Exclusive video showing the reaction of CBS and ESPN executives upon finding out that Tiger Woods will return at the Masters.

The New York Yankees win their 27th World Championship. The Bronx is back and bombing, baby!

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Captain Yankee Hater America, also known as ESPN’s Skip Bayless, had some nerve polluting the show First and Ten with ridiculous comments completely undermining last night’s New York Yankee ALCS game four victory.

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You can almost feel it. We’re about to make that stunning leap across the calendar to September, when the most wonderful time of the year will begin. Football season. Fans are trying to decide if they need a new game-day jersey (time to toss the 4, Jets fans), beer companies are dreaming about all the money they’re going to make, and everyone and their mother has a prediction.

When you’ve been in a desert, any amount of water is precious. So while ringing out leaves for droplets of news about how good practice was today (cue AI), a brutal discovery was made: Rankings of Every Player in the NFL! Shockingly, this egomaniacally definitive list was found on the pages of ESPN.com, compiled by the good people at Scouts Inc.

According to these Experts, who allegedly made careers at one point in speculation (although they’re not doing that anymore, now are they?), DeMarcus Ware is the best player in the NFL. They cite his speed, pass-rushing moves, and increased productivity in coverage as good reasons for it. However, they have an award to determine the best player in the league. It’s called the MVP. They even have one specifically for defensive players, tastefully named the Defensive Player of the Year award. Ware won neither of these, and his team didn’t make the playoffs.

Five spots behind Ware is James Harrison, a guy who did win the Defensive Player of the Year Award and whose team did win the Super Bowl. This would presumably give credit to the list if it wasn’t by the Scouts. ESPN lacquers credibility onto these authors by claiming they used to be professional scouts, the same profession that didn’t draft Harrison in 2002. To make matters worse, Harrison was cut by two of the best scouting teams in the league (Pittsburgh and Baltimore) and did a stint with the Rhein Fire! Does that sound like anyone should listen to these people? Read More

Word travels fast. It travels even faster when it involves an NFL quarterback during these final few weeks before training camp. And it travels at light speed when it involves sexual assault. There are so many wonderful nuggets to analyze about this case, so let’s just pick the best ones:

1. The Civil Cart Before the Criminal Horse. This title is pleasing because of the idea of picturing a criminal horse. Does he have a bandana around his face? Is he driving a getaway car? Is he assaulting a Harrah’s employee? All are fun. Take notes, Pixar.

Steeler fans are instantly pointing to the lack of a criminal charge as evidence the whole thing is a joke. But there are a number of examples of the order being flipped from the usual. It also doesn’t mean the criminal complaint doesn’t exist; just that TMZ hasn’t reported on it. And not everything that’s news gets reported (see below).

2. Ben’s an Idiot. He’s the favorite son in Pittsburgh, a town that loves its athletes as much as any in the country. But he’s also incredibly stupid. Emerging from the wreckage that was his face to claim he would continue to not wear a helmet, having a puss on his face after playing horribly in the Super Bowl (despite winning), and, of course, Drink Like A Champion Today are all examples of his proclivites. Throw a little Kobe-style ape-ray and you’ve got a great face of the franchise.

3. Without Roethlisberger, the Steelers are F*cked. The Steelers are known for their defense, but they should be known for their quarterback running around and escaping pressure. That’s how they score their points. You can only call it luck for so long; that’s just what he does. If for some reason Roethlisberger was to miss time due to incarceration, the Steeler O would be in dire straits.

4. If Guilty, Rooney’s Reputation is Forever Tarnished. The Steelers have an unfounded reputation of being a classy franchise. It’s primarily based on the fact that Dan Rooney is a staggeringly classy guy. His teams in the 70s were fueled by early steroid use (that’s pretty much been agreed upon by contemporaries and all the dead linemen). His reputation of dealing with problem children is largely unfounded as a number of Steelers have been arrested in the past for punching women. Roethlisberger punched this one with his unit, and unless Rooney chooses to discipline him (as any classy owner would), he’s clearly all talk. The best is obviously saved for last.

5. ESPN’s Refusal to Report the Case Highlights the ‘E’. The network most often calling the Steelers classy is the same one refusing to report this story. ESPN is an Entertainment company, not a news company, and all those fans who have never been to Pittsburgh but picked them as their team because they were good in the 70s mean an awfully huge chunk of eyeballs on TVs and websites. It certainly doesn’t help that Roethlisberger is slated to be a part of sister company ABC’s Shaq reality show. The Worldwide Leader is about as unbiased as the state news service of Iran.

Stay tuned for more. I’m sure you won’t hear it on ESPN.

Thanks to swift action by our loveable Lampoon ninjas, we have obtained a photo from the controversial nude peephole video of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews! Many good ninjas died to get us this salacious photo, so the Splog has decided to get the photo out there on the internets to honor our fallen comrades. Since no one is reading the words now and just want to see the photo, take a gander eager beavers…

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It is not usually the position of a comedy blog to comment upon tragic events. The string of deaths in the last few weeks almost entirely avoided falling under that umbrella because of the sideshows that swirled around them. Before Michael Jackson’s body was even remotely cold, the office was buzzing with an official list of Too Soon jokes. The same was true of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays.

So when Steve McNair was found dead in a Nashville apartment on the fourth of July, the natural instinct is to find something to write about. It look a good twenty four hours to figure out exactly what that was going to be. As information trickled out from behind the yellow tape, it became abundantly clear what the commentary needed to be.

I don’t need every Why.

Steve McNair was a rare kind of superstar; a league MVP who was never considered a Hall of Fame quarterback. An incredible athlete in college who paved the way for small school starters like Tony Romo, Joe Flacco, and Daunte Culpepper to get a good look in the pros. A guy who was so legendarily tough that he played as long as his body would allow him to literally stand. Our fantasy football-mad journalists and HOF voters could never bring themselves to talk about him as one of the best quarterbacks in the league because his talent didn’t result in big numbers. Sure, now the ESPN buzzards are asking if he’s a HOF candidate, and the intelligent members of the press have to softly say no. Read More

Stuart Scott: Welcome back to Sportscenter. We’ve got some breaking news for you now. We’ve just been informed that The IOC, that’s the International Olympic Committee, has just recognized “Sport-F*cking” or “Spucking” as an official Olympic sport and will be holding the first ever “Spucking” event in the 2012 Summer games. Booyah!

Linda Cohn: That’s fantastic Stuart. I’ve been spucking since the 8th grade and you know what? It’s about spucking time. I mean really, so many sports never get their due, but spucking? It’s got the test of strength… of endurance, and it’s absolutely fascinating to watch.

Stuart: You bet it is, Linda. And I bet you were a fantastic spucker, even back then. (beat) And now, let’s go live to Pedro Gomez, who’s in Kingston, Jamaica, where hundreds are gathered, spuck training for 2012. -Pedro?

Cut To Video Footage: Pedro is in a packed night club, patrons all over the place, violently humping each other. Read More

Brett Favre is in the process of pulling one of the biggest practical jokes on the sporting media. For the past few months, Favre–with the help of Vikings head coach Brad Childress–has been leading the media to believe that he will come back one more time and play for the Minnesota Vikings. Now, all of this could be true, but I like to imagine that they are just jerking the media around to get a few laughs.

Now, I have no proof of this, but I think Favre is just getting revenge on ESPN for making his un-retirement last year into a CNN-like media circus. They built expectations way beyond reality and so when Favre fell a bit short of the playoffs with the Jets, everyone felt a gypped. Now it’s a new year, and a new un-retirement rumor for Favre and he’s looking for some payback.

Let’s break down his diabolical plan:

Step One
Place a few phone calls as an “unidentified source” to ESPN and various Minnesota newspapers. Say how you’re practicing with some high school kids and looking hungry for some competition.

Step Beta
Call Brad Childress–who happens to also hate the sports media–and get him in on the action. Tell Brad to call your agent, expressing interest in some Favre action with the Vikings. With blood in the water, the media starts freaking out. Make sure to let Brad know that any comment he makes to the press should be cryptic and vague.

Step Kilgore
Schedule tendon surgery that would alleviate that nagging pain in your arm, but have your physician make it out to mean that the surgery is only done when a quarterback wants to get back to throwing ASAP. Follow this up by appearing incognito in various Minneapolis locales. Was it a ghost, or was it Favre?

Step 666
Call ESPN again as an “unidentified source” and say how Brad gave you a deadline to commit to playing with the Vikings. On the following day, have Brad call a local radio station and have him deny the whole thing… and have him blame it on your wife. Deanna’s been getting on your back for a week about that damn gazebo she wants built.

Step Infinity
Continue the charade until a day before preseason starts and then hold a press conference saying that you “might still be interested, but nothing is for certain” and watch the press freak out some more. Rinse and repeat for the next five years.

If all goes to plan, ESPN’s news operation will have a massive heart attack and implode. Once it’s bloated corpse is buried, we can get back to enjoying the obscure sports that they used to play in lieu of endless talking heads. God bless you, Brett Favre!

Tony Kornheiser (whose last name is purportedly not a joke) is giving up commentating on next season’s Monday Night Football (MNF) broadcasts. According to a report filed on ESPN.com , Kornheiser is terrified of flying, and he felt that the upcoming MNF schedule had too many games beyond the luxuries of bus travel. Jon Gruden–former coach of the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers–will replace Kornheiser in the broadcast booth. Will Chucky fill the acerbic, witty void left by Kornheiser? Will Mike Greenberg stop weeping in his pillow over not getting his dream gig again? Does anyone really care? Read More