In stunning performance at Wimbledon on Monday, Venus (center) crushed Ana Ivanovic in a brisk 30-minute match. Venus took the first set 6-1 and the second set was at 0-1 when Ivanovic retired due to the bafflement at losing to an armless, 2000-year-old statue. The marbled wonder will next face the headless, angelic Nike of Samothrace in the quarterfinals.

Roger Federer advanced with brute force today at Wimbledon as he used what looked to be a Russian T-90 tank (bottom center) to defeat opponent Philipp Kohlschreiber (top left, terrified). It appears that Federer found a loophole in the tennis tournament’s rules that don’t disallow certain post-Soviet tanks from being used to advance on the field of play. Officials are holding an emergency meeting at this time to discuss whether or not it is too late to amend the tank rules while the tournament is in play.

The first US Open was played in 1881 in Newport, Rhode Island, and only featured men’s singles competition.

The oldest player to win the men’s singles title at the French Open is Andrés Gimeno who took the 1972 title at the ripe old age of 34 years and 10 months.

Russian tennis player Mikhail Youzhny was upset about hitting the ball into the net and losing the point after a long rally. So Youzhny "Youzhed-head" by slamming his racket against his skull, drawing blood and forcing the match to be put on hold while he got cleaned up.

Apparantly the tantrum worked. Youzhny edned up defeating Nicolas Almagro 7-6 (6-4) 3-6 7-6 (6-4). No report has been made about the racket’s well-being.

You’re telling me. Andy Roddick may have just had one of the best weeks in the history of mankind. He picked up a new BFF (you might have heard of him, Terrell Owens) and an engagement to Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Brooklyn Decker. Damn him. Oh yeah, he also beat Roger Federer (who HASN’T this year) for the first time in the past 11 tries. Yadda yadda yadda. That losing streak covers like 10 years.  Roddick has now officially completed everything on his Bucket List.  Anyways, here’s another picture for you to enjoy. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

In related news, Federer greatly regretting doing that Gillette Ad Campaign with buddy Tiger Woods. Many analysts have pointed to the gayness of these commercials having lead to his recent fall in the tennis rankings. He has yet to win a tournament this year.

There’s no real reason why this irks me so much, but Maria Sharapova did something odd to her hair. I was looking at this picture, and I couldn’t believe it was her.

I’m not sure if this is actually making me upset. I don’t know what to feel at this point. All I know is I haven’t been this disappointed in a hot celebrity since Katie Holmes decided to join the Church of Cruise and Travolta.

Over the weekend, tennis ace Serena Williams bested the field to win the Bangalore Open. Yes, that’s right, The Bangalore Open. You know, Bangalore… the tennis capital of the world. Well, perhaps of India. I digress. Serena was quoted after the match as saying, “It’s good to be a champ here, it always feels good to win." Yes, yes it does. It feels great to be a champion. In a third world country, on a continent of starving people, it feels great to be champ. I always knew that people in India were fans of tennis. That was probably what Gandhi stood for, what he put himself on the line to protect. The right of his people to know what coming back from match point feels like; the thrill of drilling an ace right down the line. Word. Its good to know that when I call customer support and they put me on hold, they aren’t just doing it out of spite. They are watching the match, the tennis match. Gotta love America… I mean India.

That is the question.  One Australian girl appears to have had this decision made for her.  The 9 yr old tennis player was recently banned for a month from playing at her local club due to the noise she makes during competition.  In other words, she grunts loud. 

This has to be the first case of grunting gone bad.  Although there is something about the word grunt in general that makes you not like it.  When is a grunt a good thing?  Even baby grunts are not cute.    

Grunting in tennis is just a glorified scream really.  Monica Seles has often been dubbed the Originator of the grunt.  She even leveraged her grunting into some lucrative marketing campaigns.  The most notable current tennis grunter is of course Maria Sharapova.  She just so happens to be this little girl’s favorite player.  Maybe the reason people don’t have a problem with Sharapova grunting is the fact that she looks a this.  Why do I feel like being bossed around after watching one of her matches?  In bed. 

But apparently grunting is a part of her game.  And the question has to be does grunting give an athlete a competitive advantage?  I had to get to the truth of the power behind the grunt.  And so, in an attempt to create my own episode of Sports Science, the Grunt Experiment was born.  Using one of those Drive Slower MPH Detectors parked on the side of the road, I tested the Grunt Hypothesis that shots hit with a grunt move faster than shots hit without a grunt.  The results just may shock you. 

I managed to hit the tennis ball 125 MPH faster with the grunt.  I have since decided to utilize the grunt in all facets of my life.  Never before have I typed so strongly.  I will be needing a new keyboard however.     

So does grunting actually create more power behind the tennis shot?  Yes.  The answer is a definitive yes.  Don’t be the guy to go against science dude.     

Monica Seles was the first to sound like she was getting hit with a wet muppet when she hit a tennis ball. Maria Sharapova is the new standard bearer for mid-swing sound. One of her admirers, nine year old Lauryn Edwards of Melbourne, Australia, has been banned from her tennis club for making the same sounds as her idol. I can sympathize, as I was once told to Shut The F*ck Up by Cuba Gooding Jr at a match at UCLA. It’s a shame Edwards doesn’t have the same Daddy Day Camp retalitory ammo I did at the time.