You can almost feel it. We’re about to make that stunning leap across the calendar to September, when the most wonderful time of the year will begin. Football season. Fans are trying to decide if they need a new game-day jersey (time to toss the 4, Jets fans), beer companies are dreaming about all the money they’re going to make, and everyone and their mother has a prediction.

When you’ve been in a desert, any amount of water is precious. So while ringing out leaves for droplets of news about how good practice was today (cue AI), a brutal discovery was made: Rankings of Every Player in the NFL! Shockingly, this egomaniacally definitive list was found on the pages of ESPN.com, compiled by the good people at Scouts Inc.

According to these Experts, who allegedly made careers at one point in speculation (although they’re not doing that anymore, now are they?), DeMarcus Ware is the best player in the NFL. They cite his speed, pass-rushing moves, and increased productivity in coverage as good reasons for it. However, they have an award to determine the best player in the league. It’s called the MVP. They even have one specifically for defensive players, tastefully named the Defensive Player of the Year award. Ware won neither of these, and his team didn’t make the playoffs.

Five spots behind Ware is James Harrison, a guy who did win the Defensive Player of the Year Award and whose team did win the Super Bowl. This would presumably give credit to the list if it wasn’t by the Scouts. ESPN lacquers credibility onto these authors by claiming they used to be professional scouts, the same profession that didn’t draft Harrison in 2002. To make matters worse, Harrison was cut by two of the best scouting teams in the league (Pittsburgh and Baltimore) and did a stint with the Rhein Fire! Does that sound like anyone should listen to these people? Read More

It is not usually the position of a comedy blog to comment upon tragic events. The string of deaths in the last few weeks almost entirely avoided falling under that umbrella because of the sideshows that swirled around them. Before Michael Jackson’s body was even remotely cold, the office was buzzing with an official list of Too Soon jokes. The same was true of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Billy Mays.

So when Steve McNair was found dead in a Nashville apartment on the fourth of July, the natural instinct is to find something to write about. It look a good twenty four hours to figure out exactly what that was going to be. As information trickled out from behind the yellow tape, it became abundantly clear what the commentary needed to be.

I don’t need every Why.

Steve McNair was a rare kind of superstar; a league MVP who was never considered a Hall of Fame quarterback. An incredible athlete in college who paved the way for small school starters like Tony Romo, Joe Flacco, and Daunte Culpepper to get a good look in the pros. A guy who was so legendarily tough that he played as long as his body would allow him to literally stand. Our fantasy football-mad journalists and HOF voters could never bring themselves to talk about him as one of the best quarterbacks in the league because his talent didn’t result in big numbers. Sure, now the ESPN buzzards are asking if he’s a HOF candidate, and the intelligent members of the press have to softly say no. Read More

We are now in the Dead Zone. The U.S. Open has just concluded (Tiger did not win but Phil performed his folderama so at the least the Universe makes half-sense), the never-ending NBA and NHL playoffs have finally ended and the NCAA football and basketball championships are but a distant memory (who won?). Not even the NFL can fill in the Dead Zone in its quest of an all-year season although all are trying their best with the latest Brett Favre Watch and other drivel. Tennis has two meaningful matches a year and Federer wins. Soccer at its highest level is fun to watch for a few minutes but it is soccer. The WNBA is not an option.

Unless you live in one of four or five cities, baseball, the American past-time (and I emphasize “past”) is of little or no interest to most of us who do not have owners willing to spend $100 million plus to try to buy a championship. Even if you dare go to a game on a nice summer night, I defy anyone to actually watch an entire baseball game on television for nine innings without taking a nap (induced or otherwise) or surf the Net or feed the cat (repeatedly). It is almost impossible to watch grown men in uniforms just stare at one another for long periods of time between a few seconds of action and ED commercials.

Even the sportswriters feel the pain in the Dead Zone. Do we really care about the human interest story of the undrafted free agent rookie on the Ravens/Giants/Eagles (pick any team) who will get cut before the second exhibition game? I believe that the weekly leaks on the baseball steroids abusers are not coming from the Justice Department, but rather from some sports desk editor desperately trying to find something interesting to write about for his shrinking readership. Read More

For everyone who can’t stand Joe Buck…Mr. Artie Lange.

Houston guard Kyle Lowry went to the line for a pair of free throws. It was at this time that ESPN seized the opportunity to present fun facts about Lowry. 

The man loves pancakes. And his favorite player is Yao Ming. And he’s seven.

Legendary broadcaster, hall of fame coach, and the Mario of sports games John Madden has officially called his last game in the NFL. The aftershocks are as follows:

-Uh-Der-Um-Uh-Huh-Uh brand detergent no longer gets the free product mentions.

-Ducks, Turkeys, and Chickens can now all hang out in the same area without the threat of being torn to pieces by the bare hands of a drunk-with-hunger pitch-man.

-Millions of gamers await the release of Collinsworth ‘10.

-Shocked, Al Davis chokes on his Soul Po’Boy. Lives.

I’m no fan of the DC tribe, but Chris Cooley’s retort to the city of Cleveland simply must be given its due.

From Chris Cooley’s official site:

Dear Dennis

Hey Cooley,
Your a f***ing douchebag.  How you gonna talk shit about Cleveland like that?  I hope we do trade for your ass just so I can boo you during home games.  Grow up and be a professional.  You never know we’re your gonna end up this is the NFL so talking shit about a city you might end up in is kind of idiotic.  I used to have a good impression of you and be a fan.  Now I see what a faggot primodonna you are.  Peace hom0.
Dennis - FROM CLEVELAND

Dennis,
I’m glad that I have a chance to respond to you, as well as the many other outraged Cleveland fans that have commented on this site.  I was nothing short of amazed when the comments to the trade rumor post soared passed the 200 mark, but embarrassed for multiple Browns fans with their outrageous remarks. Dennis, you and many others accused me of talking shit about the Browns.  The comment that I made was “I would be pissed if I got my ass shipped to Cleveland.”  Now if I would have made one negative statement about the Browns organization, the players, the team, or even the city I would have agreed with you. I clearly did not.
Dennis, by your brilliant writing style and obvious intelligence I should be surprised that you took my comment out of context, but I guess you just never know.  So for you I will clarify, really all I was saying was that I do not want to leave DC.  Any team or city could have been interchanged and I would have made the same statement.  ”I would be pissed to go to San Diego, Baltimore, or even New England.” Nothing wrong with any of their teams, fans, or cities, I’m just happy where I am.   Your, wait, (you’re) kinda idiotic.
Oh! I almost forgot.  John Elway wanted me to ask you how it felt almost getting to the Super Bowl?  That must have been awesome!
Regards,
Chris
To everyone else who commented on the fantastic comments.  First class, all the way!  I had no clear opinion what amazing fans you guys were, but now I have a definite jealousy of anyone wearing that beautiful orange helmet.  Gooooo Browns!

http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/2009/03/dear-dennis.html

Splog is now on iTunes as a weekly podcast! Check it out here…

The first episode was a solo effort. Week 2 featured the always hilarious Martin Kivlighan.

This week: Douche Larue!

When you’re feeling lonely or a bit down in the dumps, ask yourself, what if I had a friend?  A friend that is there for you in the good, the bad and the losses of OSU.

If you’re in need of a dude to hang out with you, then Broharmony.com is your place to be.  With thousands of dudes just like you, a dude for you is just a few clicks away.

Take a look at the video and hopefully we’ll see you, dude, on www.Broharmony.com.

ESPN named some great players to their Pac-10 all conference team.  They managed to spell Syd’Quan and Alterraun correctly, but somehow changed one of the nation’s best linebackers into a loaf of bread?  I don’t think he is a player that loafs around, though he has been known to give opponents a knuckle sandwich.

The last thing any editor would want is an angry Rey Maualuga showing up in his office.  He would be in quite the pickle if he couldn’t cut the mustard.