Miami Dolphins held their first ever “Take your daughter to work day” today, where employees of the organization were encouraged to bring their daughters and nieces under the age 12 to come be a part of the team for a very special father-daughter bonding experience.

The Dolphins haven’t had something go this terribly wrong since Ricky Williams claimed it was “Bong O’Clock” and essentially left the 2007 (1-15) season a joke that could only be told made funny by the likes of Cheech and Chong.

The day started out as a to show of love and support, with dolphins personnel showing their daughters the day-to-day operations of a professional football franchise. It was a day they hoped would introduce young women to a profession that has long been dominated by middle aged males in team visors and old curmudgeons chomping on cigars talking about the good ol’ days, when you were allowed to lay haymakers on refs, drink in the huddle and play both sides of the ball.

However, the day took a very ugly turn when a friendly scrimmage turned into an all-out war on the field, as Dolphin veterans turned cold when the niece of one of the trainers put a late hit on receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. From there, things just seemed to get out of hand. Read More

For everyone who can’t stand Joe Buck…Mr. Artie Lange.

Rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez is letting the ink dry on a fresh contract signed yesterday with the New York Jets–worth as much as $60 million, with $28 million guaranteed. Reports are still sketchy if money can offset a future of mediocrity and crushing defeat, but preliminary reports from Sanchez’s camp are an emphatic “yes “.

With $28 million already in the bank, speculation is rampant about what Sanchez will splurge on. If his post-draft lifestyle is any indication, he will be spending a lot on hair gel and… probably pantyhose. The dude’s a cupcake! Hopefully, his arm holds up because the Jet’s O-line is about as useful as lipstick on a dingo.

Yeah, I don’t know what that means, either…

Brett Favre is in the process of pulling one of the biggest practical jokes on the sporting media. For the past few months, Favre–with the help of Vikings head coach Brad Childress–has been leading the media to believe that he will come back one more time and play for the Minnesota Vikings. Now, all of this could be true, but I like to imagine that they are just jerking the media around to get a few laughs.

Now, I have no proof of this, but I think Favre is just getting revenge on ESPN for making his un-retirement last year into a CNN-like media circus. They built expectations way beyond reality and so when Favre fell a bit short of the playoffs with the Jets, everyone felt a gypped. Now it’s a new year, and a new un-retirement rumor for Favre and he’s looking for some payback.

Let’s break down his diabolical plan:

Step One
Place a few phone calls as an “unidentified source” to ESPN and various Minnesota newspapers. Say how you’re practicing with some high school kids and looking hungry for some competition.

Step Beta
Call Brad Childress–who happens to also hate the sports media–and get him in on the action. Tell Brad to call your agent, expressing interest in some Favre action with the Vikings. With blood in the water, the media starts freaking out. Make sure to let Brad know that any comment he makes to the press should be cryptic and vague.

Step Kilgore
Schedule tendon surgery that would alleviate that nagging pain in your arm, but have your physician make it out to mean that the surgery is only done when a quarterback wants to get back to throwing ASAP. Follow this up by appearing incognito in various Minneapolis locales. Was it a ghost, or was it Favre?

Step 666
Call ESPN again as an “unidentified source” and say how Brad gave you a deadline to commit to playing with the Vikings. On the following day, have Brad call a local radio station and have him deny the whole thing… and have him blame it on your wife. Deanna’s been getting on your back for a week about that damn gazebo she wants built.

Step Infinity
Continue the charade until a day before preseason starts and then hold a press conference saying that you “might still be interested, but nothing is for certain” and watch the press freak out some more. Rinse and repeat for the next five years.

If all goes to plan, ESPN’s news operation will have a massive heart attack and implode. Once it’s bloated corpse is buried, we can get back to enjoying the obscure sports that they used to play in lieu of endless talking heads. God bless you, Brett Favre!

Brett Favre is no stranger to working against the clock.  However, his most recent challenge is the deadline imposed by the Minnesota Vikings head coach, Brad Childress, that will require him to make his decision about playing in the 2009 season by the end of the week.  Surely, Favre is experiencing a bit of stress.  I’m here to let him know that deadlines are not what they used to be.  If you miss one, you will by no means end up dead.  In fact, there are several ways for Favre to get around the deadline and buy himself some more time.

1. Send your decision in the form of an email attachment, but “accidentally” attach the wrong file.  Make the decision while waiting for the Vikings to email back saying it’s the wrong attachment.  Say sorry in the reply and send the real decision.

2. Announce a death in the family shortly before the deadline.  The Vikings will probably assume that it’s a lie, but if they anything less than understanding, scream, “How dare you!” and storm off.  Out of fear of looking insensitive, they’ll give you a little more time. Read More

The Detroit Lions, who went 0-16 last season, have a new, beefed up look for the 2009-2010 season.  The Lions will have Honolulu blue uniforms with a bolder logo and team name.  First, it is surprising that there is actually money to be found in Detroit with the dying American automotive industry.  But keep in mind that this upgrade is only a superficial one.  The personel has changed very little and it will likely show when they take the field in the upcoming months.  Fancy outfits don’t turn haggard, ragtag whores into classy ladies and new uniforms don’t turn haggard, ragtag teams into winners.

Quarterback Vince Young is ready to get some starting time, whether it is with the Tennessee Titans, or not. Young made his views known to a Baltimore television station this week that he wants to be a starter anytime, anywhere. The problem with Young’s current location is that Kerry Collins took his starter spot and isn’t going to give it up any time soon, as Collins recently re-signed with the Titans.

Since Young put himself up on the auction block, let’s speculate on which team would be a great match for his toolset.

Which team needs a quarterback who:

1) Folds like a lawn chair?
2) Incapable of hitting the broad side of a barn?
3) Puts himself up for trade without his team’s consent?

The obvious choice is the Oakland Raiders, of course! Al Davis loves this kind of BS from his players. Unfortunately for Vince, the Raiders already have Jeff Garcia and most other teams are only looking for third-stringers. Maybe he should pull out that Kerry Collins voodoo doll and put some pins to it. That’s the only way Vince has a chance at starting this year.

Pandemonium erupted this morning at the usually tranquil ESPN offices in Bristol, Connecticut, when an associate producer for ESPN’s flagship “Sports Center” made a casual remark at the show’s morning meeting that at some point “Terrell Owens was going to retire.”

A handful of fires were reported and several people had to receive medical attention, as everyone in the room exploded into panic upon hearing that their own Public Enemy #1 would one day hang-up his cleats. Once that realization set in, the bedlam spilled out of the conference room and into the main offices, as employees were found chaotically trying to back-up files, taking baseball bats to camera equipment, some frantically trying to carry cardboard cutouts of Brett Favre to safety, and curmudgeon Skip Bayless even “accidentally” lit longtime friend of Sports Center commercials, Mr. Met’s, head on fire for being “an abomination to other more talented mascots.”

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“I’ve fallen cause I got too drunk!”

New Orleans Tight End Jeremy Shockey took a quick trip to the hospital Sunday where he was treated for dehydration after he was found unconscious. No surgery to remove his pride was necessary.

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I still think it’s funny that the Cincinnati Bengals’ wide receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson legally changed his name to Chad Ochocinco.  This stunt has elevated him to the ranks of great name changers like Puff Daddy, Prince, and Cat Stevens.  Instead of spending his time proving his critics wrong and showing that he’s not overrated, number 85 is spending his time carrying out jokes to ridiculous lengths.  Now, the sports media is calling him Chad Ochocinco as if it was a dignified surname with a rich history. Read More