BRISTOL (AP) - Little Trey Huguley is an average guy.  He has an average job.  And like most average guys, he likes coming home after a long day of work on Monday to Monday Night Football.  This Monday was no different.  Trey settled into his La-Z-Boy recliner, popped open a beer and turned on the TV.

“What the @$#% is this?” Trey exclaimed when he saw what was on TV.  He checked his watch and his program guide.  It was the time and channel for Monday Night Football, but sadly there was no football on.

Only the Ravens vs. the Browns.

Trey proceeded to call up his local cable company.  After a long hold, Trey began to get antsy as it was coming up on time for the end of the first quarter and the last thing he wanted to do was miss some real football.  When the cable company representative came on, they mentioned that they were flooded with calls about the situation and they were looking into it.  They assured Trey that they had checked their connections and this was the proper ESPN feed.  The problem had to be on the ESPN end of things.

Rather than spend an evening without football, Trey spent the next hour on hold.  Finally he got through.

“Hi.  My name is Trey and I’m calling to ask why there’s not football on.  Its supposed to be time for Monday Night Football but when I turn it to ESPN all I see is…” But Trey is cut off.  He goes pale white and his jaw drops at their response.

“Sir… this IS Monday Night Football.” The representative informs Trey.  Trey turns to the TV.  It shows The Cleveland Browns and Baltimore Ravens going in for half time with the score 0-0.  Trey begins to enter the seven stages of grief.  First denial.

“No.  No it isn’t.  You’re lying.  Switch it over to the real game!” Then the Pain and guilt.  Trey begins to shake.  Then comes the bargaining.

“Well… could you just replay the Pats-Colts game?  No?  Please?”  Trey hangs up the phone.  Then comes stage 4.  Loneliness.  Trey stares at the on screen program guide that reads Monday Night Football.  Trey clutches a pillow and tries to hold back the tears.

Now should come the upward turn.  Trey turns back on the TV.  On screen Cleveland blocks a Baltimore extra point.  Trey sobs and turns off the TV.  There will be no recovery tonight.  Trey is one of millions of fans who voiced their hurt and betrayal at ESPN for playing Baltimore vs. Cleveland in lieu of Monday Night Football.  One ESPN email server shut down after the wave of complaint emails hit.

ESPN Issued the Following Statement Tuesday Morning:

We here at ESPN constantly strive to bring you the highest level of sports entertainment.  The unfortunate events on Monday night that led to us broadcasting the Cleveland Browns versus Baltimore Ravens.  We are looking deep into our broadcast practices and standards to ensure that this never happens again.  Several things we are exploring:

• Contracting the Browns from the NFL
• Permanent ban of Brady Quin from television in general
• An Emergency override system that, at the push of a button, will switch the ESPN broadcast to something better than Browns-Ravens like Michael Jordan highlights, classic Super Bowl moments or even paint drying.
• Using Common Sense when Picking games for a National Broadcast

We offer our sincerest apologies and hope that you will continue to look to ESPN for your sports news and actions.

But that still doesn’t give Trey or the millions of other Americans their Monday night back.

Baltimore Ravens – July 27 (rookies) July 31 (veterans)

What They’re Saying: We’re still a young football team. There are a lot of good football teams out there, and we hope we can one day be one of those good football teams.

Wish They Said: The coach is only paid by the number of times he uses the term ‘football team.’ And we’re terrified about Derrick Mason actually retiring.

The Coach: John Harbaugh established himself as the anti-Brian Billick by making players practice and not really talking all that good. He’s locked himself in by cutting bad apples and putting even the most boisterous vets in place. That’s how he runs his football team.

Best Case Scenario: Joe Flacco makes huge strides and adds a potent offense to a defense that doesn’t lose a step under new DC Greg Mattison. The division is snatched from Pittsburgh and Ray Lewis doesn’t do the dance anymore.

Worst Case Scenario: The loss of Derrick Mason means a lot of Flacco passes are bouncing off facemasks, Greg Mattison doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, and Willis McGahee starts playing by the rules of TV tag, falling down in the backfield whilst screaming, “Golden Girls!”

Super Bowl winning quarterback “Big” Ben Roethlisberger said Thursday that the allegations made by a Lake Tahoe casino hostess are “reckless and false.”

The 31-year-old Nevada woman filed a civil lawsuit alleging the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback raped her in a hotel penthouse last year.  Roethlisberger called the allegations totally “outrageous.”

“It wasn’t a penthouse,” Roethlisberger said.  “It was a suite.”

It is not usually the position of a comedy blog to comment upon tragic events. The string of deaths in the last few weeks almost entirely avoided falling under that umbrella because of the sideshows that swirled around them. Before Michael Jackson’s body was even remotely cold, the office was buzzing with an official list of Too Soon jokes. The same was true of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays.

So when Steve McNair was found dead in a Nashville apartment on the fourth of July, the natural instinct is to find something to write about. It look a good twenty four hours to figure out exactly what that was going to be. As information trickled out from behind the yellow tape, it became abundantly clear what the commentary needed to be.

I don’t need every Why.

Steve McNair was a rare kind of superstar; a league MVP who was never considered a Hall of Fame quarterback. An incredible athlete in college who paved the way for small school starters like Tony Romo, Joe Flacco, and Daunte Culpepper to get a good look in the pros. A guy who was so legendarily tough that he played as long as his body would allow him to literally stand. Our fantasy football-mad journalists and HOF voters could never bring themselves to talk about him as one of the best quarterbacks in the league because his talent didn’t result in big numbers. Sure, now the ESPN buzzards are asking if he’s a HOF candidate, and the intelligent members of the press have to softly say no. Read More