Remember in elementary school when you used to pick on the girls who wouldn’t play sports at recess.

"What are you, afraid you’re gonna break a nail?"

Apparantly, even in Major League Baseball, breaking a fingernail is reason enough not to play.

The Red Sox placed rookie pitcher Clay Buchholz on the 15-day DL due to a broken nail on his right middle finger.

Calls to his manicurist were not returned.

Boston is confident that Buchholz’s cuticles will heal properly and that he won’t need Tammy Jane surgery.

Arizona Diamondbacks rookie Max Scherzer had a superheroic MLB debut, striking out seven batters in 4.1 perfect innings of releif.

But what gets me about Scherzer is his two different colored eyes- a condition called heterochromia.

The name Max Scherzer doesn’t scream BASEBALL PLAYER, but it does suggest nerdy doctor or something of the sort. So I can only envision Max Scherzer being a nerdy doctor, who discovers some medicine and he turns into a superhero hurler with two different colored irises and the name "Heterochromia."

Tell me you wouldn’t read that comic book featuring that guy above and that ridiculous story I just suggested. And watch "Heterochromia" in his first game as a starter, Monday against the Phillies.

Five students from Bryant University in Rhode Island played dodgeball on Jan. 12, using the equator as a dividing line between the two sides.

It was northern hemisphere vs. southern hemisphere in this epic battle, which ended after just 10 seconds because of an "equatorial line infraction."

The game is hot in the news now because of its Guiness World Record implications.

Apparantly, the folks at Guiness weren’t impressed, and refused to give the kids from Bryant a spot in the record books for their cross the globe game.

No word yet on if Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn are working on a sequel (Dodgeball:Ecaudor) to their hit 2004 movie.

In my last post I mocked the Rockies and Padres for their offensive inadequacies during their 22-inning game Thursday night.

About an hour later, I caught wind of this story.

The head coach of the losing team should be banned from life after allowing his pitcher to throw 250 pitches in less than two innings. THE GUY GAVE UP 66 RUNS! Imagine what that did for his ERA.

And his WHIP must be through the roof. Good thing I don’t have this guy in the Japanese High School Fantasy Baseball league I have with my friends. This performance would just about ruin my team’s season.

While everyone is amazed that the Padres and Rockies played 22 innings of baseball last night (into this morning) I’m more baffled that it took the teams 14 innings to finally score.

The Red Sox and Yankees combined for 20 runs in the first five innings of the game played Wednesday, but these two NL West incompetents couldn’t push ONE F!@#$%& run across the board until inning 14?

Here’s a list of things I could do while waiting for the Padres and Rockies to score…

-Watch the Godfather trilogy.

-Read War and Peace.

-Party with Carmelo Anthony, sober up, and then drive home.

-Age two years a la Miguel Tejada.

-Watch the first round of the infamously drawn-out NFL draft and then grab a sandwich.

-Convince myself that hockey is a better sport than baseball because at least in the regular season, games end.

-Drive from my apartment in Maryland all the way to San Diego to watch the game’s finish.

-Take enough steroids that I could hit a walkoff homerun to end this crummy game.

-Get a good night’s sleep. Acttually that’s what I did. And surprisingly enough, the excitement from the opposite side of the country never woke me up.

Russian tennis player Mikhail Youzhny was upset about hitting the ball into the net and losing the point after a long rally. So Youzhny "Youzhed-head" by slamming his racket against his skull, drawing blood and forcing the match to be put on hold while he got cleaned up.

Apparantly the tantrum worked. Youzhny edned up defeating Nicolas Almagro 7-6 (6-4) 3-6 7-6 (6-4). No report has been made about the racket’s well-being.

I follow the NBA pretty closely and I know that the Miami Heat absolutely (something you’d do to a lollipop.) But I had no idea just how bad it’s gotten until I was looking at their box score from a game against the Celtics Sunday.

D-Wade, Mourning, Marion, White Chocolate, Daequan Cook, Haslem, Marcus Banks, and Dorrell Wright all didn’t play due to injury, leaving the Heat a lineup of players that only die-hard NBA fans have ever heard of.

PG Chris Quinn

SG- Ricky Davis

SF- Kasib Powell

PF- Earl Barron

C- Mark Blount

And getting significant minutes off the bench were Joel Anhony, Stephane Lasme, and Blake Ahearn–all rookies who you’ve only heard of if you watched a significant amount of college basketball last year. (Or if you’re a member of one of their families.)

Saying that this team is bad, is like saying that Pat Riley uses "a little bit of hair gel."

After their not-so-surprising 62-point output agianst the best defense in the NBA, the Heat should be demoted to the NBDL right now. Don’t wait until the end of the season, and don’t wait until Wade is healthy, David Stern should just demote them tomorrow, so they can play against equal competition.

I’m sure that even the Bakersfield Jam could have their way with this current Heat squad. They are truly pathetic. Forget the lottery and just hand the Heat their choice of Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose. In fact, just give the Heat both players, and add in Brook Lopez just to even things up around the league.

When the stars of your team are Mark Blount and RIcky Davis (seen here with the Timberwolves,) you are 17 steps past being in deep trouble.

I can’t decide which aspect of Saturday’s Dodgers/Red Sox bout at Los Angeles Coliseum is more absurd: the fact that 115,300 people wasted their time at an exhibition baseball game or the fact that the distance from home plate to the lef t field foul pole was 201 feet.

The Little League World Series has fences 225 feet away, for gods sake. Dodgers manager Joe Torre used five infielders at a time to combat the field’s peculiar dimensions.

As a Red Sox fan, I don’t know if I should be encouraged that Kevins Cash and Youkilis hit home runs or discouraged that the balls they hit were probably routine fly outs.

The answer is neither. Because it was an exhibition game. So who cares? And why do 115,300 people in the Los Angeles area care?

Real baseball resumes tonight in Washington. I’m guessing both the attendance figure and the distance to the wall at  spankin’ new Nationals Park are both a bit more realistic.

You thought Baron Davis was a good point guard, wait ’til you see him skate. Or dance. Or whatever the hell he’s doing in this amazing video.

You know how video games create fake rookies in the offseason of franchise modes; when they use name generators taking common names and names of already existing players and come up with random gems like Jamal Ming.

 Well the NCAA Tournament has some interesting names that look awfully generated. And some that no random generator could ever think of. (Wquinton???) I searched the rosters of all 64 teams to find the best, fakest, and most head-scratching names of the tournament.

Here is the All Name Team:

De’Jon Jackson- San Diego:  Is that like Honey De’Jon?

 
LaceDarius Dunn- Baylor: Never seen "Lace" as a prefix for a name before.


Delbert Simpson- Baylor: Sounds like the nerd in elementary school who wore a pocket protector and could recite the periodic table of elements. Yet this guy is presumably a jock, so what do I know?

 
Idris Hilliard- Saint Joseph’s: Classic Madden fake name combining Idris Bashir and Ike Hilliard.

 
Tron Smith- Saint Mary’s: A ridiculous first name always sounds so much better when it precedes something so pedestrian like Smith. But not even Tron can be the best Smith…

 
Wquinton Smith- Wisconsin:  I ask again, Wquinton??? Wquinton??? How is that combination of letters possible? Is the "W" really necessary? Wquinton???

 
Diamon Simpson- Saint Mary’s: Did his parents forget the "d" on diamond, or was it supposed to be that way?

 
Max Paulhus Gosselin- Davidson: Reminds me too much of Saved By the Bell’s Mark Paul Gosselaar not to make the list

 
Can Civi- Davidson: I don’t know, can he?

 
Rockwell Moody- Saint Joseph’s:  I was shocked to learn that this guy isn’t some kind of a tycoon who owns an estate and ski lodge in Vermont.

 
Dubois Williams- Saint Mary’s:  Probably an homage to W.E.B. Dubois. I think it would be cooler if he pronounced it Du-Bwah though.

 
Desire Gabou- Western Kentucky: First name sounds like a porn star. Second name sounds like, well, nothing I’ve ever heard of.

Other Favorites:

Chance McGrady- Memphis

Fernandez Lockett- Austin Peay

Gyno Pomare- San Diego

Dionte Christmas- Temple

Taj McCullough- Winthrop

Morakinyo Williams- Kentucky

Marcio Lassiter- Cal State Fullerton

LeKendric Longmire- Oregon

Churchill Odia- Oregon

Darshawn McClellan- Vanderbilt

Dau Jok- Oklahoma

Beau Gerber- Oklahoma

Wink Adams- UNLV

Haminn Quaintance- Kent State

Ravern Johnson- Mississippi St.

Kodi Augustus- Mississippi St.

Charoy Bentley- Saint Joseph’s

E’Twaun Moore- Purdue

RouSean Cromwell- USC

Duke Crews- Tennessee

Daon Merritt- South Alabama

(My idol Wquentin below)