The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Miami Heat will play several preseason games in Europe next October, in order to show foreign fans that absolutely anyone can play professional basketball. Miami fans are hoping that the team stays there.

Former NBA player Isaiah Rider must appear in court next month after being arrested for driving a stolen car. It’s the best thing to happen to someone named Isaiah all season.

The Dallas Cowboys are continuing to pursue Pacman Jones. Their latest offer includes a seventh round draft pick, a player to be named later, and thousands of tiny power pellets.

And injured Brewers pitcher Chris Capuano has decided to opt for rehab over surgery. It’s either that or play for the Brewers.

Two cheetahs were captured in Florida after attacking the owner of a wildlife sanctuary. When he heard that two Florida cheetahs were put behind bars, Bobby Bowden instinctively posted bail.

New Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez is emphasizing that he’ll run a family program. We imagine it will be something like the Menendez family.

Pacman Jones is closer to signing with Dallas. He’s so close, the Cowboys cheerleaders are now wearing raincoats.

Minnesota Twins fans are preparing for yet another disappointing season after briefly flirting with success. These Twins have failed so many times, they may change their name to the Minnesota Mary Kate and Ashley Olsens.

And over 115,000 people watched a Red Sox/Dodgers exhibition game at the L.A. Coliseum. In order to see that kind of attendance again, the Dodgers will play their next home game in Paris Hilton’s bedroom.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Jose Canseco has just completed his second book, making him the only man in the world to have written two books and read none. The book is tentatively titled, “In Case You Don’t Hate Me Yet.”

Celebrity chef Paul Prudhomme was grazed by a stray bullet at a Louisiana golf event. The shooter was aiming at someone in Texas.

The Seattle SuperSonics’ move to Oklahoma City is closer to being finalized. The Sonics look forward to going from a sub-par team in Seattle to a sub-par team in Oklahoma City.

And Kansas State basketball coach Frank Martin says that he suspects Michael Beasley will head into the NBA draft. It’s less about the millions of dollars he stands to earn and more about the ability to get out of Kansas.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Andy Pettitte will miss his first scheduled start of the regular season because of back spasms. Possibly because of that monkey he’d been carrying around for 8 years.

The Oakland A’s ended their Japan series with a 5-1 victory over the Red Sox. The A’s were happy with the win, though depressed that there are more A’s fans in Japan than there are in Oakland.

The Chicago Cubs have named Kerry Wood their official closer. That way the twenty innings he pitches before he gets injured will be a bit more spread out.

A slick new Speedo swimsuit that has led to 12 world records this year will be examined by swimming’s world governing body. A bathing suit hasn’t attracted this much attention since Heidi Klum.

And the Montreal Canadiens clinched a playoff spot with a 7-5 win over the Ottawa Senators. The news comes as a surprise to many people who didn’t realize the NHL lockout was over.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Barry Bonds’ agent said that it would take Bonds just two weeks to prepare, should any team sign him. One week to work on his timing, and one week to find a hat that fits.

Texas shortstop Michael Young had his house egged by his teammates as part of a Spring Training prank. Since it was the Rangers, most of the eggs missed.

The AA Huntsville Stars have offered Roger Clemens a contract to become the team’s mascot. The Stars want to save money by not purchasing an oversized head.

The NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay. In related news, the NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay.

And a new poll has found that more New Yorkers are fans of the Red Sox then they are of the Knicks. It’s hardly surprising considering that the Red Sox are clearly the better basketball team.

Pacers forward Mike Dunleavy told reporters that his father is his biggest fan. We are still searching for his second biggest fan.

The WWE has suspended wrestler Afa Anoai for violating their drug and steroid policy. By not taking them.

George Washington and St. Joseph’s played a game at the Washington Nationals’ new stadium. It will be the best baseball played there all season.

And Brian McNamee fainted while driving and crashed his car head-on into a city bus. Luckily, McNamee knows where to get painkillers. Ironically, the incident hurt less than sitting through a senate hearing.

The New York Knicks may replace Isiah Thomas with recently unemployed Donnie Walsh of the Indiana Pacers. Which will fix everything. It’s such a bad move that the Knicks would be better off with Donnie Wahlberg.

Cincinnati welcomed the opera to town. Then they realized it was just Chad Johnson saying, “me-me-me-me-me”.

And Vanderbilt unexpectedly lost to Sienna in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. In related news, Vanderbilt alum and Sports Minute writer Keith Alberstadt is selling a television with a hole in the screen. Keith, have heart. Your basketball team may have lost and your bracket may be busted, but there’s always football season. Oh. Nevermind.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Sacramento Kings owners Joe and Gavin Maloof will give away a suitcase full of their own cash on an upcoming episode of Oprah’s Big Give. It’s the brother’s biggest act of charity since signing Vitaly Potapenko.

After getting their first victory of this month, Miami Heat coach Pat Riley said that Jason Williams and Chris Quinn could match up to Hall of Famers Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. In fairness, West and Goodrich are in their 60s.

A new study has found that HGH may worsen athletic performance. In fairness to the drug, the study focused mostly upon the Kansas City Royals.

And German billiards champion Axel Buescher has been suspended for one year after testing positive for a banned substance. Wow. That’s as likely as any of you knowing who Axel Buescher is. Turns out, Buescher was caught with an 8-ball.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

MARCH MADNESS EDITION!

March Madness is officially upon us. It’s a fantastic time of year where offices everywhere get to find out who is the best at analyzing dumb luck.

After a tornado took place during their victory last week, Georgia is trying to recreate their luck by holding practice in a trailer park.

Of the four #1 seeds, UNC is the only one to graduate more than half its players. Turns out Memphis doesn’t give degrees for missed free throws.

And even though a number one seed has never lost a first round game, 1% of ESPN users still picked Portland State over Kansas. Dennis Kucinich has a better chance of winning. Actually, 1% is also the number of those who voted for Kucinich.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

March Madness is heating up. Dick Vitale’s voice is already making those Head On commercials seem tolerable.

The Heat’s Pat Riley was named the coach that players would least like to suit up for. Players all wanted to dress for Isiah Thomas, since they know how he treats employees that wear anything revealing.

Pacers owner Herb Simon announced “things are gonna change.” And by “things” Simon means “season-ticket holders.”

Calvin Klein has offered Tom Brady a deal to appear in a high profile underwear campaign. Odd, everyone already has photos of Brady being undressed by the Giants’ defense.

And Samuel Peter won the WBC Heavyweight title in Cancun. It was the first time in Cancun that the phrase “body shots” was used outside of a bar.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Former NBA star Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. It could be the first time a basketball player wins anything in Sacramento.

Knicks guard Stephon Marbury made an unexpected visit to Madison Square Garden last week. And we thought he’d chant “Fire Isiah” from home. It was the first time all season that Marbury’s presence at the Garden wasn’t directly responsible for their loss.

In football, Terrell Suggs filed a grievance against the Baltimore Ravens over whether he should be classified as a defensive end or a linebacker. QB Rex Grossman has filed a similar grievance against Chicago over whether he should be classified as a liability or a lost cause.

And USC recruit Maurice Simmons has been arrested on suspicion of robbery. He might end up not playing for the Trojans this year, and instead going straight to the Cincinnati Bengals.

The Atlanta Hawks won the NBA’s first replay since 1983 by downing the Miami Heat in a game that lasted just 51.9 seconds. Somehow Miami fans still had time to boo.

Wisconsin residents are still reeling from Brett Favre’s retirement. The only thing worse would be if they had to go to a Bucks game. Favre replacement Aaron Rodgers called Shaquille O’Neal over the weekend. For advice on filling big shoes.

And turns out Warren Sapp announced his retirement on the same day as Brett Favre. Both of Sapp’s fans were crushed. Of course, that could have just happened when he hugged them.

Miami Heat coach Pat Riley may miss several games with the team to scout NCAA draft prospects. It will be nice for Riley to finally see some quality basketball.

Miami’s Dwyane Wade will miss the rest of the season to rehab his knee. He was not available for comment because he was too busy celebrating. The Miami Heat are so bad, Will Ferrell just made a movie about them.

An animal rights organization has organized a letter-writing campaign protesting Sports Illustrated’s use of a chimpanzee in their annual Swimsuit Issue. And we thought the hairy knuckle dragger was just Roger Clemens.

And 60-year-old actor Billy Crystal will play for the New York Yankees in Thursday’s exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Crystal looks forward to meeting his boyhood idol - Roger Clemens.

Warrick Dunn has expressed interest in playing for the Dallas Cowboys. Dunn is a perfect fit, as his name describes their recent playoff history.

Former Phillies reliever Mitch Williams was tossed out of his daughter’s fifth grade basketball game for hurling insults at a female referee. It’s the first time in memory that anything Williams hurled actually hit its target.

Nolan Ryan said that Major League Baseball ignored the problem with steroids. If Ryan were in charge, he would have treated the issue like Robin Ventura’s face in a headlock.

Muhammad Ali was spotted at a recent Phoenix Suns basketball game. Or maybe it was a giant bobblehead doll.

And an Oregon urology clinic is offering a special deal on vasectomies to coincide with March Madness. So even if your team doesn’t make the cut, you still can.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Chicago pitcher Ryan Dempster has predicted the Cubs will win the World Series. Major League Baseball is now testing him for drug use.

Isiah Thomas is trying to deal injured point guard Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately, the only person dumb enough to trade for Marbury is Isiah Thomas.

Steve Nash will play in a pair of Nike basketball shoes made from waste materials. Stephon Marbury should have pioneered the project, since he’s been playing like garbage for years.

The Houston Rockets will unveil a monument honoring former star Hakeem Olajuwon. The statue is slightly more mobile than Shaquille O’Neal.

The British Olympic Association may supply its athletes at the Beijing Olympics with facemasks to counter both pollution and their teeth.

LSU quarterback Ryan Perrilloux was suspended “indefinitely” for undisclosed rules violations. “Indefinitely” is Cajun for “until the first game.”

Florida State put itself on a two-year probation because of a massive cheating scandal. The cheating was so bad, the football team bought a diamond ring for Kobe Bryant’s wife.

Veteran punter Jeff Feagles signed a two-year contract with the New York Giants. The franchise is thrilled to retain their original punter.

The Chicago Bears released Muhsin Muhammed. George Bush thanked the team for helping stamp out terrorism.

And thousands of shirts wrongly proclaiming the Patriots to be Super Bowl champs were delivered to children in Nicaragua. The kids hadn’t seen shirts like that since they made them.

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The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Nolan Ryan has agreed to become the Texas Rangers’ new president, making him the best pitcher in the organization.

Brian McNamee promised he can prove that Roger Clemens took steroids because he has several old syringes and bloody gauze. If true, the items will prove both Clemens’ guilt and McNamee’s creepiness. Thankfully, McNamee had saved them as a Valentine’s Day gift for Amy Winehouse.

Pirates right-hander Tony Armas has agreed to a minor league contract with the New York Mets, because the minor leagues are a step up.

Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni defended trading Pau Gasol to the Lakers, saying it was best for the team. He’s right, assuming that team is the Lakers.

Isiah Thomas is reportedly trying to trade for badly injured forward Jermaine O’Neal. Thomas’ next acquisition will be Len Bias.

Mike Tyson and Junior Seau were spotted at a trendy Las Vegas restaurant recently. Seau had the filet mignon while Tyson dined on Lennox Lewis’s children.

Carlos Quintana upset previously unbeaten Paul Williams for the welterweight title in Temecula, California. That’s the first fight a latino had won in southern California since moments earlier in the parking lot.

The Steelers are keeping the natural grass surface at Heinz Field, so their offensive line has something to graze on.

And the NFC beat the AFC in the Pro Bowl. But with the ratings as low as they were, we could be making that up.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com