For the first time, the NFL’s Semi-Pro Bowl occupied the Sunday before Superbowl. The game featured NFL players that won’t be in the Superbowl playing touch football.

No Hawaii Vacation This Year!

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My New York Yankees don’t win a Championship and lay on the couch all hungover after. No, they go out there and make moves.

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Celebrate Good Championships All Off-season! Do-do-do-do do do do do!

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I support paying Eli Manning like he’s some soccer star because hey, he won THE Superbowl Championship of all Superbowl Championships. Do you remember how undefeated those Patriots were?

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Cornerback Antonio Cromartie of the San Diego Chargers was fined $2,500 eariler this week after sending out a message on Twitter criticizing the food served at the Chargers’ training camp.  The tweet “heard ’round the league” implied that if the Chargers did not have to eat the same nasty food for four straight years, they might have made it to a Superbowl by now.

Many see this as a harmless joke, but Norv Turner does not want any team matters being discussed online.  Also, Turner is seeing if he can fine his players enough money to buy himself a boat.  The San Diego Chargers are now enforcing a zero tolerance policy on complaining during training camp.  Any player who is not overjoyed about their camp experience is liable to receive a fine.  This executive decision has already affected the wallets of many of the Chargers’ top contributors.

Quentin Jammer was fined $2,500 for saying his room was cramped.

Shaun Merriman was fined $2,500 for saying the bathroom smelled.

Philip Rivers was fined $2,000 for saying one of the practice balls was flat. Read More

In international hoops news, a brawl erupted on the court Canada’s men’s national team took on Italy in what was supposed to be a “friendly” exhibition match in preparation for the FIBA Americas Championship.

Americans are shocked and displeased by the incident, mostly because none of them have ever heard of the FIBA Americas Championship or basketball being played outside of the continental US.  However, one man is absolutely furious about it:  Ron Artest is steaming about the blatant amatuerism displayed during the fight. Here’s a statement given to the AP and a guy who sells Affliction shirts:

I am deeply saddened by the current state of in-game fighting within the basketball community.  A pattern has emerged where scrapping has greatly decreased and holding back fighters has greatly increased.  This so called “brawl” was very sparse as far as ass kicking goes. Read More

Ever since Tim Tebow took over the reins as starting quarterback for the Florida Gators, millions of people have clamored together trying to see who can sing his praises the loudest. He’s the greatest athlete to ever grace the gridiron. He’s the nicest person to interact with. He once ran inside a burning building to save an overweight family pet.

Well it turns out that there’s one man out there who doesn’t think that highly of Lord Tebow. The results of the vote for the preseason All-SEC first team came in and Tebow was not the unanimous choice for the position of quarterback. The sports media went on a witch hunt to find the SEC coach who had the nerve to call Tebow inferior. The inquisition was focused on three bastards: Auburn’s Gene Chizik, LSU’s Les Miles, and South Carolina’s Steve Spurrier. Then, Steve Spurrier stepped out of the shadows and revealed that he was the one who did it. Of course he claims it was an oversight, but he knows what he was doing.

When evaluating a player, Spurrier likes to look at the big picture. He doesn’t care about amazing stats in both rushing and passing. He doesn’t care about speed, arm strength, and a dominating physical presence. Spurrier likes to go against the grain.

I must admit, I was always little bit skeptical about Tim Tebow. Sure, he’s done a lot of charity work in the Philippines, but anyone who has been there knows that it’s a haven for deviant sex acts. You don’t want to know what five dollars can buy over there. Then Read More

It tastes just like a bacon-wrapped hotdog.

I am Kobe Bryant. I just won my fourth NBA championship this past Sunday on ABC. I’m sure you watched. As you know, I am great.

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A gentleman in his early 20s stands outside the Bank of America at the intersection of Vine Street and Sunset Boulevard at 8:45 PM. He is wearing a Post-That-Denver-Thing Kobe Bryant Jersey (#8 is the dynasty number, #24 is the ‘maybe if I change my number, people will forget that I went two-hole on a rocky mountain groupie), Kevin Smith-esque jorts, and is holding a Lakers banner that is less flag than it is Battle Standard. He’s screaming in celebration, waving the standard to and fro, having a Little Death each time a passing car honks his horn. Of course, the jubilation is the same if the honking is for the Lakers winning the NBA title or if the guy in front of him drives like Mr. Magoo if he was from New Jersey. This kid has a big smile on his face and is nothing if not passionate.

He’s also an idiot.

Let’s just start doing the math: it’s very unlikely he has to get up in the morning to go to work, unless he’s got the morning shift at Popeyes (sidenote: there is no place more depraved than the Popeyes at Hollywood and Cahuenga before ten AM. If you were awakened from a time capsule [a la Brendan Frasier in Blast from the Past] you would be certain that the Soviets had won the Cold War). It’s equally unlikely that he has a girlfriend, because instead of deciding to spend an hour and a half celebrating the Lakers win by Kobe-ing her (the safe word is ‘Shaq’s-A-Bitch’), he’s waving a flag next to a couple ATMs and a dirt-encrusted bum who’s repeatedly screaming, “My popsicles are the best popsicles!” at the billboard with Johnny Depp on it. It’s 9:31PM. He’s still out there.

So this begs the question: what is he getting out of this? Read More