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Jeff Linholm (center), a Chula Vista, California skydiving enthusiast, is another fatality claimed by the growing sport of indoor skydiving. With the recession hitting especially hard on extreme sports enthusiasts, many are finding novel indoor alternatives to the outdoor events, often with disastrous results. City councils all over the country are trying to curb the this growing trend, but are finding it difficult to regulated what people can or cannot do inside their homes.
Authorities recommend that friends and family of extreme sports junkies be vigilant in identifying the signs of indoor extreme action and try to talk loved ones out of it. Things to look for include: parachutes being worn while doing mundane tasks, like laundry; very long bungee cords hanging from the shower head in the shower; hang gliders being used in place of a coffee table; motocross bikes revving from the basement; and Mountain Dew sponsorship stickers in place of wallpaper.
Thanks to swift action by our loveable Lampoon ninjas, we have obtained a photo from the controversial nude peephole video of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews! Many good ninjas died to get us this salacious photo, so the Splog has decided to get the photo out there on the internets to honor our fallen comrades. Since no one is reading the words now and just want to see the photo, take a gander eager beavers…
With today being the eve of the ESPY awards, I feel it’s necessary to rub in everyone’s face what the rich and famous are getting for free. We all know they deserve it, especially during these hard economic times. It’s not like they can afford all these things, right?
Here is a list of what celebrities and “sports personalities” will be receiving just for blocking out about 2 hours of their schedule for some meaningless award show:
Undefeated and EA Sports: Free duffel bags. But wait! If you’re one of the thirty VIPs you get a personalized, laser-engraved PlayStation 3 or PSP, just in case someone loots your house and it ends up in a pawn shop or Ebay.
iHome: Free speakers, Keyboards and wireless laser mouse, and laptop cooling pads. I feel like most sports personalities have a much better system in their homes than iHome speakers. And it’s nice to see they get an icy-hot patch for their computer, since they spend hours and hours on their personal computers. (Anyone else notice the laser trend?)
Simmons Jewelry: Was Jacob the Jeweler not available? Oh wait, he’s in jail isn’t he? Now it makes sense.
NameDrop.com: Free Flip cams. Great, now you’re just encouraging celebrity sex tapes.
Muze Clothing: T-shirts printed with classic movie lines. Why? This is a sports award show. Or are these for those “cross-over” stars?
Skullcandy: Headphones, so they can ignore screaming die-hard fans.
Wynn: VIP cards for the Vegas casino pool. The Wynn has a pool? I doubt it’s better than Rehab.
Marley Coffee: Coffee beans made by the son of a Bob Marley. OK, now it’s just getting ridiculous. I see these being re-gifted to the hired help.
Axe: Body Spray. F*ck the smell of victory, bring on the smell of DOUCHEBAG!
Sentient: Coupons for private jets. Can’t go anywhere without their coups!
Patron: I feel like this goes hand in hand with the Flip cam.
See, doesn’t this make you feel better about being a common folk with nothing grand to add to the world? I thought so.
A confused Tony Romo stood awkwardly still this morning as he played with a gigantic Siberian tiger in Bethesda, Maryland. The Dallas Cowboys’ slinger had reportedly been told by girlfriend Jessica Simpson that she had scored him a “tea time” with Tiger, which happens to be the name of the pictured tiger. Romo, an avid amateur golfer, thought that his girlfriend had meant a “tee time” with famed golfer Tiger Woods.
Friends of Romo that witnessed the “play time” said that he tried to play it cool while the 1100-pound predator drank a milk tea concoction from a baby’s bottle, but was actually “completely beside himself with terror”.
Romo refused to comment after the event, but he was seen intensely scowling at Simpson as they hurried to his vehicle.
In this shocking photo from Saturday in Breakridge, Alabama, bar stool racing enthusiast Bobby Moleen was mere seconds away from hitting the speed of light and being reduced to a pile of primordial goo. On the right, a tear in time-space can be seen forming as Moleen hits 186,282 feet-per-second. No one knows if tear in time-space is dangerous, but it can easily be seen from the International Space Station, 220 miles above the Earth’s surface.
Experts are unsure how Moleen broke the speed of light in a vehicle known for seldom breaking 12 miles-per-hour, nor is it known if the gelatinous substance found at the point of the tear in time-space is actually Moleen’s remains. There will be a public memorial service held for Moleen once the quarantine by the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is lifted.
In a shocking revelation today at the Belmont Stakes practice track, fan-favorite Mine That Bird was discovered to not actually be a bird. An astute official watching the morning warmup noticed that Mine That Bird is, in fact, a duck . How this will affect Mine That Bird’s near future at the Belmont Stakes is uncertain at this time, as officials are not sure if a duck is a violation of the rules.
The time is here. The most anticipated sporting event since Women’s Football has reached the Finals. It’s The 2009 National Spelling Bee. Winner takes all. Blood, sweat, and tears will be left center stage.
This is a sport that no grown-up dares to enter – well that and the fact that it’s exclusively for children in Pre-K to Eighth grade. But if they did they would be butchered. In 2006 a kid took a terrible spill on the stage. A word came at him and knocked him off his feet. You can’t get this kind of action in other sports.
Other pro-athletes dream of spelling words correctly let alone speaking coherent. So these pro-spellers offer their help to the less fortunate. Former Vice President Dan Quayle has been taking lessons hoping to one day learn how to spell potato. “Is it an e or no e? I give up!”
Before the Finals we got a chance to peek into the locker room. A kid hung his head over the toilet in agony. A tiny little kid in the corner banged on the lockers and screamed, “K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L.” Others came with their A game and didn’t let this kid get into their head. Refusing to let anything stand in there way. “Stay out of my way,” a kid yelled at a trash can. Index cards flew through the locker room; an older kid that appeared to be college bound and sporting a small moustache sat, stood and walked to a makeshift podium, practicing how he planned to wow the crowd.
Only one will be victorious, the other a sore loser. Now go cry to your momma and shut up!
Every now and again we like to post some videos of people getting hit by balls, so here is my top 10 list of people getting hit by big gym balls…sometimes in the balls.
*Editors Note: we omitted gym ball compilations from the competition. If you have more videos you think are better, stick it in the comments. ENJOY!
#10 Aussie Kids are just funny…especially when you get kicked in the face (go to :26)
Jump Here To See the Rest!!!!!
Not sure exactly when this was or why its really on Youtube, but its a glorious 24 seconds of a naked marathon…and this time its all women.
Enjoy your Saturday!
