Aah, how we love college football:  the pig-roasting, the tail-gating, the epic match-ups (can’t wait for Florida v. Charleston Southern week 1), the obnoxious fans, the arrogant coaches, the USC Song Girls, Texas girls, girls of the SEC, freshman girls… Here now is what to look for this upcoming season:

Non BCS School Goes Undefeated
Last year, Utah went a perfect 13-0 and didn’t get a chance to play for a national championship.  In 2006, it was Boise State who went undefeated but got denied national championship consideration.  The disparity between the haves and have-nots of college football has gotten so out of hand, Mountain West Conference Commissioner Craig Thompson visited Capitol Hill as part of a two-day lobbying effort to seek changes in the Bowl Championship Series.  Change may be a’ coming, just not yet.  Prediction: Look for The Citadel - hint:  take the over against Wofford - to keep the tradition alive and play in the Orange Bowl come January.  Sadly, though, they will again be overlooked for the national championship.

Charlie Weis Breaks Down

A new billboard facing the Notre Dame campus offers a not-so-subtle reminder that the past two seasons have not been up to the standards of the storied Fighting Irish football program.  It reads:  “Best wishes to Charlie Weis in the fifth year of his college coaching internship.”  However, with a softer schedule and a more experienced group of players, many expect the Irish to bounce back strong and make a BCS bowl. Prediction: Weis opts for gastric bypass surgery to avoid watching his Irish tank the end of another embarrassing season.

Joe Paterno Dying

The winningest coach in major college football history has a new contract to go along with his new hip, which will give him the oppurtunity to coach Penn State through the year 2011.  But, he’s 82 f*cking years old!  My grandpop’s 82 and I wouldn’t trust him making a cheese sandwich!  Paterno used to be a coaching genius.  Now, he’s just an old codger roaming with way-too-thick glasses.  “There’s no reason for me not to think that I can go for a while,” Paterno said, as he strapped himself up to an oxygen tank.  “Now how long is a while?  I don’t know.” Michigan State game November 21st: Paterno dies.  Penn State wins.  They bury his body in the end zone just like he always wanted. Read More

They are all NFL superstars and they have all been sent to or are going to jail.  Unfortunately, for former New York Giants Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress, that’s where the similarities end.  Let’s review, shall we:

Michael Vick - He serves 18 months in prison for torturing animals and running an illegal dog fighting ring.  He was recently signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.

Donte Stallworth - The Cleveland Browns receiver pleads guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge stemming from a March 14th incident where he killed a man while driving drunk.  He receives a 30-day jail sentence but is released after just 24.

Plaxico Burress - He pleads guilty to a weapons charge and accepts two years in prison for accidentally shooting himself in the thigh at a Manhatten nightclub.

So, boys and girls what have we learned here today?  1)  If you’re going to illegally carry a firearm into a night club and shoot it, make sure you shoot someone other than yourself.  AND  2) If you’re going to kill something be sure it’s a human being (preferably of minority descent, the man Stallworth ran over was Cuban - I’m not a racist) and not a furry animal.

What, do you think your life is like an episode of “Guiding Light?”  You think we have nothing better to do with our time than monitor your current level of interest in playing in the NFL like it’s a goddamn terrorist alert meter?  Come back, don’t come back.  You go back and forth more often than Ron Jeremy.

And I’m not even from Green Bay, or Wisconsin, or even the “heartland.”  I’m not a cheese head, a provolone enthusiast, a muenster fanatic, or even a cheese dog eater (hot dogs, you sick f*cks).  Hell, I don’t even like cheese!  Just kidding.  Come on, who doesn’t like cheese?

I’m just sick of your sh*t, Brett Favre!  I’d rather watch 20 news reports on Michael Vick drowning his 10-month-old poodle than have to listen to another one of your press conferences about “Oh, I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring” or “Maybe I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring but I feel like crying anyway.”

I’ve already blogged about your waffling ass eight times this summer and I thought I was f*cking done!  But, then you pull this:  “Um, yeah I don’t feel like playing this year so I, Brett Favre, am officially retiring.”  Only, to hear weeks later that this was a done deal all along and that you just didn’t want to go through the riggers of a full training camp.

Yeah, you seem like a nice enough guy but F*CK YOU AND THE WRANGLER JEANS YOU RODE IN ON!  I hope your 57-year-old arm breaks off when you try to throw a screen pass, you decrepit, old son of a b*tch!  I hope the next time you’re sacked all the brittle bones in your body turn to dust, you arrogant self-centered motherf*cker!  This blogger is done!  Done with Brett Favre!  And no, it’s not just because I was fired three hours ago.  Hoo-ray football!  Hoo-ray beer!

Name: John Daly

Crime: Being a Fat Drunk

The PGA Championship is taking place this week at Hazeltine in Chaska, Minnesota and what better time to celebrate the PGA Tour’s biggest buffoon:  “Long John” Daly.  Yes, he may be as entertaining to watch as a 90mph train collision and even a great player when he wants to be - he holds 19 professional victories, including two major championships - but he is still golf’s biggest (and widest) basterd.

Here now are some of his career “highlights”:

* Daly claims when he was 23 years old he drank a fifth of Jack Daniel’s every day.  One incident includes him being removed from British Airways for harassing a flight attendant while drunk.

* Daly is charged with third-degree assault for throwing his second wife Bettye into a wall.  He apologizes for the incident, which has now been characterized more as a “shoving” than a “throwing.”  Daly later divorces Bettye when he learns she is ten years older than she had originally told him.

* In May 1993, after his opening round at the Kemper Open, Daly throws his score card in the scorer’s tent and gets disqualified.  In 1994, he quits in the middle of a round at Kapalua and is told to seek treatment for alcoholism.  These incidents, among others, result in a winless stretch between 1996 and 2001.  During this time, Daly becomes known for having spectacular blow-ups - often knocking multiple balls into the water or out-of-bounds, hitting the ball while it’s still moving and in play, and of course storming off greens in an alcohol induced rage. Read More

Name: Terrell Owens

Crime: Creating Unnecessary Controversy/Making America Dumber/Dropping Passes.

He’s the king of controversial firestorms and now he even has his own show (so who’s genius idea was that?).  Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Terrell Owens, a six-time Pro Bowl selection, holds the NFL’s single-game reception record AND he’s a f*cking basterd.  Take exhibits A, B, C, D, E…

August 2004:  Owens insinuates in an interview with Playboy magazine that 49ers Quarterback Jeff Garcia is a homosexual.  “If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat…”

November 15, 2004:  Wearing a Philadephia Eagles jersey, Owens appears with Nicollette Sheridan (of the ABC series Desperate Housewives) in an introductory skit to open that evening’s Monday Night Football.  Many condemn the skit as being sexually suggestive - at the conclusion, Sheridan removes her towel - and ABC later apologizes for airing it.

April 2005:  Owens announces that he has hired super agent Drew Rosenhaus and indicates he’s seeking to have his contract with the Philadelphia Eagles renegotiated.  He makes comment to the effect that he “wasn’t the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl.”  The remark was in reference to Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb throwing up on the field during the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXXIX.

November 3, 2005:  Owens gets into a fight with Eagles Defensive End Hugh Douglas, the leader of the team.  In an interview with ESPN, Owens voices his frustrations over the team not recognizing his 100th career touchdown.  He calls the Eagles a classless organization.

When asked whether or not he agreed with a comment made by ESPN analyst and good friend Michael Irvin, Owens agrees that the Eagles would be undefeated if Brett Favre were the quarterback of the team instead of Donovan McNabb.

November 8, 2005:  Owens and Rosenhaus hold a news conference at Owens’ residence in Moorestown, New Jersey.  Owens does sit-ups in his driveway then apologizes to the team and the fans.  After Owens reads his statement, Rosenhaus infuriates reporters by answering the majority of their questions with a “next question.”

September 27, 2006:  Media outlets in Dallas report Owens tries to kill himself by intentionally ingesting an overdose of hydrocodone, a pain medication.  Owens leaves the hospital later that day and at a press conference denies having made a suicide attempt and that doctors had pumped his stomach, stating that he expects to join the team for practice the next morning.  Owens’ publicist, Kim Etheridge, first says Owens was “depressed” then later refutes the report, saying Owens had suffered allergic reaction to the medication combined with a dietary supplement. Read More

Quarterback Brett Favre will apparently not be making a return to the NFL after all.  According to The Star Tribune, Favre informed Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress that he is going to pass up a chance to be the team’s signal caller and will instead remain retired.  With training camp set to open Wednesday, the Vikings are now left with an unenviable decision: Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels as their 2009 starter.

“I just think it was a rare opportunity to explore a Hall of Fame quarterback who had background in the NFC and in this division,” Childress said.  “He knows our system inside out … This doesn’t change anything about how I feel about our football team.”

Childress then picked up a shotgun, pressed it against his head, and pulled the trigger.

Super Bowl winning quarterback “Big” Ben Roethlisberger said Thursday that the allegations made by a Lake Tahoe casino hostess are “reckless and false.”

The 31-year-old Nevada woman filed a civil lawsuit alleging the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback raped her in a hotel penthouse last year.  Roethlisberger called the allegations totally “outrageous.”

“It wasn’t a penthouse,” Roethlisberger said.  “It was a suite.”

7:04 AM: Hmm, which side of the bed should I get up from? Getting up from the left side has always brought me good luck but the right side is a lot closer.

8:05 AM: Made it out of bed! Yee-haw! Jumped out. Straight in the air. Didn’t think of that. Hmm, should I brush my teeth or floss first?

9:36 AM: Went with the floss. Had some corn stuck in my teeth from the seventeen and a quarter cobs I ate at the barbecue pig roast last night which I stopped at on my way to my sister’s birthday party before stopping off to get some frozen yogurt - went with the vanilla and chocolate. Delicious! Well, at least I thought it was at the time. Now, I’m not so sure. Hmm, gotta go to the bathroom. Both number one and two. Son ‘bitch. Should I hike it out the back or throw the hail mary? Read More

So, I was at the LA Dodgers game the other night and they were giving out Lance Armstrong LiveStrong bracelets.  Why at a baseball game are they giving out bracelets?  I have know idea.  But, here’s the thing.  I’m not a bracelet guy.  I don’t plan on becoming a bracelet guy.  I don’t know it just seems a little gay to me but if you wear one that’s cool.  And yeah, I know the LiveStrong bracelet is for a good cause and it’s to support cancer research and yada, yada, yada.  But, I’m just not going to wear it.  However, instead of tossing it into the nearest dumpster while making a tasteless one testicle joke I’ve decided to use the power of the splog (hahaha to myself) to give it away to the highest bidder.  Or just anyone who wants a bracelet. Read More

On the heels of Tom Watson’s remarkable runner-up finish at the British Open this past weekend at the ripe old age of 59, “Pistol” Pete Maravich has decided to come out of retirement to try and rejoin an NBA team.

Maravich, the LSU legend and all-time leading NCAA Division I scorer, will turn 63 next January.   If successful, he would become the oldest player ever to play in the NBA by nearly 20 years.

During his previous playing days, Maravich was named to the All-NBA First Team twice and led the league in scoring during the 1976-77 season.  He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1987 and is often credited with making it cool to be white again.  A leg injury during the 1977-78 season started his downward spiral into alcoholism and ultimately signaled the end of his playing career.  That is, until now.

There’s no word yet on whether any NBA teams will be interested in Maravich’s services this fall.   But, he continues to train for the historical opportunity nevertheless.

Oh, what?  Wait a second.  Pete Maravich is dead?  Oops…