No one ever said Reffing an NBA game was easy.  But events over the past few NBA seasons really have put the current refs in even deeper pressure than ever before.  Any questionable calls or discrepancis immediately leads to calls of foul play (no pun intended).  And so I think it is time for the NBA to do the only thing they really can do.  Yep, you guessed it, start a reality TV show.  They can announce their desire to find a replacement for Dick Bavetta (seeing as he still goes to Minneapolis when he is told to ref Lakers games - get it he’s old) and call the show "so you think you can ref?"  Instead of dance-offs we would witness ref-offs and feats of strength/agility. Bavetta could be one of the judges along with Barkley and Rasheed Wallace. Tim Donaghy could do the PSAs. Priceless.

If you have any reservations over Bavetta’s retirement, just consider the fact that he was born in 1939. That’s WWII time for those of you keeping score at home.  Now with advances in modern medicine and his high level of income it isn’t ridiculous to think that he will live to be 125 so who knows.  And he is the only ref that kisses the players publicly.  Did you eat garlic for dinner Chuck?  All things to consider. 

No, not just a lame movie with Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, government cover-ups, mind control, and silent helicopters (I know it actually sounds cool but trust me not so much).  I am talking about the recent rumblings from certain people that the current NBA Playoffs are NOT on the level.  Sure, these loonies (or “truth” tellers as they call themselves) also believe that we have landed on the moon and that the Iraq war was a deliberately concocted scheme designed to profit friends and lobbyists.  Craziness, I know.  But what if…    

So let’s get that paranoia feeling flowing and channel our best Oliver Stone impersonations as we take a look at the NBA: Conspiracy Style. 

Some would have you believe that this all started way back in the off-season.  Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen surreptitiously arrived in Bean Town suddenly and dramatically reviving one of the classic basketball powerhouses in NBA History.  Oh, and also a historically strong television ratings team.  Hmmm.  Next comes the mid-season steal, I mean deal, that sent Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown.  Again, some might say this was a lop-sided trade.  I would argue however that Kwame is great at (not) catching the ball.  Just a thought. 

And so we have two classic big market teams rising to the top seeds in both the East and the West after arguably two of the most one-sided trades in recent NBA memory.  A positive for the League one might think.  Conspiracy theorists are rolling. 

 Fast forward on to the playoffs.  The Celtics have struggled but continue to hold home court and are 1 game away from grabbing a spot in the Eastern Conference Finals.  The Lakers on the other side are also 1 game away from punching their ticket into the Finals of the Western Conference.  In the most recent game 5 of the Lakers/Jazz series there was a controversial no-call on Pau Gasol’s offensive rebound and dunk over Mehmet Okur late in the 4^th Quarter.  Conspiracy or flop? 

Let’s take a look at the fouls.  In the Lakers/Jazz series, the Lakers through 5 games have 123 fouls compared to the 149 fouls called on the Jazz.  That equates to 25 per game for the Lakers versus 30 per game for the Jazz.  If you look at the regular season numbers, the Lakers averaged 21 fouls per game and the Jazz averaged 24 fouls per game.  The Jazz do happen to foul the most out of any team in the League during the regular season.  The difference between the two in the series taking into account the regular season average is plus or minus 2 fouls; not much support for the conspiracy theorists here. 

Looking at the other series in the Playoffs, you have teams like the Spurs (one game away from getting into the Western Finals) and the Pistons (already into the Eastern Finals now for the 6^th straight season) that do NOT bring big television audiences and yet they continue to win.  Yet another knock against the conspiracy proponents. 

And now we even have players becoming “believers”.  Chris Paul said to the score’s table during last night’s blowout to the Spurs “It’s almost like someone called them (the refs) up at halftime and said ‘let them boys win’”.  Interesting comment CP3, and even more intriguing is his country slang.  Makes me wonder if he had a straw cowboy hat on chewing some tobacca while he made that comment.     

Of course, the whole Tim Donaghy thing this past summer surely doesn’t help the non-conspiracy group.  But think about the level of complexity involved in rigging a game.  There are so many moving pieces in a basketball contest.  The game has to play out a certain way for the refs to even have the opportunity to decide it.  And gross discrepancies in calls or “phantom” calls just don’t happen out there.  The only level of conspiracy I could accept would possibly be one ref being instructed that if the game is close and there is a 50/50 call then they make it based on the team with the higher TV ratings.  I could maybe see something like that happening.  But I just don’t buy it.    

The fallout from a collusion strategy such as this one would be astronomic.  The risks far outweigh the rewards because IF the NBA was to get caught trying to influence the outcomes then there would be great damage to the brand and the viewership.  Greater I believe than the positive results of a higher televised series one year where no Detroit and no San Antonio appear in the Finals.  But that’s just my opinion.  I’m sure if my team gets knocked out then I too might jump at conspiracy theories to explain it.      

Trying to watch sports with a Lady Friend is like carrying a popsicle made of deadly toxins through the desert.  It’s a delicate proposition.  We all know who wears the pants in the relationship.  But with my help utilizing these time honored strategeries you too can enjoy your favorite teams on a nightly basis. 

The way I see it you have five options available to you.  Get ready these might hurt: 

Number 1.)  Do you have any hard-hitting pain medication or sleeping pills in the house?  If yes, problem solved.  If no, move on to the next option on the list. 

Number 2.)  Play dead.  If you are around 10 yrs old this just might work.  If you are older than 20 this might buy you some time, but will probably only end up hurting the relationship.   

Number 3.)  Suggest giving her a backrub.  Place the game on in the background and be sure to keep your sounds of jubilation/heartache to a minimum as the game unfolds.  You can thank me later. 

Number 4.)  Depending on the importance of the game, you may choose to bargain with the woman for some valuable T.V. watching time.  I call this the Buy My Bikes Approach.  Offer up a few episodes of the real housewives of the OC or perhaps even an episode of The Hills.  Yes this sucks, but if the game is that important and you are too big of a pansy to just watch it, then this might be the only solution.  Pansy.  

Number 5.)  Pretend to go outside to water the plants.  But instead RUN, don’t walk, to the nearest sports bar.  Enjoy your game while sampling pitchers of beer.  Sidenote: you are going to have to fake a mugging after your game is over.  If you cannot physically harm yourself then just pinch the guy next to you in the bar and tell him you are looking forward to getting Brokeback with him.  That should do the trick.  If he does say yes then you have a much bigger set of issues to deal with.  Don’t call me.

OK, that’s it.  Enjoy the games.  Be strong fellas. 

Baron Davis has started the Fear The Beard campaign promoting fans in the Bay Area to grow their beards in support of the Warriors. Quick Footnote: my lack of facial hair growth precludes me from participating in said event. But that’s neither here nor there.

So it got me thinking, what other promotions could Professional Athletes advocate around the league? And here is the fruit of my labor:

Matt Leinart could sponsor Sorority Wet T-shirt Contest Night (it’s called Tuesdays at his house).

Kobe Bryant could promote the Buy-Your-Wife-Huge-Adultery-Diamonds Campaign. Based on statistical data there should be plenty of guys needing to get into this one. 

Carmelo Anthony can start the new NBA Cares message promoting drunk driving. It’s not SO bad after all is it? The catch on this one is to make sure and only do it at the most important moments of your professional career. Like during the Playoffs or the night before your big presentation. Also let the police know that you are following the lead of your boy Melo (by showing your bar stamps on your hand) and they will for sure do you a solid too.

Pacman Jones could start the strip-club of the week special. Just bring your sticky ticket stubs to the games and get twenty one dollar bills from Pacman himself. 

Jeff Van Gundy could support a “Be Jeff! Night” where fans shave the top of their head, don’t sleep for a week, and grimace like they have an ulcer all the time. Should be fun.

The Cincinnati Reds could do a throwback game honoring Pete Rose where all the patrons are given randomly selected parlay bets on the outcomes of MLB games that night. Papa needs a new pair of shoes!

Green Bay Packer Fans could wear cheese-hats, oh wait…

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You’re telling me. Andy Roddick may have just had one of the best weeks in the history of mankind. He picked up a new BFF (you might have heard of him, Terrell Owens) and an engagement to Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Brooklyn Decker. Damn him. Oh yeah, he also beat Roger Federer (who HASN’T this year) for the first time in the past 11 tries. Yadda yadda yadda. That losing streak covers like 10 years.  Roddick has now officially completed everything on his Bucket List.  Anyways, here’s another picture for you to enjoy. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

In related news, Federer greatly regretting doing that Gillette Ad Campaign with buddy Tiger Woods. Many analysts have pointed to the gayness of these commercials having lead to his recent fall in the tennis rankings. He has yet to win a tournament this year.

You know you have all thought about it before. Every time the Discovery Channel runs a special on gorillas and their uncanny ability to reason like humans, you think it. It was only a matter of time. And now baseball marks the beginning of the end. Animals have made up their mind, putting their respective talons/paws into the circle of sporting events…

As if baseball needed to add more fuel to the Red Sox vs. Yankees rivalry (all the media outlets do more than enough already), now we have Mother Nature weighing in on the discussion. Yes, apparently the red-tailed Hawks of the world are pulling for the Sox. Which side the always cantankerous Sea Otters will fall has yet to be determined. But what is known is the fact that if you are named anything remotely close to Alex Rodriguez, steer clear of Fenway. 13 year old Alexa Rodriguez (no relation) was taking a tour of Boston’s Ballpark today when she was abruptly attacked by a hawk. Coincidence? I think not.

The only the logical conclusion is that the Boston Grounds Crew has been training this Hawk to attack anytime Alex Rodriguez enters the ballpark. Much like Derek Zoolander and the song Relax, this bird has been preconditioned to strike whenever the code word is spoken. Obviously the Hawk mistook Alexa for pretty boy Yankee third baseman and primary target Alex Rodriguez.

But this does pose the question; how many teams are employing animal services in their tactics to win titles? We already know the U.S. armed forces utilizes the skills of dolphins in complicated underwater bomb-defusing operations. And of course the power of dolphins in sporting events is well-documented by Snowflake in Ace Ventura. If I had to guess the percentage of teams using animal espionage I would say it is at least 82%. Some might say that is too low, but my gut says this is just as commonplace as Jose Canseco injecting dudes in the butt. It happens a lot.

All you have to do is look at the MLB Postseason las year, or as I like to call it When Flies Attack! Yankees were playing in Cleveland with Joba Chamberlain on the mound pitching well when all of a sudden things changed dramatically. Cleveland released their secret weapon. Flies swarmed Yankee players causing millions of people to feel really itchy. And most importantly resulting in Joba throwing wild pitch after wild pitch costing the Yankees the game. Nature always wins my friends.  Think about it. 

Please allow me an absurd analogy. After all, that’s what I do. The NBA ’07-’08 Playoff season is just like the Presidential Primary season this year. The Western Conference is clearly the Democratic Party while the Eastern Conference represents the GOP. The West is loaded with talent (Clinton and Obama) while the East is old and boring (McCain). The West will undoubtedly beat each other up on the road to the finals weakening its prospects in the BIG game. The East’s strategy: get one solid team to represent them and let them cruise into the finals. Much akin to the Republican’s campaign machine built on personal attacks and fear mongering (remember the melee at the palace- that’s all East baby).

The winner out of the West will probably come down to some crazy ruling by David Stern like suspending Amare Stoudemire for stepping on the court last year in the Conference Finals during the Nash/Horry altercation. David Stern clearly represents the Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean in this analogy. All too ready to muck up the primaries with rulings in Florida and Michigan. In the end, if the East winner takes the ultimate prize then there will be mass revolutions and rioting in the world. And confirmation that the few with great power and money have more say and influence than the majority. Yaaaay democracy!

Selection Sunday had more than just your typical surprise snubs this year. It also included a major fall of one of the largest U.S. financial institutions; Bear Stearns. It appears that the Company was not happy about the tournament seedings and decided to lose all its money. The CEO strongly disagreed with the selection committee’s decision to not include his alma mater Yale University. He thought it was a sure bet. Literally. He was, of course, wrong. Just like taking on billions of dollars of sub-prime home loans made on overvalued houses to under-qualified buyers. Guess that one didn’t work out so well either.  

No one has seen a plummet this big since the Mets last season. It’s left people yelling "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" And not in a funny Jerry Maguire kinda-way.

Being a dedicated sports journalist, I was on the scene in Anaheim to bring you the freshest analysis of the UCLA and Stanford second round NCAA Tourney wins. Here are the major observations from the day:

1. Beer and Pistachios make for great pre-game meal
2. The Lopez twins are big
3. Texas A&M has some crazy elaborate and very distracting male cheerleader routines (trust me, don’t ask)
4. Big West Refs are terrible
5. Someone sitting in our section has some serious gas issues- could be my brother
6. People are annoying, especially dude sitting in front of us who insists on talking to anyone who’ll listen (or not) about how he knows the game. He doesn’t. Feel sorry for his kid.
7. Stanford Band Leader rocks! She blows away the competition with her suspenders and dance moves. The big hand props are gold!
8. Kevin Love is good
9. Darren Collison is fast
10. Hugging strangers is only acceptable in a few situations; one of which is in celebration of a fellow sports team’s amazing victory. The Honda Center was pumping!

After the Bruin Game, Kevin Love said "we won this game because of the fans, especially Uncle Rico and his brother." Literally, he said that. Or figuratively. The point is he was right. K Love correctly gave props to us for that win. We deserved it. Duh. Which brings me to my point; the 6th man in basketball is the most powerful in all sports. If you don’t believe ME, then listen to this highly-technical analysis from our resident Doctor with a real Ph. D. and everything; Dr. Smith:

"Fact: fans play a larger role in basketball than really any other team sport. It’s simple if you think about it. In football fans are the 12th man, same in soccer, but in basketball the fans are the sixth man, which makes a lot more of a difference. Six is 20% more than 5 while twelve is only 9% more than eleven. That is the reason that golf fans have to be quiet - because 2 on 1 is really unfair."

It’s SCIENCE.