Name: John Daly

Crime: Being a Fat Drunk

The PGA Championship is taking place this week at Hazeltine in Chaska, Minnesota and what better time to celebrate the PGA Tour’s biggest buffoon:  “Long John” Daly.  Yes, he may be as entertaining to watch as a 90mph train collision and even a great player when he wants to be - he holds 19 professional victories, including two major championships - but he is still golf’s biggest (and widest) basterd.

Here now are some of his career “highlights”:

* Daly claims when he was 23 years old he drank a fifth of Jack Daniel’s every day.  One incident includes him being removed from British Airways for harassing a flight attendant while drunk.

* Daly is charged with third-degree assault for throwing his second wife Bettye into a wall.  He apologizes for the incident, which has now been characterized more as a “shoving” than a “throwing.”  Daly later divorces Bettye when he learns she is ten years older than she had originally told him.

* In May 1993, after his opening round at the Kemper Open, Daly throws his score card in the scorer’s tent and gets disqualified.  In 1994, he quits in the middle of a round at Kapalua and is told to seek treatment for alcoholism.  These incidents, among others, result in a winless stretch between 1996 and 2001.  During this time, Daly becomes known for having spectacular blow-ups - often knocking multiple balls into the water or out-of-bounds, hitting the ball while it’s still moving and in play, and of course storming off greens in an alcohol induced rage. Read More

So, apparently Tiger Woods is human after all and a big fan of chili cheese fries…

On his way to victory at the Buick Open he let one rip.  And I’m not talking about his drive.

Indeed, Woods literally breezed past his competitors Sunday.  The win marked his 69th career PGA Tour victory.  He now needs just five more wins to blow by Nicklaus on the all-time list and become second behind only Sam Snead.  Incidentally, Snead was also rumored to have a bit of a flatulence problem, even coining the phrase “the shanks.”  But, that came much later in his career.

There are many things to love about sports. One is that they are cut and dry; mediocre standups can wait in line at open mics for years, chasing a delusional dream until their “What’s the deal with lawn darts?” bit no longer flies. But in sports, if you can’t bench 300 pounds and run a sub 5 forty, you have no hope of even sniffing the NFL. Another great thing is that they’ve become a fusion of athletic prowess and business acumen, with wiser teams staying competitive longer.

But the best thing about sports is that there are no foregone conclusions.

Years ago, the fact that Tiger Woods would become the all-time majors winner was considered to be exactly that. But a funny thing happened on the way to history. Tiger got hurt. Yes, everyone’s been downplaying the injury and using their breath instead to laud the heroic round at the US Open that led to said operation. But Tiger Woods is still four majors short of tying Jack Nicklaus. And he just missed the cut at the British Open.

This is not cause for ultimate disaster alarm. Tiger could very well play for another ten years and still get the precious few wins he needs to become the greatest golfer of all time. But the man is mortal. And he didn’t used to be. Vegas had him at nearly even money, above every other golfer and the field. Now? He’s just another guy out there.

While we wait and see if Tiger’s knee can hold up to hoist five more trophies, how about a little late love for the Golden Bear?

Dear Mr. Barkley,

I am such a big fan of yours.  I love your political incorrectness - most recently you called conservatives “fake Christians” and you said that if cursing on TV aversely affects your child, then you’re not a good parent.  I love your down home southern drawl.  It makes me want to hunt mosquitoes in a swamp then have a snake fry.  And your love of gambling inspires me to become a billionaire so I too can have the chance to lose it all on horse #5 at Santa Anita.  But, I’m sorry Sir Charles.  I’ve held it in far too long - watching your golf game makes me down right QUEASY.

Take a look at Exhibit A:

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So, Amy Mickelson has a little breast cancer?  So what?  Sure, there might be some bumps on the greens but I’d still like to put my shaft between those twin peaks.  In fact, I’ll even take a few mulligans on that.  And yeah, I’ll finish.  Dare I say, her remission puts me into submission.  No matter what her look I want to get it in her hole…

Cheerful and UV protected.
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A confused Tony Romo stood awkwardly still this morning as he played with a gigantic Siberian tiger in Bethesda, Maryland. The Dallas Cowboys’ slinger had reportedly been told by girlfriend Jessica Simpson that she had scored him a “tea time” with Tiger, which happens to be the name of the pictured tiger. Romo, an avid amateur golfer, thought that his girlfriend had meant a “tee time” with famed golfer Tiger Woods.

Friends of Romo that witnessed the “play time” said that he tried to play it cool while the 1100-pound predator drank a milk tea concoction from a baby’s bottle, but was actually “completely beside himself with terror”.

Romo refused to comment after the event, but he was seen intensely scowling at Simpson as they hurried to his vehicle.

After finishing tied for second at Bethpage, Phil Mickelson now holds the record for most runner-ups in U.S. Open history.  And apparently that’s just not good enough.

After the round, Amy Mickelson, who is currently in the hospital preparing for breast cancer surgery, filed for divorce from her biggest loser husband citing “irreconcilable differences and those green jackets just don’t do it for me anymore.”

“Certainly I’m disappointed,” Mickelson said, “but now that it’s over, I’ve got more important things going on.” Read More

The U.S. Open got off to a wet start Thursday morning at famed Bethpage Black in New York and Tiger Woods said he had absolutely nothing to do with it.  Though, this “journalist” can’t be so sure.

Fellow playing partner Padraig Harrington is also skeptical, “I saw him reach to the sky at one point,” Harrington said.  “But, I think that was just his swing.”

Yes, it seems the wet weather was arduous for everyone, including Woods, whose U.S. Open defense started with an adventure in the woods (sorry, had to) as he pulled his opening tee shot 50 yards off line.  Then, curiously enough it was raining like hell and play was  suspended just six hole holes later.  Coincidence?  One wonders. Read More

In the world of sports; it’s a common misconception that David Beckham was traded to the L.A. Galaxy to play soccer.  AEG, the Entertainment company that may or may not own the Galaxy — so many business changed hands during this recession you can never be too sure — wants us to believe that they paid 250 million for him to put U.S. Soccer on the map.  But the real reason Beckham came to America was to be a male supermodel.  He’s modeled in his underwear more than he’s scored.  At this moment, he’s on loan to Milan — the fashion capitol of the world to play “soccer.”

If more U.S. Sports overpaid for overrated athletes there would be huge billboards of LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods and Reggie Bush in their underwear.  Laker fans would walk by the Staples Center and see a huge Billboard with Kobe Bryant in his undies.  “How about those Lakers?”  “I sure miss the days when they were in the playoffs, but at least we have this magnificient billboard with Kobe in his briefs.”  “I feel better already.”  “Me too.”

Three-time major champion Phil Mickelson is suspending his PGA Tour schedule indefinitely. His wife, Amy, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. According to a release from Mickelson’s management company, she will have major surgery as early as within the next two weeks. While America is truly sympathetic, some players on tour have taken a uniquely different stance. Read More