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As most of you know, Maya Angelou and I tend run in the same circles. We are both North Carolina poets and wordsmiths. We are both held in the highest regards by other esteemed writers and laureates from throughout this great country. From the President of the United States all the way down to the drunken hobos that live behind the Sunoco down the street from my house.
In order to fully prepare for the upcoming NFL season, I asked her to write a few words about the fate of a few of the teams. And here, you lucky Lampoon readers, are her predictions for the 2009-10 NFL Season,
The Cowboys
Romo-thou art not a failure
Fumbulicious, maybe still
Play-offs still haunt your dreams
No longer necessary on special teams Read More
Many people often ask me, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Well, there are a myriad of answers to that particular question. Possibly I didn’t get enough attention as a child, maybe it stems from never wearing a helmet while trying to jump my neighbor’s Volvo with my bike, but more times than not, I’ve simply been drinking. I don’t know. Some days I black out and wake up in strange places like Mt. Rushmore or Christmas Tree farms.
What’s my point?
Well National Lampoon gave me my own podcast called The Douche Reportand it’s now available on itunes. It’s like all my articles, but in talking form. See dear reader, I’m making it easier on you! You don’t even have to read anymore! I’ll do it for you! Isn’t America great! And it’s only 15 minutes long, so you don’t have to concentrate that long! Happy days are here again!
The Douche Report is great to listen to while driving to work, driving home from work, at work (no swearing in it), driving to a place you don’t work, on an airplane, in your meth lab, right before your band goes on at Chuck E Cheese, out in the yard while you pump iron with your cell mate, while holding up an ice cream truck, or on a bus that is unbeknownst to you, is going to a Christmas Tree farm, far from your place of work or residence.
This episode I make NASCAR better by introducing a new way of looking at driving. And that new way is PCP. The drug, not the Precision Castparts Corp.
Enjoy and subscribe!*
* podcast may cause nightblindness and feline diabetes
Golf is a pretty boring sport to watch. And even when playing with people you really enjoy spending time with, it can sometimes leave a player feeling empty inside. But, have you ever really listened to a golf commentator? A boring phrase can turn colorful and amusing if you just imagine that he may be describing something else…
Get long
I don’t have any idea where he was going with that one
Get. In. The. Hole.
Coming out of the rough hot and heavy
Be the right stick
Swallowed in the long grass
Bad choice of club for this hole location Read More
The biggest thing ruining professional sports isn’t greedy owners or greedy players, it’s quite simply the middleman. The sports agents are the people who are ruining sports. And the person that I feel we should all hold personally responsible for the insanity is the slimiest being this side of Ghostbusters. Sports agents are destroying the games we love. Feeding off the talent of others; people such as super-agent Scott Boras are slitting the throats of owners and fan bases for promises of greener pastures and more importantly for them, greener bank accounts.
The MLB Draft is fast approaching and this year’s story is power-pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg, who many feel super douche Scott Boras will make the Nationals (owners of the 1st pick) pay anywhere from $20-$50 million dollars for, by ignoring long standing MLB slotting rules and regulations.
Besides completely ruining the landscape of professional baseball, here are some other things that people might not know abut Scott Boras. These are like Chuck Norris facts, but with a 15% commission:
If literally smashing balls was a sport, Scott Boras would represent himself.
Scott Boras is the only sports agent that puts on rubber gloves and asks an owner to turn his head and cough during a contract negotiation.
Scott Boras once shot a baby out of a canon just to prove to Al Davis that Darren McFadden was “Faster than a baby shot out of a canon.” Read More
Adam Morrison, formerly of the Charlotte Bobcats, was traded this week to the Los Angeles Lakers. Other than being a complete and utter bust, Morrison is best known for bricking 3’s and his late 70’s era porn stache. Now, while his stache may have been the toast of the town in a place like Charlotte (only real competition is Dale Earnhardt impersonators), it’s going to have to work pretty damn hard to be the #1 mustache in Hollywood, CA.
Let’s look at some of Morrison’s mustache competition…
Magnum P.I. - A mustache so damn awesome that he doesn’t even need a cord for that phone
Burt Reynolds – A stache so cool, it has no problem outrunning Smokey and may keep you from being brutally sodomized by hillbillies
Ron Jeremy - A stache so promiscuous that it may well introduce you to said hillbillies
Last week, this video of Kurt Warner drawing his version of “God,” hit sports blogs all around the globe.
In the video we learn that not only are God and Jesus two different beings in his mind, but that it’s difficult for Kurt to discern them in his own drawings. Is it God or Jesus? Kurt doesn’t seem to be able to tell, but I asked some other NFL stars to draw their own versions of God and Heaven for this column. For better or for worse, this is how some football players interpret God.
New England WR Randy Moss drew this when asked to draw God
New England coach Bill Belichick drew this
Tony Romo drew Heaven…partially…
It looks good so far, but he had to quit early to get to a GQ cover shoot Read More
7:45 am - Ignore call from Giants.
8:15 am - Ignore call from Giants.
8:30 am- Ignore call from Giants while you take your son to school, even though he’s not even 2 yet.
8:32 am - Remind yourself to make up a better excuse next time.
9:00 am - Call drew Drew Rosenhaus and tell him you want a newer new contract.
9:08 - Find unregistered firearm. Decide to keep it. What’s the worst that could happen?
9:30 am - Run over playbook with Escalade.
9:45 am - Text New York Giants President John Mara and tell him that you are expecting a new contract.
9:46 am - Turn to Weather Channel when he inquires what the weather in hell is like.
10:00 am - Text Eli’s cell phone and say you’re with Dominoes and have 50 pizzas in the parking lot for a “Launchpad Macock.” (do this for the next 2 hours)
12:00 pm - Find that guy that does the Verizon commercials and his network. Wander around New Jeresy to find out where they won’t follow you. Mark these spots down for use in future alibi.
