CELEBRITY
GAMING
MOVIESConsidering the Giants had the day off, a lot went their way. Not only did the team not lose, but the Eagles and Cowboys did… which is always nice.
They are all NFL superstars and they have all been sent to or are going to jail. Unfortunately, for former New York Giants Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress, that’s where the similarities end. Let’s review, shall we:
Michael Vick - He serves 18 months in prison for torturing animals and running an illegal dog fighting ring. He was recently signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.
Donte Stallworth - The Cleveland Browns receiver pleads guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge stemming from a March 14th incident where he killed a man while driving drunk. He receives a 30-day jail sentence but is released after just 24.
Plaxico Burress - He pleads guilty to a weapons charge and accepts two years in prison for accidentally shooting himself in the thigh at a Manhatten nightclub.
So, boys and girls what have we learned here today? 1) If you’re going to illegally carry a firearm into a night club and shoot it, make sure you shoot someone other than yourself. AND 2) If you’re going to kill something be sure it’s a human being (preferably of minority descent, the man Stallworth ran over was Cuban - I’m not a racist) and not a furry animal.
Name: Terrell Owens
Crime: Creating Unnecessary Controversy/Making America Dumber/Dropping Passes.
He’s the king of controversial firestorms and now he even has his own show (so who’s genius idea was that?). Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Terrell Owens, a six-time Pro Bowl selection, holds the NFL’s single-game reception record AND he’s a f*cking basterd. Take exhibits A, B, C, D, E…
August 2004: Owens insinuates in an interview with Playboy magazine that 49ers Quarterback Jeff Garcia is a homosexual. “If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat…”
November 15, 2004: Wearing a Philadephia Eagles jersey, Owens appears with Nicollette Sheridan (of the ABC series Desperate Housewives) in an introductory skit to open that evening’s Monday Night Football. Many condemn the skit as being sexually suggestive - at the conclusion, Sheridan removes her towel - and ABC later apologizes for airing it.
April 2005: Owens announces that he has hired super agent Drew Rosenhaus and indicates he’s seeking to have his contract with the Philadelphia Eagles renegotiated. He makes comment to the effect that he “wasn’t the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl.” The remark was in reference to Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb throwing up on the field during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX.
November 3, 2005: Owens gets into a fight with Eagles Defensive End Hugh Douglas, the leader of the team. In an interview with ESPN, Owens voices his frustrations over the team not recognizing his 100th career touchdown. He calls the Eagles a classless organization.
When asked whether or not he agreed with a comment made by ESPN analyst and good friend Michael Irvin, Owens agrees that the Eagles would be undefeated if Brett Favre were the quarterback of the team instead of Donovan McNabb.
November 8, 2005: Owens and Rosenhaus hold a news conference at Owens’ residence in Moorestown, New Jersey. Owens does sit-ups in his driveway then apologizes to the team and the fans. After Owens reads his statement, Rosenhaus infuriates reporters by answering the majority of their questions with a “next question.”
September 27, 2006: Media outlets in Dallas report Owens tries to kill himself by intentionally ingesting an overdose of hydrocodone, a pain medication. Owens leaves the hospital later that day and at a press conference denies having made a suicide attempt and that doctors had pumped his stomach, stating that he expects to join the team for practice the next morning. Owens’ publicist, Kim Etheridge, first says Owens was “depressed” then later refutes the report, saying Owens had suffered allergic reaction to the medication combined with a dietary supplement. Read More
Philadelphia Eagles – July 26 (rookies) July 29 (veterans)
What They’re Saying: We’re a power running game away from being a Super Bowl team. Everyone’s back, let’s get after it.
Wish They Would Say: Yeah, we really, REALLY didn’t want to cut Brian Dawkins. No one knows what to do without him. Really, Mike Patterson lined up facing the sideline once.
The Coach: Andy Reid is the best coach to not be liked by his own fans. Can we get the man a trophy for being able to handle that? Reid won’t get fired. Unless a crazed Philly fan clubs Jeff Lurie in the neck with a table leg.
Best Case Scenario: The Eagles pick up where they left off and dominate a weakened division, cruising to a first round bye.
Worst Case Scenario: Brian Westbrook finally runs out of gas, the defense misses Dawkins and Lito Sheppard, Mark Wahlberg signs up for Invincible 2, donning a fat suit to portray a murderous Andy Reid.
Firing people over their Facebook lifestyle is the new cool thing to do, behind lay offs.
On March 5th, thirty-five year old Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. This could have lead to the following advertisement:
Flamboyant, past-his-prime Wide Receiver seeks fourth NFL team to excite and disrupt. Work Experience: Caught passes from homosexual in San Francisco, lost Superbowl due to tired quarterback vomiting under pressure in Philadelphia and after learning nothing from Bill Parcells, cried for his team leader Romo when times got tough in Dallas. 
In-game hobbies include: light cheerleading, sharpie calligraphy, “bird” dancing, mimicking the “bird” dance, mock waiting tables, napping and other talented improvisational acts. Requires a quarterback who will throw to him on almost every passing play, while forgiving dropped passes and excessive celebration penalties after touchdowns. With questionable overdoses in the past, Terrell Owens is ready for the next team the way his agent is always ready for the next question.
