CELEBRITY
GAMING
MOVIESMark McGwire admitted to using steroids during his career, which is equivalent to NBC admitting they have no idea how to manage a late night line-up. Just more stuff everybody already knew. Of course, the story couldn’t be out for long before Jose Canseco added his recollection of the times he injected every single player in baseball.
BFFs McGwire & Canseco in the Golden Age of Roid Rage
Floyd Mayweather, Jr.
Just in time for Boxing Day, the Floyd Mayweather, Jr.-Manny Pacquiao drug test scandal is putting old-fashioned punch ‘em out fighting temporarily in the limelight.
Name: Jose Canseco
Crime: Destroying America’s Pasttime.
It is certainly within the boundaries of feasibility to call Canseco a scoundrel, a fiend, or a ‘roided up sideshow. But just like Aldo Raine’s Nazi-hunting wrecking crew, their dastardly deeds were but a necessary evil. The “nahtzies” weren’t playing by the rules, so neither would they.
Canseco, for all of his crimes, was equally necessary.
The man who broke the Gheri Curl Color Barrier instantly burst on the scene as the new power-hitting prototype, looking like Blaze from American Gladitors sans the tangible homoeroticism. He was a 40-40 guy, one half of the Bash Brothers and patient zero for the Steroid Era, personally injecting basically everyone who did it.
Instead of letting his tiny-testicled disciples live in anonymity, Canseco pulled the sports equivalent of a busted mob enforcer turning states evidence. He brought everyone down. The last heroes of the game – Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Madonna – were all implicated in a vicious memoir dripping with the blood of the guilty and Walmart generic bronzer. They all went to Congress (yes, that Congress) and adamantly denied Canseco’s allegations, calling him reckless, ridiculous, and a douche.
But no one sued him. And they all went down.
The supports keeping baseball out of deep cable continue to fall every season, most recently with the Storybook 2004 Red Sox being exposed as cheaters. Canseco is directly responsible for the downfall of the game, but you can’t call him an a*shole. If he wasn’t right every single time, he’d be a d*ck. If his actions didn’t shine a light on an industry entirely based on helping athletes cheat, he’d be a douchebag. If the purity of baseball didn’t actually have a shot now that the needles have been removed, he’d be a motherf*cker.
But instead, he’s just another necessary basterd.
Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are reported to be on “the list” of the Major League baseball players that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs is 2003.
San Diego Chargers – July 26 (rookies) July 31 (veterans)
What They’re Saying: Philip Rivers is about to establish himself as an elite quarterback in the league.
Wish They Said: He’d better, because the running game is pretty much done. LaDainian Tomlinson’s toes look like James Caan’s in Misery.
The Coach: It’s no secret that Norv Turner isn’t a real coach. You can’t ever really be surprised if his team falls to bits and he gets canned. Not saying it’ll happen this year, but it’s inevitable at some point.
Best Case Scenario: Shawne Merriman comes back and rejuvinates the sagging pass rush, Tomlinson gets back in form, the Chargers beat the hell out of the horrifically weak division and cruise to a bye week.
Worst Case Scenario: Rivers punches an usher in the mouth for looking at his girl. Turner puts in Air Force’s offense. Tomlinson embarrasses himself on Celebrity Password. They lose the division to any of the terrible teams in the West.
According to team sources, Manny Ramirez is set to return to game action for the first place Dodgers July 3rd.
So, is Manny excited to be back?
“Back for what, man?” Ramirez quipped, as he took a long puff. “Dude, ya know Martians don’t need to refrigerate food? Ya man, it’s always room temperature. No matter what room you be in. Always room temperature. Isn’t that fascinating?”
Survey tests conducted by Major League Baseball revealed that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. In other news that we all could have pretty much figured out on our own, studies have revealed that the KFC Famous Bowl (Death Bowl) is really unhealthy.
Sammy Sosa, who has not played since 2007, decided to cash in on some limelight by officially retiring from baseball unemployment.
It’s not just for Europe and South America anymore. Yes, that’s right… some Americans are now claiming the MLS is somewhat of a league to be mildly respected when really bored and/or there’s nothing else going on.
A relative of mine that will not be named hooked up with a MLS player. “He’s like, kind of famous,” she said. Soccer? In the U.S.A? Those guys can’t be counted as celebrities, can they?
We all noticed in the 2007 season when David Beckham showed up. Remember that? Water cooler conversation for a couple of days. Also, a way-too-easy Jeopardy! question that continues to appear on the show.
