As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a failure

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams Read More

In international hoops news, a brawl erupted on the court Canada’s men’s national team took on Italy in what was supposed to be a “friendly” exhibition match in preparation for the FIBA Americas Championship.

Americans are shocked and displeased by the incident, mostly because none of them have ever heard of the FIBA Americas Championship or basketball being played outside of the continental US.  However, one man is absolutely furious about it:  Ron Artest is steaming about the blatant amatuerism displayed during the fight. Here’s a statement given to the AP and a guy who sells Affliction shirts:

I am deeply saddened by the current state of in-game fighting within the basketball community.  A pattern has emerged where scrapping has greatly decreased and holding back fighters has greatly increased.  This so called “brawl” was very sparse as far as ass kicking goes. Read More

Footage of Cleveland superstar LeBron James being dunked on by a college player from Xavier has just been leaked onto the internet.  This is the footage that you were never supposed to see.  Visuals too shocking for the public to handle.  A video so gruesome that the CIA tried to hide it in their secret warehouse.  Evidence in direct opposition to The King’s superiority over us all.

Well, not really.

The infamous play where LeBron gets dunked on is not that amazing.  There are two version of the video, one from tmz.com and one from ebaumnation.com.  The tmz.com version makes it look a little bit worse than the ebaumnation one, but neither are Earth shattering and here’s why:

1. LeBron is not one on one with Jordan Crawford.  If LeBron was on Crawford from the moment the ball was in his hands, then it would have been a more impressive drive to the hoop.

2. LeBron came entered the play late.  He may have been tired or just doing your typical “this is my camp, I’m just going to half ass it” thing, but was really just standing around on the block as the play began.  He didn’t have enough time to really contest Crawford as he came off of the pick.

3. LeBron is not head on with Jordan Crawford.  Crawford more or less dunks over the side of him.  It is far from an in your face, humiliation, complete ownage dunk.

If you don’t want to take my word for it, go ahead and look up the video for yourself.  If anything, you will get a little bit of that forbidden video satisfaction we all love (case in point, Erin Andrews).

The Los Angeles Lakers recently won the NBA Championship and were instantly proclaimed the World Champions. What? Excuse me? The NBA is made up of 29 American teams, and one Canadian team, the Toronto Raptors. And winning this apparently makes someone the champion of the entire world? You know, I once won a ping-pong tournament that had an Estonian kid in it. Does that make me the supreme table tennis victor of the whole universe?

This quandary does not only exist in the NBA. The MLB contains only one Canadian team, the Toronto Blue Jays, and yet their championship is the World Series. World? Really? Really? Considering that Japan has twice won the World Baseball Classic, and our some of our leagues best are Latin Americans, Philadelphia Phillies may not be the best in the entire world. They might not even be the best in Philadelphia.

And then there’s the NFL … well, okay this is legit. We here in America have the only real football teams – not including that “football” crap they play in the World Cup. However, back when there was an NFL Europa, I really would have wanted to see the New England Patriots compete against the Hamburg Sea Devils. But now that NFL Europa is finished, I guess I’m okay with calling the Superbowl winner the world champion.

But L.A. Lakers, you haven’t earned it yet. So congratulations on your national championship. I would even go as far as calling you Can-American Champions. But Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, please don’t be presumptuous and call yourselves the World Champions until you’ve played Dimitris Diamantidis and the Panathinaikos Basketball Club.

I am Kobe Bryant. I just won my fourth NBA championship this past Sunday on ABC. I’m sure you watched. As you know, I am great.

Read More

A gentleman in his early 20s stands outside the Bank of America at the intersection of Vine Street and Sunset Boulevard at 8:45 PM. He is wearing a Post-That-Denver-Thing Kobe Bryant Jersey (#8 is the dynasty number, #24 is the ‘maybe if I change my number, people will forget that I went two-hole on a rocky mountain groupie), Kevin Smith-esque jorts, and is holding a Lakers banner that is less flag than it is Battle Standard. He’s screaming in celebration, waving the standard to and fro, having a Little Death each time a passing car honks his horn. Of course, the jubilation is the same if the honking is for the Lakers winning the NBA title or if the guy in front of him drives like Mr. Magoo if he was from New Jersey. This kid has a big smile on his face and is nothing if not passionate.

He’s also an idiot.

Let’s just start doing the math: it’s very unlikely he has to get up in the morning to go to work, unless he’s got the morning shift at Popeyes (sidenote: there is no place more depraved than the Popeyes at Hollywood and Cahuenga before ten AM. If you were awakened from a time capsule [a la Brendan Frasier in Blast from the Past] you would be certain that the Soviets had won the Cold War). It’s equally unlikely that he has a girlfriend, because instead of deciding to spend an hour and a half celebrating the Lakers win by Kobe-ing her (the safe word is ‘Shaq’s-A-Bitch’), he’s waving a flag next to a couple ATMs and a dirt-encrusted bum who’s repeatedly screaming, “My popsicles are the best popsicles!” at the billboard with Johnny Depp on it. It’s 9:31PM. He’s still out there.

So this begs the question: what is he getting out of this? Read More

Reggie Miller was in Mexico last weekend where it is believed that someone dared him to let an M-80 go off atop of his stomach.

Many are saying the the 43 year-old former Indiana Pacer is too old to still be playing with fireworks.  Miller says he is very passionate about pyrotechnics an that he has been doing the belly button stunt for years.  “Yeah, it’s loud and sometimes gets a little messy, but its really not that scary.  It’s just exploding paper.”

Miller fears very few things since his days of playing the New York Knicks and being constantly pestered by Spike Lee.

The owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, Dan Gilbert, vows that the franchise will win an NBA title.  This reminds me of the time I went to the carnival and vowed that I would win the ring toss.  Good luck, Dan Gilbert: it’s going to take a lot of money and chances are it’s all rigged.

The sports media was so quick to criticize LeBron James for not giving them their Lakers vs. Cavaliers, Kobe vs. Lebron wet dream NBA Finals match up.  Oh, LeBron has no sportsmanship, he just walked off the court after losing to Orlando in game 6.  Oh, he’s such an assh*le because he didn’t do the post game interview.  Did it ever occur to you that maybe King James was dealing with some stuff of his own?  Did it ever once cross your mind that maybe the man’s health wasn’t in perfect condition?

Well it turns out, bastard sports journalists, that Lebron had been playing for several months with a growth inside his mouth.  On Tuesday, he underwent a five hour procedure on his parotid gland and he is now recovering.  I personally am not a doctor (yet), but if what I have read in medical journals is correct, the mouth is used quite frequently when answering questions at a post game interview. Read More