 event on Saturday , let us not forget the lesser sporting news that get blotted out by the shadow of the big boys. Sure, they may not be exciting–and possibly depressing–but that doesn’t mean that ugly ducklings don’t need some love! And by love, I mean mocking them with lame jokes. Now, let’s hold hands and get to work!
US Magazine reported this morning that New England Patriot’s star QB Tom Brady (no, not Matt Cassel) has wed his Brazilian Supermodel girlfriend Gisele Bundchen. 
Bundchen and her three dogs wore matching Dolce and Gabbana floral lace collars, explaining why it took Brady three years to decide to actually marry her.
Last week, this video of Kurt Warner drawing his version of “God,” hit sports blogs all around the globe.
In the video we learn that not only are God and Jesus two different beings in his mind, but that it’s difficult for Kurt to discern them in his own drawings. Is it God or Jesus? Kurt doesn’t seem to be able to tell, but I asked some other NFL stars to draw their own versions of God and Heaven for this column. For better or for worse, this is how some football players interpret God.
New England WR Randy Moss drew this when asked to draw God
New England coach Bill Belichick drew this
Tony Romo drew Heaven…partially…
It looks good so far, but he had to quit early to get to a GQ cover shoot Read More
