As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a failure

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams Read More

What, do you think your life is like an episode of “Guiding Light?”  You think we have nothing better to do with our time than monitor your current level of interest in playing in the NFL like it’s a goddamn terrorist alert meter?  Come back, don’t come back.  You go back and forth more often than Ron Jeremy.

And I’m not even from Green Bay, or Wisconsin, or even the “heartland.”  I’m not a cheese head, a provolone enthusiast, a muenster fanatic, or even a cheese dog eater (hot dogs, you sick f*cks).  Hell, I don’t even like cheese!  Just kidding.  Come on, who doesn’t like cheese?

I’m just sick of your sh*t, Brett Favre!  I’d rather watch 20 news reports on Michael Vick drowning his 10-month-old poodle than have to listen to another one of your press conferences about “Oh, I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring” or “Maybe I’m retiring” or “I’m not retiring but I feel like crying anyway.”

I’ve already blogged about your waffling ass eight times this summer and I thought I was f*cking done!  But, then you pull this:  “Um, yeah I don’t feel like playing this year so I, Brett Favre, am officially retiring.”  Only, to hear weeks later that this was a done deal all along and that you just didn’t want to go through the riggers of a full training camp.

Yeah, you seem like a nice enough guy but F*CK YOU AND THE WRANGLER JEANS YOU RODE IN ON!  I hope your 57-year-old arm breaks off when you try to throw a screen pass, you decrepit, old son of a b*tch!  I hope the next time you’re sacked all the brittle bones in your body turn to dust, you arrogant self-centered motherf*cker!  This blogger is done!  Done with Brett Favre!  And no, it’s not just because I was fired three hours ago.  Hoo-ray football!  Hoo-ray beer!

Of course, Brett Favre has signed a deal with the Minnesota Vikings as the local “Look at me, I can’t live without attention” guy.

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With the Brett Favre saga finally ending with his continued retirement, many are wondering what the Minnesota Vikings will do next. Will the Vikings start shopping for a new quarterback? Is the team able to play without even using a quarterback? What if the team just closes up shop and fades into the ether?

Many are unaware, however, that the Vikings already have four quarterbacks on the roster. Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris Jackson, John David Booty, and Sean Glennon are all viable options to step into the quarterback position… if they can be convinced that they exist and are actually a part of the team. These four quarterbacks have been ignored for so long that all of them are struggling to prove their existence, sometimes even to themselves.

Sage Rosenfels hasn’t been able to talk to Vikings head coach Brad Childress for eight months. “He [Childress] wouldn’t return any of my calls and looked right through me at training sessions,” Rosenfels told us during a phone interview on Tuesday. “I started questioning my own existence after a while. I tried to walk through the goal post once just to see if I could. It hurt a lot, but it proved to me that I am, in fact, real.”

Things were a bit different for Tarvaris Jackson. He didn’t even bother showing up to training because he thought he was no longer employed by the Vikings. “When the Vikings were courting Favre, my name was non-existence on any team media,” said a dejected Jackson. “I actually got a part-time job at local water park just to stay active. I started getting worried when no one coming up to the ride the “ThunderSwirl” even recognized me. It was quite humbling.”

John David Booty and Sean Glennon sympathize with Rosenfels struggles over existence, but were even harder hit by the Favre fever. “People thought we were just made up by Vikings PR to fill out the roster list!” Glennon angrily told us while he tossed a football back-and-forth with Booty. “Everyone thought my name was the Lucky Charm leprechaun’s real name! I keep on writing emails and trying to arrange press conferences to declare my existence, but everyone blows me off as some actor hired to keep the myth going!”

“Everyone thought I was some sort of pirate joke,” Booty added as he caught a tight spiral from Glennon. “The worst part, though, was that my parents started buying into the Favre hype and thought that they had just imagined me. My mom even had a restraining order put against me, and I had to hire an advocate to meet with her and compare her photo albums to mine. It was humiliating!”

With all of the hard feelings from the Vikings quarterback corps, the team might have a hard time gelling as a team. Only time will tell if…

What’s that? Favre is buying some Vikings apparel from a Mississippi Target store? Maybe his retirement isn’t over? Everyone hurry over to cover this event! Long live Favre!

Quarterback Brett Favre will apparently not be making a return to the NFL after all.  According to The Star Tribune, Favre informed Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress that he is going to pass up a chance to be the team’s signal caller and will instead remain retired.  With training camp set to open Wednesday, the Vikings are now left with an unenviable decision: Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels as their 2009 starter.

“I just think it was a rare opportunity to explore a Hall of Fame quarterback who had background in the NFC and in this division,” Childress said.  “He knows our system inside out … This doesn’t change anything about how I feel about our football team.”

Childress then picked up a shotgun, pressed it against his head, and pulled the trigger.

Minnesota Vikings - July 30 (rookies and veterans)

What They’re Saying: We’re the defending division champs, we have the best runningback in the game and a top flight defense, we’re going to be fine.

Wish They’d Say: Brett Favre. Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.Brett Favre.

The Coach: Brad Childress, who looks exactly like the Bookmaker from the Untouchables, is a bad coach. He’s managed to be unable to find ways to make the NFC his own despite having arguably the best defense and back in football. He may be able to keep his gig just because his players are so good.

Best Case Scenario: Brett Favre passes on returning, Sage Rosenfels doesn’t eff it up for the defense, and the Vikes get to the Super Bowl despite their coach and quarterback play.

Worst Case Scenario: Favre returns, throws forty interceptions, and has sex on a boat. With the corpse of Korey Stringer. No. It is not too soon.

Brett Favre is in the process of pulling one of the biggest practical jokes on the sporting media. For the past few months, Favre–with the help of Vikings head coach Brad Childress–has been leading the media to believe that he will come back one more time and play for the Minnesota Vikings. Now, all of this could be true, but I like to imagine that they are just jerking the media around to get a few laughs.

Now, I have no proof of this, but I think Favre is just getting revenge on ESPN for making his un-retirement last year into a CNN-like media circus. They built expectations way beyond reality and so when Favre fell a bit short of the playoffs with the Jets, everyone felt a gypped. Now it’s a new year, and a new un-retirement rumor for Favre and he’s looking for some payback.

Let’s break down his diabolical plan:

Step One
Place a few phone calls as an “unidentified source” to ESPN and various Minnesota newspapers. Say how you’re practicing with some high school kids and looking hungry for some competition.

Step Beta
Call Brad Childress–who happens to also hate the sports media–and get him in on the action. Tell Brad to call your agent, expressing interest in some Favre action with the Vikings. With blood in the water, the media starts freaking out. Make sure to let Brad know that any comment he makes to the press should be cryptic and vague.

Step Kilgore
Schedule tendon surgery that would alleviate that nagging pain in your arm, but have your physician make it out to mean that the surgery is only done when a quarterback wants to get back to throwing ASAP. Follow this up by appearing incognito in various Minneapolis locales. Was it a ghost, or was it Favre?

Step 666
Call ESPN again as an “unidentified source” and say how Brad gave you a deadline to commit to playing with the Vikings. On the following day, have Brad call a local radio station and have him deny the whole thing… and have him blame it on your wife. Deanna’s been getting on your back for a week about that damn gazebo she wants built.

Step Infinity
Continue the charade until a day before preseason starts and then hold a press conference saying that you “might still be interested, but nothing is for certain” and watch the press freak out some more. Rinse and repeat for the next five years.

If all goes to plan, ESPN’s news operation will have a massive heart attack and implode. Once it’s bloated corpse is buried, we can get back to enjoying the obscure sports that they used to play in lieu of endless talking heads. God bless you, Brett Favre!

Is Brett Favre coming back to the NFL in a Minnesota Vikings uniform?

Apparently, his family and friends are convinced.  They’ve booked hotels in Green Bay for November 1st, which is when the Vikings are scheduled to play the Packers at Lambeau Field.  According to the Green Bay Press-Gazette, a person described as “a member of Favre’s inner circle” blocked off between 25 and 30 rooms at the Midway Motor Lodge.  This same person then turned around and canceled those reservations only to re-book at the Green Bay Days Inn.  He then canceled the Days Inn reservations only to ask the Green Bay Wildlife Motel to hold reservations for him pending upcoming surgery related to a torn biceps tendon on his “drinking hand.”

Brett Farve is herpes, and the beginning of the off-season is the only time of year we get a quick dose of Valtrex. Read More

On March 5^th, thirty-five year old Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. This could have lead to the following advertisement:

Flamboyant, past-his-prime Wide Receiver seeks fourth NFL team to excite and disrupt. Work Experience: Caught passes from homosexual in San Francisco, lost Superbowl due to tired quarterback vomiting under pressure in Philadelphia and after learning nothing from Bill Parcells, cried for his team leader Romo when times got tough in Dallas.

In-game hobbies include: light cheerleading, sharpie calligraphy, “bird” dancing, mimicking the “bird” dance, mock waiting tables, napping and other talented improvisational acts. Requires a quarterback who will throw to him on almost every passing play, while forgiving dropped passes and excessive celebration penalties after touchdowns. With questionable overdoses in the past, Terrell Owens is ready for the next team the way his agent is always ready for the next question.

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