Stallworth Suggests Manslaughter Not His Fault

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth said the man he struck and killed during a drunk driving incident back in March came out of nowhere.

Currently, Stallworth is rotting in jail serving a 30-day sentence after pleading guilty to the DUI manslaughter of 59-year-old Mario Reyes.  Stallworth is also serving two years’ house arrest and is suspended from the NFL indefinitely.

Police have said Reyes was not in a crosswalk and was running to catch a bus (or perhaps a raft) when he was hit by Stallworth.  On the 911 call released Monday, Stallworth describes how the victim “just ran in front of my car.”

So, is Stallworth suggesting that anytime a human being runs out in front of a car the person driving the car should try and kill them?

We can neither confirm nor deny.

Vick To “Work” With Children

Michael Vick is not just a dog lover.  Apparently, he loves children, too.

The suspended NFL star will be leaving his job with a Virginia construction company to work with youngsters at a Boys & Girls Club.  Vick needs a job to meet the conditions of his probation.  He had previously been earning $10 an hour.

Steven Kast, CEO of the Boys & Girls Clubs of the Virginia Peninsula, says Vick will be working with children on health and fitness activities at several clubs in the Hampton Roads area.

There is no word yet whether Vick will be having the kids settle their differences by fighting to the death in the middle of a ring as Vick’s “pals” watch on excitedly placing their bets and penetrating one another from behind.

The Dead Zone

We are now in the Dead Zone. The U.S. Open has just concluded (Tiger did not win but Phil performed his folderama so at the least the Universe makes half-sense), the never-ending NBA and NHL playoffs have finally ended and the NCAA football and basketball championships are but a distant memory (who won?). Not even the NFL can fill in the Dead Zone in its quest of an all-year season although all are trying their best with the latest Brett Favre Watch and other drivel. Tennis has two meaningful matches a year and Federer wins. Soccer at its highest level is fun to watch for a few minutes but it is soccer. The WNBA is not an option.

Unless you live in one of four or five cities, baseball, the American past-time (and I emphasize “past”) is of little or no interest to most of us who do not have owners willing to spend $100 million plus to try to buy a championship. Even if you dare go to a game on a nice summer night, I defy anyone to actually watch an entire baseball game on television for nine innings without taking a nap (induced or otherwise) or surf the Net or feed the cat (repeatedly). It is almost impossible to watch grown men in uniforms just stare at one another for long periods of time between a few seconds of action and ED commercials.

Even the sportswriters feel the pain in the Dead Zone. Do we really care about the human interest story of the undrafted free agent rookie on the Ravens/Giants/Eagles (pick any team) who will get cut before the second exhibition game? I believe that the weekly leaks on the baseball steroids abusers are not coming from the Justice Department, but rather from some sports desk editor desperately trying to find something interesting to write about for his shrinking readership. Read More

L.A. Lakers: World Champions?

The Los Angeles Lakers recently won the NBA Championship and were instantly proclaimed the World Champions. What? Excuse me? The NBA is made up of 29 American teams, and one Canadian team, the Toronto Raptors. And winning this apparently makes someone the champion of the entire world? You know, I once won a ping-pong tournament that had an Estonian kid in it. Does that make me the supreme table tennis victor of the whole universe?

This quandary does not only exist in the NBA. The MLB contains only one Canadian team, the Toronto Blue Jays, and yet their championship is the World Series. World? Really? Really? Considering that Japan has twice won the World Baseball Classic, and our some of our leagues best are Latin Americans, Philadelphia Phillies may not be the best in the entire world. They might not even be the best in Philadelphia.

And then there’s the NFL … well, okay this is legit. We here in America have the only real football teams – not including that “football” crap they play in the World Cup. However, back when there was an NFL Europa, I really would have wanted to see the New England Patriots compete against the Hamburg Sea Devils. But now that NFL Europa is finished, I guess I’m okay with calling the Superbowl winner the world champion.

But L.A. Lakers, you haven’t earned it yet. So congratulations on your national championship. I would even go as far as calling you Can-American Champions. But Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, please don’t be presumptuous and call yourselves the World Champions until you’ve played Dimitris Diamantidis and the Panathinaikos Basketball Club.

Favre On A Deadline: No Worries

Brett Favre is no stranger to working against the clock.  However, his most recent challenge is the deadline imposed by the Minnesota Vikings head coach, Brad Childress, that will require him to make his decision about playing in the 2009 season by the end of the week.  Surely, Favre is experiencing a bit of stress.  I’m here to let him know that deadlines are not what they used to be.  If you miss one, you will by no means end up dead.  In fact, there are several ways for Favre to get around the deadline and buy himself some more time.

1. Send your decision in the form of an email attachment, but “accidentally” attach the wrong file.  Make the decision while waiting for the Vikings to email back saying it’s the wrong attachment.  Say sorry in the reply and send the real decision.

2. Announce a death in the family shortly before the deadline.  The Vikings will probably assume that it’s a lie, but if they anything less than understanding, scream, “How dare you!” and storm off.  Out of fear of looking insensitive, they’ll give you a little more time. Read More

Favre’s Family Prepares for Comeback

Is Brett Favre coming back to the NFL in a Minnesota Vikings uniform?

Apparently, his family and friends are convinced.  They’ve booked hotels in Green Bay for November 1st, which is when the Vikings are scheduled to play the Packers at Lambeau Field.  According to the Green Bay Press-Gazette, a person described as “a member of Favre’s inner circle” blocked off between 25 and 30 rooms at the Midway Motor Lodge.  This same person then turned around and canceled those reservations only to re-book at the Green Bay Days Inn.  He then canceled the Days Inn reservations only to ask the Green Bay Wildlife Motel to hold reservations for him pending upcoming surgery related to a torn biceps tendon on his “drinking hand.”

New Look For The Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions, who went 0-16 last season, have a new, beefed up look for the 2009-2010 season.  The Lions will have Honolulu blue uniforms with a bolder logo and team name.  First, it is surprising that there is actually money to be found in Detroit with the dying American automotive industry.  But keep in mind that this upgrade is only a superficial one.  The personel has changed very little and it will likely show when they take the field in the upcoming months.  Fancy outfits don’t turn haggard, ragtag whores into classy ladies and new uniforms don’t turn haggard, ragtag teams into winners.

NFL “OK” With Marshall Hitting Girls

Denver Broncos Pro Bowl receiver Brandon Marshall struck again.  Literally.  And the NFL is apparently “okay” with that.

League Spokesman Greg Aiello said the NFL has decided not take disciplinary action against Marshall for his latest domestic abuse arrest stemming from a March 6th incident.

“Marshall is a terrific player in this league and if he feels the need to beat a wife or girlfriend from time to time then so be it,” Aiello said.  Read More

Riots erupt at ESPN offices after someone inadvertently comments–“Someday Terrell Owens will retire.”

Pandemonium erupted this morning at the usually tranquil ESPN offices in Bristol, Connecticut, when an associate producer for ESPN’s flagship “Sports Center” made a casual remark at the show’s morning meeting that at some point “Terrell Owens was going to retire.”

A handful of fires were reported and several people had to receive medical attention, as everyone in the room exploded into panic upon hearing that their own Public Enemy #1 would one day hang-up his cleats. Once that realization set in, the bedlam spilled out of the conference room and into the main offices, as employees were found chaotically trying to back-up files, taking baseball bats to camera equipment, some frantically trying to carry cardboard cutouts of Brett Favre to safety, and curmudgeon Skip Bayless even “accidentally” lit longtime friend of Sports Center commercials, Mr. Met’s, head on fire for being “an abomination to other more talented mascots.”

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Shockey Asses Out in Vegas

“I’ve fallen cause I got too drunk!”

New Orleans Tight End Jeremy Shockey took a quick trip to the hospital Sunday where he was treated for dehydration after he was found unconscious. No surgery to remove his pride was necessary.

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