As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.

In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,

The Cowboys

Romo-thou art not a failure

Fumbulicious, maybe still

Play-offs still haunt your dreams

No longer necessary on special teams Read More

Ageless hockey enforcer Claude Lemieux retired today after an illustrious career of bashing heads and stealing souls. Lemieux, 44, won four Stanley Cup trophies with three different NHL teams, and finished up his 21-year career with the San Jose Sharks. The hockey great is also suspected of torturing countless souls during his tenure as the cackling ghoul known as “The Crypt Keeper”.

Fellow players and victims, alike, say that they will sorely miss the effervescent Lemieux. “He used to rock me into the boards like no one else,” said hockey hall-of-famer Mark Messier. “The funny thing is that he was always cordial after almost breaking your legs. And his laugh… boy, I’ll miss that.”

Chet Centra, was a victim of horrible torture by backwoods hillbillies and was blessed with Lemieux’s Crypt Keeper narration. He also recall’s Lemieux’s laugh.

“While these wicked, smelly hillbillies were cutting out my eyeball, this ghoul starts narrating what was going on,” said Centra between sips from his Shasta Cola. “I don’t know why he needed to explain what the torturers were doing–I was there. I could tell. But, still, that laugh, despite being high-pitched and ghoulish… it was comforting, y’know?”

As for Lemieux, he’s not sure if his retirement for one career is permanent. “I haven’t made any solid decisions, yet,” Lemieux told the gathered press at his Phoenix home. “But hockey’s over for me. I can’t keep up with these young guys. Crypt Keeping is very low-impact, though, so you never know!”

A gentleman in his early 20s stands outside the Bank of America at the intersection of Vine Street and Sunset Boulevard at 8:45 PM. He is wearing a Post-That-Denver-Thing Kobe Bryant Jersey (#8 is the dynasty number, #24 is the ‘maybe if I change my number, people will forget that I went two-hole on a rocky mountain groupie), Kevin Smith-esque jorts, and is holding a Lakers banner that is less flag than it is Battle Standard. He’s screaming in celebration, waving the standard to and fro, having a Little Death each time a passing car honks his horn. Of course, the jubilation is the same if the honking is for the Lakers winning the NBA title or if the guy in front of him drives like Mr. Magoo if he was from New Jersey. This kid has a big smile on his face and is nothing if not passionate.

He’s also an idiot.

Let’s just start doing the math: it’s very unlikely he has to get up in the morning to go to work, unless he’s got the morning shift at Popeyes (sidenote: there is no place more depraved than the Popeyes at Hollywood and Cahuenga before ten AM. If you were awakened from a time capsule [a la Brendan Frasier in Blast from the Past] you would be certain that the Soviets had won the Cold War). It’s equally unlikely that he has a girlfriend, because instead of deciding to spend an hour and a half celebrating the Lakers win by Kobe-ing her (the safe word is ‘Shaq’s-A-Bitch’), he’s waving a flag next to a couple ATMs and a dirt-encrusted bum who’s repeatedly screaming, “My popsicles are the best popsicles!” at the billboard with Johnny Depp on it. It’s 9:31PM. He’s still out there.

So this begs the question: what is he getting out of this? Read More

The NHL has sent shockwaves through the hockey community today with the announcement of Sidney Crosby’s suspension for violating the League’s strict performance enhancing substance ban. The statement from the league came just hours before the puck was set to drop for Game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals, which Crosby’s Penguins trail 2 to 0 to the Detroit Red Wings. Crosby responded to the allegations from the league with this statement: Read More

After a nail-biting overtime victory that nabbed the Detroit Red Wings the Western Conference title over the Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit fans lobbed the ceremonius octopus onto the ice. Problems arose when the octopus suddenly grew to gigantic proportions, causing fans and players to flee Joe Louis Arena. The gargantuan octopus is said to be tiring of the rink as there are no equally giant sharks to wage epic battle with.

In a stunning performance at game four of the Eastern Conference Finals, the Orlando Magic pulled ahead 3-1… wait, what? NHL, is that you? Why are you sitting all alone in the corner? No one likes you? That’s not true! You’re just on TV channels no one gets…

Okay, NHL, this is for you. So cheer up and turn that frown upside-down!

The Pittsburgh Penguins completed a sweep of the Carolina Panthers on Tuesday night, and are now on their way to the Stanley Cup Finals. Oh, it’s the Carolina Hurricanes ? Beggars can’t be choosers, NHL, so chill out. No one will notice!

Now, the Penguins are waiting for the Detroit Red Queens and the Chicago Blackhawks to suss out the Western Conference Finals. The Red Queens currently lead 3-1 in the… sorry, it’s Red Wings ?

You know what, NHL? I try my best to give you some attention and all you do is complain! This is too hard, I’m giving up and going back to NBA coverage. I may even cover cricket . Oh, yes, I did! I just went there, NHL!

PS–Please don’t kill me Red Wings fans. It was just a joke! I swear!

“What I want…what’s most important to me, is that I have a guarantee: no more attempts on my father’s life. Or at least the NBA and NHL finals being somewhat watchable. Either one would be fine.”

Starting with Little League and moving on to being professional fans, there’s always a back-of-the-mind suspicion that the fair play on the field is far from it. There have been accusations that the NBA Draft has been rigged for years, and the NHL all but forced Edmonton to let the greatest player of all time go to the second largest American market. It’s obliviously ridiculous to assume the games are fixed.

But what if they were? What if the respective leagues could get whatever match-up they wanted in their finals? Who would they pick?

Here are the match-ups as ranked by the evil corporate bastards:

NBA

12. Orlando Magic vs Dallas Mavericks – There has to be a last place. The NBA wants as little of Mark Cuban as possible, and having him trashing the commissioner at Epcot Center isn’t exactly high on their list. Read More

We’ve all heard by now. Brett Favre is meeting at an undisclosed location in Mississippi to talk to Brad Childress about supplanting The Sage as the quarterback of the Vikings. Minnesota would probably instantly become the favorites in the division despite Favre meaning bucketloads of pick sixes and the occassional deep ball that everyone (including the linemen) think is a handoff to AP.

The stint with the Jets did a number to Favre’s immaculate legacy. This would absolutely drag it through a muddy, murky, pit of hippo flop. People don’t understand the magnitude of this, of what Packers fans must be feeling to see their favorite son potentially headed to a division rival. So here are a few regional examples to give you an idea, no matter where you are:

Baltimore: Cal Ripken Jr. announces a lifelong dream to pitch for the New York Yankees and is revealed to be lactose intolerant.

Boston: Larry Bird joins the Lakers and is caught making out with Pat Riley when the Heat come to town.

Read More

Maybe that’s a bit of a fear-mongering title, but Redskins head coach Jim Zorn’s mortal terror appears to be at least slightly genuine when he was sandbagged on the Kiss Cam at Game 2 of Capitals-Penguins. 

The whole situation was clarified after the game: the woman to his right wasn’t his wife, but his mom’s friend from bridge.

No one hates this Instant Classic, Every-Game-Is-The-Greatest-Ever ESPN crap more than me. But the bottom line is that there’s no better time to watch the NBA or NHL. Here are five quick hit thoughts:

1. There isn’t a bigger wild-card in sports than a hot goalie. I’m not giving the Conn Smythe to Simeon Varlamov just yet. But the second period save against Sid the Kid was completely insane, all but giving the game the the Caps. Patrick Roy, JS Giguere, and late-90s Dominik Hasek are examples of how one guy can ride a sickening streak to the finals. It’s like a corner picking off half of the passes thrown in the Super Bowl. That big of a deal.

2. Bulls-Celtics is the type of series that builds a long-standing rivalry. Whichever team wins this series will have earned it. Whichever team loses this series will be watching tape of it for years. This is Ali-Frazier I. Who knew Joakim Noah would actually look like a lottery pick? Read More