You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.  Know when to fold ‘em.  Know when to walk away.  Know when to run because there’s grenades, armed gunmen, friggin’ rounds flying by like it’s ‘Nam (with Germans) and you’re in the shit and all you want is for this fat fuck to stop yapping so you can concentrate on trying to win some bread because it’s hard enough making a final table without a bunch of heavy shit going down and you better bolt before your cock gets blown off without getting Doyle Brunson’s autograph first (or something) …

That exact scenario unfolded at a hotel in Berlin on Saturday where a 1000-player, five-day European Poker Tour event was being held.

“Several masked, armed individuals entered the Grand Hyatt Hotel and fled with a haul of money,” German police spokeswoman Heidi Vogt said.

The robbers were armed with assault rifles and hand grenades, but no one was seriously injured during the attack.

“We didn’t know what was going on,” said Tobias Reinkemeier, a player in the field. “Then there was panic and everyone jumped underneath tables before they tried to escape through the emergency exit.”

The six assailants reportedly escaped with the tournament prize pool of $1.1 million. Despite losing the jackpot, the poker tournament continued four hours after the assault.

Finally, a caper worth writing about.  But, a lifelong lesson and poker strategy that’s been around since the famous books on how not to play Aces and Eights.

Are you a degenerate?  Did you bet the coin-flip for the Super Bowl?  Perhaps you wagered Ray Allen would make more free throws than Peyton Manning would throw touchdowns?  If the words, “Heads” and “Allen” ring a bell, you’re ready for some some super-hot curling tips before you click into the action.

Daddy likes the Swedish ladies over the Brits in what promises to be a classic battle of rocks sliding slowly across the ice at a target.  The Commies are set to destroy Denmark and take revenge after their bench clearing brawl in last year’s Curling championship.  Take the Russians.  Despite allegations of steroid abuse and mispronouncing the sport’s very name, the Chinese women are a solid bet at 4/7 and wowk well with bwooms.

That’s right folks…

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Did you watch the opening ceremonies last night?  Geez.  It was so bad,  Al Qaeda officially aborted all future terrorist plots against Canada.  The only folks truly pleased with last night’s debacle were the Poles — they’re off the hook from the butt of old-school retard jokes:

[T]he much-awaited surprise ending went awry. One huge piece of the set failed to rise from the stadium floor, and left one of the four final torchbearers, speedskater Catriona LeMay Doan, unable to use her torch.

Oh Canada.

I’m not really sure who the Canadian statesman above is flipping off.  But, the Olympic logo is prominent, a politico is shooting the bird, and that easily rises to the level of an internet headline.

It’s so cold in the D.*

*Yes.  This was a cheap trick to play the most awesome rap video of all time.  But, Detroit is a lot worse off than either The Jets or Vikings if you think about it.  Did I mention that Rex Ryan is fat?

**I like the Colts -3 1/2 for the opening line.

"Hey! Where's The Buffet?"

I’m not saying Rex Ryan is fat, I’m saying his chin is a scientific marvel and should be studied by astronomists to see what the gravitational pull is.  Rex Ryan’s chin is so big, Leno should have him on every night just to assure himself there’s someone else on the planet who can’t see from his chin down to his vagina.

That chin is awfully suspicious looking.   It’s an alien-like mass.  A foreign object existing outside the realm of nature as we understand it — like the Monolith in Kubrick’s 2001.  What do you think inspired shut-down cornerback Darrelle Revis?  Ryan’s chin.  It covers everything… except the prying eyes of this reporter.

Often I dabble in politics, and as The Jets get ready for The Colts today I kind of miss Lou Dobbs.  Ahhh…  The good ole days.  I can hear Dobbs now:  “Mark… Sanchez?  I’ve never seen his Green Card.   Have you?”  The immigration policies are some of the greatest farces facing this great nation and everyone knows it.  I for one will not idly stand by and witness the theft of the National Football League and destruction of The Untied States Of America as we know it.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Wake up White People!

Sanchez might be part of that crazy drug cartel Glenn Beck warns about.  The one from Mexico.  By way of Afghanistan.  The liberal media might try to spin this into some issue about race, but that’s not so.  The MSM can manipulate the masses all they want, but we cling to notions called “values.”   Maybe you’ve heard of ‘em?  Morals are at our core.  We are salt of the Earth people and real Americans.

Naturally, this leads us to a few important questions:  Does New York really want a drug dealing cartel of big-chinned terrorists without papers representing them in The Super Bowl?  Do you support radical Islamic fundamentalism springing from extra-terrestrial sources?  Are you an American?

Live Free Or Die — Suspend Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez.

***

Boo The Jets With Me On Twitter.  Let’s Go Colts!

(Via BuzzFeed)

Move over Balloon Boy!  Make way for Balloon Saggy Old Freak (who is aroused by the sensation of balloons bursting on his testicles and other nether-regions like most of us are).

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

If you’ve been keeping up with an obscure golfer named after a cat, you might have stumbled across some “stories” about the fellow.  Sure, most Puritans dominating the media censor your television sets and internet devices when it comes to Tiger Woods — you hardly hear a darn thing about him these days.

But, not here at Lampoon.  By golly, not when it comes to Tiger Woods. Because of our tradition to good-faith reporting, journalism, and commitment to integrity, I was able to procure an exclusive, future, reenactment of Tiger Woods’ video confession.  Painful, but honest.

We are fortunate to bring you real, live, expensive, CGI excellence.  One Mr. Woods made only for me to distribute to his “plebes” fans as I deem fit.  Tiger and I are umm… close.

He has our extraordinary gratitude:

Pay me Tiger, or I go public.

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Via Good For The Jews, GQ & No Mas)

In 1970, real baseball players didn’t use steroids or perfomance enhancing drugs like HGH — they popped Greenies and LSD to throw your average, run of the mill, no hitter.

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