Celebrate Good Championships All Off-season! Do-do-do-do do do do do!

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SAN FRANCISCO –3 over Chicago

Kindly tell me what the Bears do well these days. Not at all once, please. Oh, yes, punch opposing players on the ground. How dumb do you have to be to hit a guy with your fist when they’re wearing a helmet? Boomer Sooner!

Atlanta –1.5 over CAROLINA

I can’t bring myself to take the Panthers, even though they are becoming the demons of the crazy cover. Plus, the Falcons are coming off their bye. Wait, they played Washington last week? That should count as two byes: it’s rest plus a confidence surge.

New Orleans –13.5 over ST LOUIS

No way. Although I feel like NO intentionally dogs the beginning of games and doesn’t cover just to make everyone think they’re vulnerable. The opposite of the Belichick F-U game. It’s the F-Us game.

Denver –3.5 over WASHINGTON

Wow. How much has Vegas lost confidence in the Broncos that they’re only a field goal and change favored over the Redskins? And how small do your cajones have to be (DeAngelo Hall) to demand the league fine a coach who cursed at you on the sideline? We call that an Elvis Grbac.

TENNESSEE –6.5 over Buffalo

What if the Titans won out and made the playoffs? Guess what isn’t impossible?

Cincinnati +7 over PITTSBURGH

No one can believe the Bengals are any good. They’ve beaten Pittsburgh already and won their last two games by a combined score of 52-17 and had a bye in between. Right now, the Bengals are the second best team in the AFC and could probably take the Colts. And they’re getting a touchdown. This seems ludicrous.

Tampa Bay +10 over MIAMI

No, this isn’t a vote of confidence for the Bucs. It’s just that the Dolphins won’t get up for this game. They’re not a Kill The Enemy team. Wait, what am I doing?

MIAMI –10 over Tampa Bay

There.

NY JETS –7 over Jacksonville

The Jets are coming off a bye. And according to the ten day forecast, it’s going to be 63 degrees in East Rutherford. Someone just dodged a Cold Sanchez bullet.

MINNESOTA –16.5 over Detroit

I’d really rather not do this. But it’s the Vikings after a bye against a Detroit team that got outscored 32-3 after the first quarter against Seattle. Over/Under on number of times the announcers say, “Brett Favre is having fun.” I’m going to say it’s higher than this line. And take the over.

Kansas City +2 over OAKLAND

When in doubt, take the points and the quarterback that could hit the Caribbean on the shores of St. Kitts and Nevis.

ARIZONA –8.5 over Seattle

Two schizophrenic teams. I just think Arizona is more adjusted. And don’t think Seattle can win on the road ever.

Philadelphia +2 over SAN DIEGO

I’m taking the points because these teams are almost identical. Neither is really any good, neither has a professional coach, but both could be in the playoffs. That’s how jacked 2009 has been. In other news, I think Andy Reid’s only shot of getting fired is if he runs over Jimmy Rollins with a tractor full of meth.

Dallas –3 over GREEN BAY

The Packers just gave a team their first win of the year. That takes a few weeks to get over. Just ask the Redskins. DeMarcus Ware may match last season’s sack total in this game alone.

New England +3 over INDIANAPOLIS

It’s points. This is one of the few games where the Colts losing their entire secondary to injury will actually be a problem.

Baltimore –10.5 over CLEVELAND

Rob may take the Browns because of the bye week. But in-game fan protests should counter that pretty evenly.

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Via Good For The Jews, GQ & No Mas)

In 1970, real baseball players didn’t use steroids or perfomance enhancing drugs like HGH — they popped Greenies and LSD to throw your average, run of the mill, no hitter.

***

Follow me on Twitter.

Everyone loves deleted scenes. Especially when they involve one of sports’ most notorious scumbags.

The final table of the World Series of Poker wraps tonight. What’s staggering is that ESPN tries to play up a different ‘Cinderella Story’ every year. If Chaminade could catch a clutch three randomly on the river, it would happen more in actual sports.

The New York football Giants continued their shameless self-destruction in dramatic fashion by giving their Week 9 game to the San Diego Chargers. It’s not that the Giants don’t know how to win anymore, it’s that losing is just so much easier.

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I’m in a worse free fall right now than Rob’s blood sugar pre-TheraFlu. By the way, Rob: the way you felt during your flu? That’s how it feels to watch Hines Ward win a Super Bowl. I hope you’ve seen the light.

So I kinda almost want to amend the Club rules. Like… no one in their right mind should have given 17 points in an NFL game. That was just nuts. But I’ve reevaluated the tiers in the league and think my newfound clarity will get me back on track. Or it could be that good teams are playing other good teams now. Or that there are almost no good teams in the league. By my last count, there are only eight. Awesome.

ATLANTA -10 over Washington

Atlanta desperately needs to bounce back from the near-win in New Orleans to stay in the NFC playoff picture. Usually bye weeks help a team. The latest out of DC is that the owner has banned signs, further alienating a fanbase that is deep, but often distracted. The Redskins have treated their fans so badly that DC is a hockey town now. Here’s a great article about the disarray in DC. My favorite part is when the scout describes Fred Davis as “too dumb for the NFL” and Jason Campbell as “dumber than Fred Davis.” Samsonite!

Green Bay -10 over TAMPA BAY

Here’s how bad the Bucs are. I don’t think Green Bay is any good. In fact, I think Aaron Rodgers may be a middle-of-the-pack at best quarterback. He holds on to the ball way too long. That being said, the Buccaneers are the only winless team remaining and are throwing their rookie quarterback to the wolves. The Packer defense should cover this themselves.

Baltimore -3 over CINCINNATI

I don’t want to talk about it.

Houston +9 over INDIANAPOLIS

It’s picks like this that have demolished my big lead. But this is Houston’s Super Bowl. And the Colts have the Pats after their bye. Why shouldn’t they overlook this one? And did anyone notice that Indy can’t run the ball? They won’t need to against most teams, but… rationalizing, rationalizing, rationalizing, vomit.

Miami +10.5 over NEW ENGLAND

Awesome, let’s do this twice. The Patriots blew out two terrible teams. The rest of their games were all competitive. And the Dolphins are masters at keeping any game close. I also love the idea of the Dolphins winning every division game and losing the rest. By the way, how crappy is this division all of a sudden? Read the rest of this entry »

The 2009 New York Yankees are World Champions!  Alex Rodriguez (seen above making out with himself) wins his first Championship Ring despite being an admitted steroid user.  Much like any big, evil corporation in so many movies, the Yankees use the greenback to get to the top.  The Phillies were a noble, scrappy underdog filled with likable guys like Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Jimmy Rollins and Raul Ibanez.  The heart and face of the Yankees* dated Madonna and is a cheater.  Most of the time, the good guys triumph (2003 Marlins over Yankees, 2001 Diamondbacks over Yankees, 81 Dodges over Yankees).  But this is one of those rare times when history or pop culture allows the bad guy come out on top, but here are some of the greatest examples:

10. The Guys Who Brought You Scary Movie, Date Movie and Disaster Movie over Good Enertainment

Spy Hard. Date Movie.  Epic Movie. Disaster Movie.  Meet the Spartans.

Avarage imdb.com rating of those films: 2.7

From imdb: They’ve also written and sold several other spoof comedy scripts, such as; “Raunchy Movie” and “Remembering the Titans On Any Given Sunday Gives Me The Varsity Blues”.

Those guys are millionaires and “Firefly” only got 1 season.  There is no God.

9. The Little League Yankees over the Bad News Bears

They were the ultimate underdogs.  A team made up of kids who weren’t good enough to make other rosters.  They were coached by a drunk, ex-major league pitcher.  They had no talent and were poorly coached.  After several embarrassing losses and adding a few ringers, they climbed out of the gutter and up to the championship against the Evil, Evil, Evil Yankees.

In the championship game, the Yankees tried to bean the Bears, they get in fights and generally play dirty.  The evil porn ’stache sportin’ manager of the Yankees even goes as far as smacking the shit out of his kid on the pitching mound in the middle of the game.  Meanwhile, Walter Matthau learns the true spirit of Christmasbaseball and puts in his scrubs so they have a chance to play because its not about winning.

They keep it close.  Kelly leak then hits a deep shot to right field.  the bases clear.  Kelly Leak slides in to home to tie the game at 7.

But he’s out.

The child abuser and evil Yankees take the big trophy.  They’re still dickwads, though.

(Rest after the break)…

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The New York Yankees win their 27th World Championship. The Bronx is back and bombing, baby!

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