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As of today, 22 teams have looked either, good, solid or decent. They play well enough to think “Yeah, I could see them making a run and getting into the playoffs.” The Colts, Saints, Broncos and Vikings are undefeated and playing really stellar football. They’ve all been tested and won tough contest against quality opponents. The other 18 have all shown flashes of promise and are entertaining to watch week in and week out.
The remaining 10 teams are an embarrassment to football, the NFL and sports in general. Those teams are:
- Oakland
- Detroit
- Carolina
- Buffalo
- Cleveland
- Kansas City
- Tampa Bay
- Tennessee
- St. Louis
- Washington
They don’t deserve to play the rest of the season. Of those 10 teams, they have won a combined 11 times. Only 2 of those times have against teams in the top 22 (Oakland vs. Philly & Buffalo vs the Jets). Cleveland’s lone win was a 6-3 thrill fest against Buffalo. There are three winless teams. Tennessee suffered the worst NFL loss in 30 years. Half of the games every week are decided before kickoff or are Washington-Detroit-esque slapfights.
It would be easy to just 86 the lot of them. There would be no more “Oh God, do I have to watch Oakland-Detroit this week?” (The Gods were merciful in blacking out that game regionally in Detroit.) But there’s a lot of players on those teams who really deserve to be on a winner and it wouldn’t be fair to just dump them out of the league because the management of their respective teams shouldn’t be allowed to control a Madden 2010 team, much less a real NFL team.
Well maybe not a LOT of players, but maybe enough to field a team. So, here’s what I propose:
- Remove the above teams.
- Take the best players from those teams and combine them into a new team. The Las Vegas Zoo.
Bill Simmons has been pleading for a pro team in Vegas for some time now and we all win when he’s happy. Why name them “The Zoo”? Other than the fact that its awesome? We need to offer some concession to those teams being dismissed. We need to honor their history and mascots. You have 5 teams with animal mascots (if you count Cleveland Dog Pound instead of the bland “Browns”), you have 2 teams represented by pirates (Buccaneers & Raiders), 2 teams represented by Indians (Chiefs & Redskins) and the ironically named Titans. You can has a logo of all of the mascots of the redacted teams in cages on a pirate ship being watched by the indigenous people of America. And we just ignore the Titan part of it. They lost their right to be represented after letting Brian Hoyer score a rushing touchdown against them. Yeah, there’s a reason you don’t know who Hoyer is. Everyone is happy. But now for the fun part: Fielding the team (after the jump):
A friend of mine asked me how it was that some tri-state area people are Giants fans and others Jets fans. I broke the question down the best way I could by explaining that there were many factors: it matters if you went to any games growing up, who your parents were fans of, where you grew up, if you constantly show off how proud you are that you know how to spell a four-letter word, if you have manners, if you have a criminal record, or if you are a masochist.
The Giants do have four times as many hall of famers, have been around for 35 more seasons then the Jets and there are actually Giants fans in parts of New England.
the next several weeks (until Big Blue blows someone out, or blows a game).As the teams line up for kickoff, the slow tolling a the AC/DC “Hells Bells” blast through Giants Stadium to ring in the game and the new season. Read More
In an attempt to offer a non-story to attract People or US Magazine readers to the once highly regarded circulation that is the Wall Street Journal, the daily publication listed top 10 best-looking NFL quarterbacks, ranked by how symmetrical their faces are. But the statistics just may prove that the science of beauty is not as accurate or fun as the practice of ranking looks by creative opinion.
They are all NFL superstars and they have all been sent to or are going to jail. Unfortunately, for former New York Giants Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress, that’s where the similarities end. Let’s review, shall we:
Michael Vick - He serves 18 months in prison for torturing animals and running an illegal dog fighting ring. He was recently signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.
Donte Stallworth - The Cleveland Browns receiver pleads guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge stemming from a March 14th incident where he killed a man while driving drunk. He receives a 30-day jail sentence but is released after just 24.
Plaxico Burress - He pleads guilty to a weapons charge and accepts two years in prison for accidentally shooting himself in the thigh at a Manhatten nightclub.
So, boys and girls what have we learned here today? 1) If you’re going to illegally carry a firearm into a night club and shoot it, make sure you shoot someone other than yourself. AND 2) If you’re going to kill something be sure it’s a human being (preferably of minority descent, the man Stallworth ran over was Cuban - I’m not a racist) and not a furry animal.
What, do you think your life is like an episode of “Guiding Light?” You think we have nothing better to do with our time than monitor your current level of interest in playing in the NFL like it’s a goddamn terrorist alert meter? Come back, don’t come back. You go back and forth more often than Ron Jeremy.
And I’m not even from Green Bay, or Wisconsin, or even the “heartland.” I’m not a cheese head, a provolone enthusiast, a muenster fanatic, or even a cheese dog eater (hot dogs, you sick f*cks). Hell, I don’t even like cheese! Just kidding. Come on, who doesn’t like cheese?
I’m just sick of your sh*t, Brett Favre! I’d rather watch 20 news reports on Michael Vick drowning his 10-month-old poodle than have to listen to another one of your press conferences about “Oh, I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring” or “Maybe I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring but I feel like crying anyway.”
I’ve already blogged about your waffling ass eight times this summer and I thought I was f*cking done! But, then you pull this: “Um, yeah I don’t feel like playing this year so I, Brett Favre, am officially retiring.” Only, to hear weeks later that this was a done deal all along and that you just didn’t want to go through the riggers of a full training camp.
Yeah, you seem like a nice enough guy but F*CK YOU AND THE WRANGLER JEANS YOU RODE IN ON! I hope your 57-year-old arm breaks off when you try to throw a screen pass, you decrepit, old son of a b*tch! I hope the next time you’re sacked all the brittle bones in your body turn to dust, you arrogant self-centered motherf*cker! This blogger is done! Done with Brett Favre! And no, it’s not just because I was fired three hours ago. Hoo-ray football! Hoo-ray beer!
Of course, Brett Favre has signed a deal with the Minnesota Vikings as the local “Look at me, I can’t live without attention” guy.
Name: Terrell Owens
Crime: Creating Unnecessary Controversy/Making America Dumber/Dropping Passes.
He’s the king of controversial firestorms and now he even has his own show (so who’s genius idea was that?). Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Terrell Owens, a six-time Pro Bowl selection, holds the NFL’s single-game reception record AND he’s a f*cking basterd. Take exhibits A, B, C, D, E…
August 2004: Owens insinuates in an interview with Playboy magazine that 49ers Quarterback Jeff Garcia is a homosexual. “If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat…”
November 15, 2004: Wearing a Philadephia Eagles jersey, Owens appears with Nicollette Sheridan (of the ABC series Desperate Housewives) in an introductory skit to open that evening’s Monday Night Football. Many condemn the skit as being sexually suggestive - at the conclusion, Sheridan removes her towel - and ABC later apologizes for airing it.
April 2005: Owens announces that he has hired super agent Drew Rosenhaus and indicates he’s seeking to have his contract with the Philadelphia Eagles renegotiated. He makes comment to the effect that he “wasn’t the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl.” The remark was in reference to Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb throwing up on the field during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX.
November 3, 2005: Owens gets into a fight with Eagles Defensive End Hugh Douglas, the leader of the team. In an interview with ESPN, Owens voices his frustrations over the team not recognizing his 100th career touchdown. He calls the Eagles a classless organization.
When asked whether or not he agreed with a comment made by ESPN analyst and good friend Michael Irvin, Owens agrees that the Eagles would be undefeated if Brett Favre were the quarterback of the team instead of Donovan McNabb.
November 8, 2005: Owens and Rosenhaus hold a news conference at Owens’ residence in Moorestown, New Jersey. Owens does sit-ups in his driveway then apologizes to the team and the fans. After Owens reads his statement, Rosenhaus infuriates reporters by answering the majority of their questions with a “next question.”
September 27, 2006: Media outlets in Dallas report Owens tries to kill himself by intentionally ingesting an overdose of hydrocodone, a pain medication. Owens leaves the hospital later that day and at a press conference denies having made a suicide attempt and that doctors had pumped his stomach, stating that he expects to join the team for practice the next morning. Owens’ publicist, Kim Etheridge, first says Owens was “depressed” then later refutes the report, saying Owens had suffered allergic reaction to the medication combined with a dietary supplement. Read More
