Blog Roll

Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard fold up like rusty old lawn chairs whenever they need to make a clutch free throw, Mike Vick pops a boner whenever he hears the words dog fight and Yao Ming is injured again.  So, what else is new?

The Houston Rockets already acknowledged Yao’s recovery from a broken foot was behind schedule, but now it turns out that setback might cost him even more time than was first expected.

“At this point, the injury has the potential for him to miss this next season and could be career threatening,” team physician Tom Clanton said, according to the Houston Chronicle.

Clanton then vehemently denied the accusation that Yao’s bones were more susceptible to injury due to a rare condition often referred to as being really f*cking tall.

“There is no proof this has anything to due with tallness.” Clanton said.  “Tallness is not even a real disease!”

Hmm… perhaps, just accepting the problem is the first step to recovery because suddenly, Greg Oden looks durable in comparison.

Meanwhile, the Rockets without Yao are how you say f*cked in Chinese?

“Get our coach on the phone!”  Rockets general manager Daryl Morey screamed.  “Who’s our coach?  Ron Jeremy’s brother?  Oh, we fired him last year?  Well, get whoever it is on the phone!!!”

Yao, who last season averaged 19.7 points and 9.9 rebounds per game, is due to make over $16 million next season with a player option for 2010-11 that would pay him over $17 million.  Yao played in 77 games during the 2008-09 campaign before injuring the same troublesome foot in Game 3 of their playoff series against the Lakers.

“There’s a billion people in that country,” Morey said.  “We get the one guy that has bones as brittle as Dick Clark!”

In stunning performance at Wimbledon on Monday, Venus (center) crushed Ana Ivanovic in a brisk 30-minute match. Venus took the first set 6-1 and the second set was at 0-1 when Ivanovic retired due to the bafflement at losing to an armless, 2000-year-old statue. The marbled wonder will next face the headless, angelic Nike of Samothrace in the quarterfinals.

Roger Federer advanced with brute force today at Wimbledon as he used what looked to be a Russian T-90 tank (bottom center) to defeat opponent Philipp Kohlschreiber (top left, terrified). It appears that Federer found a loophole in the tennis tournament’s rules that don’t disallow certain post-Soviet tanks from being used to advance on the field of play. Officials are holding an emergency meeting at this time to discuss whether or not it is too late to amend the tank rules while the tournament is in play.

Sometimes things just write themselves for you. Take this news headline, for example:

India win toss and bat in first Windies ODI

Now that was all in English, and I am an English-speaker… but what? What does that even mean? Is it some sort of sexual euphemism? Does the mysterious AP stringer who wrote that headline even understand it?

If you think the confusion ends at the headline, think again…

India won the toss and elected to bat in the opening one-day international against the West Indies on Friday at Sabina Park.

I understood “Friday” and “Park”… and I have a pretty good idea of what an “international” is (a boring, boring movie starring Clive Owen).

It still sounds like some swingers party. The fact that the actual article about this toss and bat orgy is only two sentences long leads me to believe that no one understands whatever an ODI is. There is no actual sport mentioned in the article, just the players in this sick and twisted “event”.

I’m washing my hands of the whole thing and am going to watch some good, old-fashioned monkey races.

We are now in the Dead Zone. The U.S. Open has just concluded (Tiger did not win but Phil performed his folderama so at the least the Universe makes half-sense), the never-ending NBA and NHL playoffs have finally ended and the NCAA football and basketball championships are but a distant memory (who won?). Not even the NFL can fill in the Dead Zone in its quest of an all-year season although all are trying their best with the latest Brett Favre Watch and other drivel. Tennis has two meaningful matches a year and Federer wins. Soccer at its highest level is fun to watch for a few minutes but it is soccer. The WNBA is not an option.

Unless you live in one of four or five cities, baseball, the American past-time (and I emphasize “past”) is of little or no interest to most of us who do not have owners willing to spend $100 million plus to try to buy a championship. Even if you dare go to a game on a nice summer night, I defy anyone to actually watch an entire baseball game on television for nine innings without taking a nap (induced or otherwise) or surf the Net or feed the cat (repeatedly). It is almost impossible to watch grown men in uniforms just stare at one another for long periods of time between a few seconds of action and ED commercials.

Even the sportswriters feel the pain in the Dead Zone. Do we really care about the human interest story of the undrafted free agent rookie on the Ravens/Giants/Eagles (pick any team) who will get cut before the second exhibition game? I believe that the weekly leaks on the baseball steroids abusers are not coming from the Justice Department, but rather from some sports desk editor desperately trying to find something interesting to write about for his shrinking readership. Read the rest of this entry »

Remember, like a month ago when Lebron “No, I Ain’t Shaking Your Damn Hand” James carried a team of misfits on his back all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals?  Well, the load to carry just got a little heavier.  Make that 400 pounds heavier (ahem, when he’s dieting).

Welcome: Shaquille O’Neal to the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Is it the Big Aristotle or the old, should have retired four years ago Aristotle?  One can never be sure.

Yes, Cleveland may not be getting the player he once was, but let’s not forget Shaq is still… Read the rest of this entry »

Finally, a AAA stimulus packages that New Mexicans can appreciate: Manny Ramirez!

Read the rest of this entry »

In this photo snapped this morning by an avid John Smoltz fan, we can see the veteran pitcher (bottom center) warming up for his first start of the season with the Boston Red Sox. It is not known why Smoltz was facing second base, but it is speculated that he’s just trying to remember where his cat is.

The Miracle on Ice was one of the greatest moments in sports history, not to mention world history. The entire world, including reluctant citizens of the USSR, was standing and cheering when a rag-tag group of American college kids knocked off the best hockey team of all time. It gave people hope in a time when no one had any, when the Red Army was bowling over all opposition, when the “good guys” were still licking their wounds from the licking they took at the hands of the Viet Cong. Go to any country in the world in the early 80s and citizens will tell you they were watching with tears in their eyes.

This begs the question: what would be the worst moment in sports history? Read the rest of this entry »

Lakers assistant coach Kurt Rambis may take over the head coaching gig from Phil Jackson for some away games. Jackson has had some recent health issues that make it difficult for him to constantly be on the road, so it’s highly likely that Rambis would pick up some of that traveling slack… if he doesn’t get hired away by the Sacramento Kings.

What health issues does Phil have, exactly?
To put in Phil’s own words:

I can’t find my bong!
Did anyone see my bong?
I really can’t find my bong!
How did my bong get in my hand?
Bong it to hell! I dropped my bong! Bong!

With that problem solved, there is still something that greatly troubles me:
What happened to Kurt Rambis?

How does this bad-assed scrummer from my childhood memories…

Turn into that?

Not only did I think he was 60 years old at the time, I thought his glasses were glued to his head. I’m going to find a Tempur-Pedic pillow to quietly weep into now.