Dallas 3, Minnesota 34

Chad Johnson, now known as Ochocinco, has self-diagnosed his questionable knee as okay after some bedroom activities.

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“Ya hungry big fella’?”

Sorry Ike. But seriously Norv Turner reminds me of this drunken employee I once worked with. No matter how drunk he came to work, management always gave him a pass. Norv Turner is like that with his coaching. Not that he comes to work drunk and giggles at his reflection in LT’s visor for 10 minutes, but he is a terrible NFL coach. When Alex Spano hired him his NFL record was 64 wins and 82 losses. WHAT??!!! This gets the official “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Who thought this was a good idea? I’m sure I could get talked to death about Turner’s good points but this is kind of ridiculous. Fire a guy who takes your team to the playoffs consistently to hire a guy with a losing record. Well, a 10-5 record isn’t bad. It’s pretty damn good but is it Norv? Not at all. None of the games thatSan Diego lost in my opinion were excusable. So and So’s defense wasn’t so terrifying that the offense couldn’t get going. It was Norv. Towards the end of the season with a few wins under his belt I think Norv decided that it would be “too risky” risking possibly not getting into the post season with his playbook and simply threw the thing out. (Either that or before each game LT tells Merriman to eat this “notebook sandwich” because it will give him a boost of energy.) Afterwards poor Turner pretends to coach the game when actually it’s the Chargers sidelines “just fooling around” and that’s when they get their wins. They realized that Norv was actually just the Wizard of Oz. The Chargers sidelines (minus Norv) went on a 5 win streak late in the year because they were tired of losing. So now if he really wanted to Norv really could be like my former co-worker who came to work drunk. He doesn’t have to coach his team anymore he’s just gotta be there. So, Norv, have an AMF on me you paper cut out.

1. At what point during a terrible losing season do you just say, “Screw it, we need to get the best draft pick possible?”  Of all the leagues, the NFL is the easiest to tank a season and guarantee yourself a top pick.  The NBA has those little white bouncing lotto balls and executives sitting in a room rooting against all the other guys in the room, all of whom will go on to make bad draft decisions anyway. In football, they do it the most basic way – the more you lose, the better your pick.  There needs to be a position created in every sports organization entitled Director of Common Sense.  Take the Jets today.  If they consciously lost the game against Herman Edwards and the Chiefs and swallowed their pride, they would have been better off and secured a great pick.  But losing on purpose lacks dignity and is looked down upon and can bring stiff penalties from the league office if it can be proven.  So the Jets go on to win the game in OT, lose a top 3 pick (they now pick 6th), and will probably lose the chance to pick Darren McFadden.  Makes perfect sense to me.
   
2. The NFL record for kick returns for touchdowns was shattered this year. Was it me, or did it seem like every time you saw highlights for the week, we saw someone break enough ankles on a return to make you physically pull the “ouch” face?  It begs the question though – are kick returners getting better at their craft or are coaches getting worse in their coverage schemes?  Joshua Cribbs and Devin Hester have become two of the most exciting players in football.  When are special teams’ coaches going to understand that kicking the ball away from these guys will help them save their jobs?
3. The debate about sitting your starters or playing them in the last week (or two) of the season – if the team has secured a playoff spot – is sickening to me.  These guys get paid more money than we can imagine and coaches still coddle them.  I understand you need to rest your guys and if the game is meaningless, it makes sense.  But it still completely irritates me.  In what other profession can you just say, “You know what boss, I’m going to take the last two weeks of our fiscal year off so I can rest my wrists.  I want to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome because I’m more valuable when I can type faster.”  You’d be out of a job before you could finish that sentence.  Professional sports lost its morality and dignity a long time ago, but this kind of thing is just absurd.  How are sitting starters to be safe for the playoffs – knowing you’ll probably lose with your second stringers in there anyway – any different than a bad team tanking on purpose for a better draft pick?
4. Not having highlights from close to 15 games every Sunday for the next 8 months is upsetting to me.  Am I the only one that noticed myself on my couch today eating peanuts and chips and drinking beer, almost in mourning?  It’s tough seeing any NFL season come to an end, especially this one, as dynamic as it has been.  I know I can’t be alone on this.
5. I love football.

I don’t care if New England doesn’t lose a game. I am tired of people trying to get me to care. The only reason I am watching the New England, New York game is a long story that involves my in-laws, stolen wireless internet and rabbit ears.

Once, some guy at a bar tried to tell me that Sublime was the best band ever. I was the bigger man and didn’t break a bar stool on his skull. I can’t guarantee that kind of safety to the next person that tries and tell me that the Patriot’s are “making history.” If Tom Brady can write a 8th grade history text book, then I will believe they are making history.

Oh, and Deion Sanders’ hat offends me too. Call me when the Broncos don’t lose a game.

In honor of the last game at Giants Stadium, the organization and team did nothing.

Fans hold up a sign that reads "Thanks for the Memories". They had no room to add "except for this one."

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Thomas Coughlin coach of my beloved New York Football Giants says he’s gonna play the starters. Could it possibly be a strategy? He may actually be doing this just to trick Bill Belichick into playing his starters. That way he doesn’t play any of his starters at the last minute. BAM!! Coughie throws in the JV squad and because they’re so excited to play they pull out all the stops. Belichick is stunned at the starving mob that has now taken the field. They’re taunting Tom Brady and a wily wide receiver has purposely kicked Rodney Harrison in the head after an incomplete pass. Lorenzen tells the guys in the huddle that he wants to do that play from Necessary Roughness. Suddenly, on the 1^st series of the 3^rd Quarter the Giants throw an out pattern to Hedgecock who catches and is forced out of bounds by Bruschci right into Bill (Road kill) Belichick. Coughlin smiles knowingly on the sidelines and shakes hands with Eli who is wearing his lounge-like red, white, and blue sweatpants and matching jacket.

But then again that’s not reality. The reality is you have a historic game and a playoff spot. Do you attempt to make history now? Or Hope you win every game in the playoffs to make it to the equally historic Super Bowl?  I say make history now and risk it. For the Giants as far as the playoffs go sometimes they’re hunger comes into question. Either way you cut it after this game they’re gonna get that hunger back win or lose. Play all your starters because the playoffs start on Saturday for us. You’re playing the (statistically) best team in football. If the O-line opens up a “Strahan Gap” and Jacobs busts out for an excellent day then they know they can do it to the best team. If Eli is lying on the ground after missing another incomplete pass admiring Junior Seau’s testicle musk it’ll intoxicate him with a fire unmatched by any cheerleader that’s been down there in a more intimate setting. Either way it’ll be a good thing I think. And in case everything goes to shit and there’s a Boobie Miles type scenario I won’t gripe and tell people that Coughlin’s a dummy from hypocratic soap box. Oh and also a homeless man once told me “Go big or Go home.” Isn’t that what football is all about?

Last night the New York Giants looked like the 5-0 team I remember from the beginning of this season!

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