Sometimes things just write themselves for you. Take this news headline, for example:

India win toss and bat in first Windies ODI

Now that was all in English, and I am an English-speaker… but what? What does that even mean? Is it some sort of sexual euphemism? Does the mysterious AP stringer who wrote that headline even understand it?

If you think the confusion ends at the headline, think again…

India won the toss and elected to bat in the opening one-day international against the West Indies on Friday at Sabina Park.

I understood “Friday” and “Park”… and I have a pretty good idea of what an “international” is (a boring, boring movie starring Clive Owen).

It still sounds like some swingers party. The fact that the actual article about this toss and bat orgy is only two sentences long leads me to believe that no one understands whatever an ODI is. There is no actual sport mentioned in the article, just the players in this sick and twisted “event”.

I’m washing my hands of the whole thing and am going to watch some good, old-fashioned monkey races.

A giant bush cricket took the cricket world by storm this morning when it stomped the field in Lahore, Pakistan. When officials tried to penalize the large, green insect for not following the rules, it showed little emotion as it stomped the head umpire and two of his assistants. It is rumored that the gigantic cricket is extremely unhappy with its name being associated with such a boring, weird sport.

Once the behemoth had maimed and/or injured most of the cricketers, it left the grounds in Lahore, headed in the general direction of England–the sport’s birthplace.

     Kolkata, India.  Last night police arrested a 6th bookie in an ICL and IPL gambling ring (those are cricket leagues…oh wait, here you go wiki cricket). 

     When the police arrested Manoj Mau (37) they took his television and Nokia cell phone and 160,000 Rupees (that’s $4,000USD…big ballin!).  Appearing in court today, Mau was remanded into police custody. 

     The phone is under surveilance and the television is being interrogated, but refuses to show the "last" channel viewed.  Detectives will employ a "vertical hold" torture technique to coherse the television into revealing its sources.

Click here for more of the story!

The longest cricket game ever played was between England and South Africa in 1939 and took nine straight days.

    From down under, we bring you a wobbly bobbly Kiwi who just barely saves his beer after taking quite the tumble.  While no one was hurt, investigators are looking into innapropriate beer cruelty–an offence punishable by law in Australia and New Zealand.

    Other fans caught recently in the news include this young gentleman.