Sheriff Shaq is now just Shaq. At least in Maricopa County, Arizona. Sheriff Joe Arpaio was not pleased with Shaq’s freestyle rap in the Big Apple the other night. Arpaio is famous for his unorthodox style of running Maricopa County’s prison, including making inmates wear pink jumpsuits. Shaq, meanwhile, is not famous for his freestyle technique. Arpaio said he wants Shaq’s “special badges” back because the rap, aimed at Kobe Bryant, contained a racial slur. Arpaio recently fired a cadet in the Sheriff’s Training Program for using the same word. Sheriff Shaq was not known to spend too much time fighting crime in Arizona, but what little time he did dedicate to the endeavor is now free to practice rapping, or free-throws… or neither.

We are all aware of the studious off-the-field antics of Adam “Pac-man” Jones. The lovable character who brought us such favorites as “Strip-Club Shooting” and “Troubled NFL Star Turned Professional Wrestler”. Well, according to the NFL Network, our favorite degenerate cornerback will publically request that he be known from here on out simply as Adam Jones. Apparently, he believes dropping his nickname of “Pac-man” will make people take him more seriously. Perhaps he pondered acting like a responsible adult to attain public admiration, but in the end, decided dropping his moniker would be easier. He is the latest in a long line of NFL stars to drop their video-game related nicknames, following in the footsteps of such greats as Billy “Galaga” Thomas, Joey “Duck Hunt” Morris, and Sammy “Pong” Wilson.

The New Orleans Saints are entertaining a special guest this week. That guest is former Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander. You know, the guy who was released after two, disappointing, injury-plagued seasons. The reason for the visit is interesting. You see, the Saints are looking to find a veteran, between-the-tackles guy in case something else happens to Deuce McCallister. Yes, the running back who has suffered through… two, disappointing, injury-plagued seasons. This approach is essentially like breaking your left leg and deciding the best way to ease the pain is by breaking your right one. The Saints currently have six running backs and three fullbacks on the roster. Second year running back Pierre Thomas proved last year that he could be a solid go-to guy. Should Deuce go down again, what good will a second gimp be? Where’s Quentin Tarantino when you need him…

Brazilian soccer sensation Ronaldo was implicated in a scandal involving cross-dressing prostitutes this week. To his credit, he claimed he did not know they were male until he got them back to his hotel room. Slick. He may be an ace at locating a goal-scoring chance, but apparently locating an Adam’s apple is not one of his strongpoints. He is not being charged with a crime, as prostitution is legal in Brazil. He is, however, in hiding, having canceled several tv appearances after news of the scandal broke. The hotel manager has stated that Ronaldo was seen dressed, and apparently sober, trying to get the hookers to leave after he realized they were men. The he-she’s apparently did not want to leave because Ronaldo had not paid them for their time. One of the call-boys apparently walked into the middle of the street in front of the hotel screaming, “The Phenomenon did not want to pay!” Slick. Guess Ronaldo needs to learn that even male prostitutes like to be paid.  

On Tuesday, Daytona 500 winner Ryan Newman was penalized by NASCAR and docked 25 points in the points standings… whatever that means. Anyway, apparently his car failed inspections after the recent race at Texas Motor Speedway. Inspectors found that his car was, “Too high”. This came as a shock, as usually this is why football players get penalized, and not race cars. In an exclusive interview with Newman’s inner monologue, I was told that his crewmen were “too dumb” to accurately measure the car, and that the inspectors were “too gay”. In a bout of rage that cut the interview short, I was told no one gives a damn and that most NASCAR fans would be “too drunk” to care. Harsh words inner monologue, harsh words…

On Monday, New Orleans Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis announced that the team had signed veteran cornerback Aaron Glenn. Glenn, an unrestricted free agent from the Jacksonville Jaguars, was a top-five cornerback last year, putting up solid numbers. Saints fans were mystified by the signing, as they are widely confused as to just what a cornerback is supposed to do. Having been a Saints’ fan my whole life, I know that former Saints cornerbacks have been known to stand in the backfield, bewildered by the large men running past them, but beyond that, the term “defensive back” doesn’t mean much to me. I have been told that these players are supposed to deflect passes and even try to catch some themselves, before attempting to run the other way. This is a very foreign concept in the Big Easy, so it might take some getting used to. Someone will have to tell Jason David what this “cornerback” position is all about, otherwise he might continue to look like a total buffoon.

It was reported this week that former N’SYNC member Justin Timberlake will host the 16^th Annual ESPY Awards on ESPN on July 20^th. The former mouseketeer will emcee the festivities live from the Nokia Theatre. Yeah, makes sense, because when I think manliness and sports, I think Justin Timberlake. What, was Richard Simmons busy? Come on! Justin Timberlake wouldn’t know a football if you shoved it up his ass. The only balls he’s familiar with are attached to the coinpurses of fellow boybanders. I know everyone is paranoid because of doping allegations, but let’s be real, if there is one awards show where testosterone is encouraged, it’s the ESPY’s! I’ll give you one Justin Timberlake for a Lou Ferrigno and a Little Hercules… something, anything.

Tonight, Ric Flair retired from professional wrestling after a career spanning over 30 years. While I haven’t watched wrasslin’ in over a decade, Flair was always a preeminent character in a landscape where personality ruled. No one did it better. So, while the blonde hair and the glittery robes may be a thing of the past, let us hail “The Nature Boy” for his contributions to sports entertainment… and for giving grown men an excuse to parade around in spandex. Suck on that Bon Jovi!

Fast food is a bitch. Just ask Denver Bronco’s wide receiver Brandon Marshall. Over the weekend, after downing some Mickey D’s, Marshall slipped on a burger wrapper and injured his arm. After stepping on the wrapper, Marshall apparently tried to stop the slide by grabbing hold of a nearby entertainment center. As would be suspected from a Broncos’ wideout, Marshall missed, and sent his hand and arm THROUGH the entertainment center’s glass front. Nice. In a text message sent to NFL.com on Monday, Marshall stated, "So for the next couple of days, I’m going to take the time to build my confidence back up after allowing that McDonald’s bag to take me down and send me through the entertainment center." Maybe some DB’s around the league should take notice, don’t waste your time trying to run with the guy, just have a Big Mac before 3^rd and long, and you’re golden… golden arches that is.

Today, Kansas State coach Frank Martin lead his team to victory over the favored University of Southern California. Halfway through the second half, he also demonstrated the correct way to fellate a partner. Should Kansas State lose in the second round to Wisconsin, this info may come in handy. Though USC lost, famed alum George Lucas vowed to get his staff to re-edit the game using C.G.I. and change the outcome. No word yet as to whether or not the fellatio lesson will be released as a special feature. I hear that’s big in Japan.