Shaquille O’Neal’s new motto now that he’s joined the Cleveland Cavaliers:  “Win a ring for the king.”

“Forget Lebron!” Shaq said.  “It’s free whoppers for life, yo!”

Remember, like a month ago when Lebron “No, I Ain’t Shaking Your Damn Hand” James carried a team of misfits on his back all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals?  Well, the load to carry just got a little heavier.  Make that 400 pounds heavier (ahem, when he’s dieting).

Welcome: Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Is it the Big Aristotle or the old, should have retired four years ago Aristotle?  One can never be sure.

Yes, Cleveland may not be getting the player he once was, but let’s not forget Shaq is still… Read More

After losing to the Magic on Saturday night, LeBron James left Orlando with his tail between his legs.

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Some things are black and white. You can’t be slightly pregnant, a little bit arrested, or mostly dead (unless diagnosed by Miracle Max). The problem with leaving no room for grey area means there is only winning and losing. And the NBA lost.

No sport on Earth has hitched their wagon more to the individual star-power of the players. The NFL is all about the coaches and GMs, baseball about tradition, soccer about riot police. The NBA is built on their names. Think about how the game has been marketed in the last 30 years. You had Bird vs Magic, Shaq vs Kobe, Jordan vs Everyone, Ron Artest vs the entire city of Detroit. And this season was the Year of Kobe vs LeBron.

And they missed. Read More

With the Orlando Magic on the verge of the NBA Finals and the Denver Nuggets shooting for a 3-2 series against the Los Angeles Lakers tonight, NBA Commissioner David Stern is already making contigency plans to cancel this year’s NBA Finals.

“It’s not that Dwight Howard and Carmelo Anthony aren’t great players,” Stern said.  “It’s just nobody wants to watch them.”

When asked if NBA referees were favoring their calls towards Lebron and Kobe, Stern simply replied, “We had a Nike puppet campaign and everything.”

But, cancel the NBA Finals?  Isn’t that a little irrational?

“Well, I don’t what else to do?”  Stern said.  “We had puppet campaign!  A puppet campaign, I tell you!”

Prior to each game, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar Lebron (King) James tosses talcum powder - which most people use to relieve itching, rather than inspire midwesterners - into the air at the scorers’ table, as if to say, “It’s now on, bitches!” But what if there was no talcum powder? What alternatives could be used? I give you…

TOP TEN THINGS KING JAMES COULD HOIST IN THE AIR INSTEAD OF CHALK
10. Nacho Cheese Sauce (for when he plays the San Antonio Spurs)

9. Soy Sauce (for when he plays the Rockets)

8. Fire ants (for when he plays the Knicks)

7. Vicks Vapor Rub (this is the stuff that you rub on yourself when watching illegal dog fighting, right?)

6. Nickelodeon Gack (it just sounds cool)

5. Fun Size Snickers Bars (for the kids)

4. Fun Size Moist Towelettes (for the dirrrrty kids)

3. Killer Bumble Bees (for when he plays the Knicks)

2. KY Jelly (for those on the floor loose ball tustles)

1. Condoms (because being a twelfth baby’s daddy just isn’t as accepted as it used to be in the NBA)