Name: Jose Canseco

Crime: Destroying America’s Pasttime.

It is certainly within the boundaries of feasibility to call Canseco a scoundrel, a fiend, or a ‘roided up sideshow. But just like Aldo Raine’s Nazi-hunting wrecking crew, their dastardly deeds were but a necessary evil. The “nahtzies” weren’t playing by the rules, so neither would they.

Canseco, for all of his crimes, was equally necessary.

The man who broke the Gheri Curl Color Barrier instantly burst on the scene as the new power-hitting prototype, looking like Blaze from American Gladitors sans the tangible homoeroticism. He was a 40-40 guy, one half of the Bash Brothers and patient zero for the Steroid Era, personally injecting basically everyone who did it.

Instead of letting his tiny-testicled disciples live in anonymity, Canseco pulled the sports equivalent of a busted mob enforcer turning states evidence. He brought everyone down. The last heroes of the game – Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Alex Rodriguez, Madonna – were all implicated in a vicious memoir dripping with the blood of the guilty and Walmart generic bronzer. They all went to Congress (yes, that Congress) and adamantly denied Canseco’s allegations, calling him reckless, ridiculous, and a douche.

But no one sued him. And they all went down.

The supports keeping baseball out of deep cable continue to fall every season, most recently with the Storybook 2004 Red Sox being exposed as cheaters. Canseco is directly responsible for the downfall of the game, but you can’t call him an a*shole. If he wasn’t right every single time, he’d be a d*ck. If his actions didn’t shine a light on an industry entirely based on helping athletes cheat, he’d be a douchebag. If the purity of baseball didn’t actually have a shot now that the needles have been removed, he’d be a motherf*cker.

But instead, he’s just another necessary basterd.

The drugs do him.

Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz are reported to be on “the list” of the Major League baseball players that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs is 2003.

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San Diego Chargers – July 26 (rookies) July 31 (veterans)

What They’re Saying: Philip Rivers is about to establish himself as an elite quarterback in the league.

Wish They Said: He’d better, because the running game is pretty much done. LaDainian Tomlinson’s toes look like James Caan’s in Misery.

The Coach: It’s no secret that Norv Turner isn’t a real coach. You can’t ever really be surprised if his team falls to bits and he gets canned. Not saying it’ll happen this year, but it’s inevitable at some point.

Best Case Scenario: Shawne Merriman comes back and rejuvinates the sagging pass rush, Tomlinson gets back in form, the Chargers beat the hell out of the horrifically weak division and cruise to a bye week.

Worst Case Scenario: Rivers punches an usher in the mouth for looking at his girl. Turner puts in Air Force’s offense. Tomlinson embarrasses himself on Celebrity Password. They lose the division to any of the terrible teams in the West.

According to team sources, Manny Ramirez is set to return to game action for the first place Dodgers July 3rd.

So, is Manny excited to be back?

“Back for what, man?”  Ramirez quipped, as he took a long puff.  “Dude, ya know Martians don’t need to refrigerate food?  Ya man, it’s always room temperature.  No matter what room you be in.  Always room temperature.  Isn’t that fascinating?”

Survey tests conducted by Major League Baseball revealed that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003.  In other news that we all could have pretty much figured out on our own, studies have revealed that the KFC Famous Bowl (Death Bowl) is really unhealthy.

Sammy Sosa, who has not played since 2007, decided to cash in on some limelight by officially retiring from baseball unemployment.

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It’s not just for Europe and South America anymore. Yes, that’s right… some Americans are now claiming the MLS is somewhat of a league to be mildly respected when really bored and/or there’s nothing else going on.

A relative of mine that will not be named hooked up with a MLS player. “He’s like, kind of famous,” she said. Soccer? In the U.S.A? Those guys can’t be counted as celebrities, can they?

We all noticed in the 2007 season when David Beckham showed up. Remember that? Water cooler conversation for a couple of days. Also, a way-too-easy Jeopardy! question that continues to appear on the show.

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As we all have heard at least 4,399 times by now, Yankees star Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids six years ago. In less time than it takes to finish reading the article, “A-Fraud” and “A-Roid” shirts were already for sale all over the internet. Cries of shock and horror echoed through the land from fans of the highest paid player in baseball, to those who live to despise him. The steroid stamp has been printed on A-Rod. Now let the public outrage unleash by letting this discussion push you through your end of football season blues.

But I say “of course.” All the baseball players in this era do steroids. It is the steroid era in baseball. How is everyone shocked every time a new player is revealed to have cheated when it is clear that they all do it? At some point or another, some more than others, some using steroids, some using crafty varieties of the same concept, all of the major league baseball players have used performance enhancing drugs. The issue truly is that clear. I know it still breaks many hearts: you can see some fans look like little leaguers in their eyes filled with disappointment for the sanctity of the game, but they all do it. Baseball players at this level live for the competition and use to try to get ahead or to keep up. Don’t pretend your favorite player is the exception. They all have done it at one point or another. Read More