Michael David Barrett, the guy who peephole recorded Erin Andrews in the nude, has been sentenced to 2 1/2 years in prison. He will spend that time forced to peephole record Chris Berman taking a dump.

There will be plenty of time to speculate on how to win your bracket, faced off against the guy with seventy different sheets and or the one who picks based on the pre-war slightly racist mascot (St. John’s isn’t in). But for now, let’s just talk about the beginning, crafting your final four.

Pick Duke and don’t pick Kansas.

The Jayhawks were the number one overall seed, and were rewarded with the most difficult bracket to deal with. The number two seed could have been a number one and features arguably the best player in the country in Evan Turner. The number three seed nearly won the Big East. The number four seed co-championed the ACC. The number five seed is coached by Tom Izzo.

The Blue Devils don’t have the same kind of talent that KU does, but get the following draw: Villanova, who has been falling apart as of late, Baylor, who finished third in a schizophrenic Big 12, and Purdue, who lost their best player and is playing with house money at this point. No one else is good.

And yes, it’s a conspiracy.

The most commonly heard phrase at DUI checkpoints is undoubtedly, “I swear I’ve never done this before.” Most cops, judges, and AA sponsors will agree that most people who get caught are driving while hammered quite routinely, setting up a glorious ‘matter-of-time- situation that those more religious than myself would call fate. The same is true of drug overdoses. If you follow the wise words of Dr. Drew Pinsky on one of his several hundred rehab shows, you’ll know the deaths of Brittany Murphy, Heath Ledger, and Len Bias were probably not their maiden forays into chemical fun-times.

Is the same true of rapists?

The Ben Roethlisberger story has implications so far reaching that it’s still too early to truly examine all of them. But we’ll start with what we already know.

Ben’s kind of an idiot, dense as lead to warning signs and close calls. We knew this after he smashed the hell out of his face after getting tossed off a motorcycle and he immediately said through tons of gauze, “I don’t think its as much of a risk as people make it out to be” and vowed to continue riding sans helmet. So it’s within his insane judgment to, Nevada accusations still fresh, put himself in a similar position. That’s the best case scenario. The worst case scenario is after getting nearly busted for rape (despite Harrah’s attempts to cover it up), he decided to rape somebody else.

If this is true, then it’s his second time. That sort of erases the “in a moment of weakness”/ “bad judgement” defenses reserved for one-time offenders. If guilty, Roethlisberger is a rapist. That’s what he does. Not a guy who made a mistake, but an honest, card-carrying sex offender who enjoys his craft.

The next element is his excuse, and it’s not a great one. He admitted sexual contact with his accuser. ‘There was sexual contact, but not intercourse.’ He apparently went to the Bill Clinton Memorial School of Innuendo. And then stated that the victim fell down and hit her head. He moonlighted at the Battered Wife From The 50s Academy for Poor Excuses and Needlepoint. He trotted out two Pittsburgh area police officers, who were not there in an official capacity but as friends and fellow partiers of Roethlisberger. While this may have worked as a character stunt, neither one of them saw or could recognize his accuser. But Ben already said there was some contact. So what’s the point of bringing up character witnesses who didn’t see something that has been confirmed as happening?

Finally, Roethlisberger has hired big shot defender Ed Garland, the same guy who famously defended Ray Lewis in the 2000 murder trial of the same name. Here’s the trick, you don’t hire a guy like Garland if you’ve done nothing wrong. Ray Lewis didn’t commit murder, but he was definitely there when two of his buddies did. Roethlisberger was alone in a bathroom with his accuser; how’s the third man defense going to work here, Martin Vale?

There aren’t charges yet, but Ben’s got a prominent defense attorney and ESPN, who steered clear of the previous allegation for fear of losing access to Roethlisberger as a spokesman and interviewee, is all over this as well. We won’t know for a while what actually happened, but Adam “Pacman” Jones was suspended from the league for far less than this, and he wasn’t charged either. Stay tuned, because one accusation wasn’t enough to stop Roethlisberger from cruising. Maybe he’ll go for the hat trick.

We’ve already established that the non-football related tests are about as useful as watching racehorses play checkers. But if there are any tests that do seem to hit, the Wonderlic is it. Especially for quarterbacks. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly anomalies, like Dan Marino’s famous 15. But for the most part, you can learn a lot about a QB’s cognitive abilities and relative calm under pressure.

So what happened this year?

The big story is that, of the four ‘big’ quarterbacks in the draft, Tim Tebow got the lowest. Now, maybe there was a question on there about whether life begins at conception and that threw him off a bit. He walked with a 22, which isn’t the Earth shattering score pundits are making it out to be. It’s not the Vince Young 6 (he still went third overall).

I think the most surprising part of the leaked scores is that Sam Bradford got a whopping 36, beating out Matt Ryan (32), Joe Flacco (27) and Mark Sanchez (27) as recent good scorers. Didn’t he go to Oklahoma? I thought Barry Switzer established the whole ‘no books but playbooks’ policy.

In the golden age of offensive football (constructed by the golden age of defensive penalties), the biggest debate at the top of the draft is between two defensive tackles: Gerald McCoy and Ndamukong Suh. A lot of draftniks (ESPN’s Todd McShay, CBS’s Chad Reuter, SI’s Don Banks) think McCoy is better. Everyone else thinks it’s a close race.

WHY?

Gregg Doyel of CBS is the only guy to point out how crazy this argument is. He cites stats (Suh’s 2009 totals are better than McCoy’s career numbers), the most glaring of which is that McCoy has 14 career sacks and Suh, considered to be the inferior pass rusher, had 12 this season. He had a quarter of McCoy’s CAREER sacks against Texas alone! He also brings up the argument that Suh was the entire defense for Nebraska and McCoy was surrounded by all Americans.

Me? I go back to the Eye Test.

When you see McCoy on film, you see the Sooner line break down the defensive line and McCoy wrapping up the ball carrier.

When you see Suh on film, you see a Scooby Doo Monster.

Clockwise from right: Colt McCoy, Jordan Shipley, Jerrod Johnson, Daniel Thomas, Sam Bradford, Ndamukong Suh

For those who can’t remember, a seminal plot point of every Doo was the part where Shaggy, Scooby, and the occasional rest of the gang run from the monster, who towers over them, arms outstretched. This sequence would often be interrupted with an image of the Gang in a band, the monster on drums. But anyway…

There are two other factors that are hindering the no-brainer-ness of this argument. The first is that many scouts are limited by comparison. What do you hear most often about guys in the draft? Eric Berry is the next Ed Reed. Sam Bradford is the next Matt Ryan. Gerald McCoy is the next Warren Sapp. There hasn’t been a Suh before. There wasn’t a LeBron either.

The other factor is that program prestige sometimes creeps into the conversation. Sure, Nebraska is a big time program, but it’s not Oklahoma. At least not these days. That’s where the insane logic of Jimmy Clausen comes in. The reason anyone likes Clausen at all is because he was the top recruit in the country. Back in the day, Sebastian Telfair was a prodigious commodity. None of it means anything, just watch the tape.

Now, this may be irrelevant because if the Rams like Sam Bradford at all, they’re going to take him instead of a tackle, especially in a dome. But at least with the second pick, Jim Schwartz, king of the defensive line, will make the bold declaration as to who is better.

Here’s the last part of the eye test: McCoy and Suh are nearly the exact same size (both 6’4”, Suh is 15 pounds heavier). Who looks bigger?

The eyes have it. Give me Suhby Doo.

Okay, so the very end is kind of ridiculous, but the punchline is worth it.

In the immortal words of Vince Lombardi, “What the hell’s goin’ on here?”

The number one seeds in college basketball have always been a cut above. And every single year, there’s at least one powerhouse team that everyone has circled on their schedule. Think North Carolina, the Noah-Horford Florida beasts, Okafor’s UConn.

This year? Uh…well, Syracuse is number one today. But that’s not going to last.

Not a slight against Syracuse, they’re just not a monster. And the top spot has been a bit like being a Thane of Scotland.

#1 Kansas lost week 8. #1 Texas has gone 5-7 since reaching the top spot. Kentucky took over…and immediately lost to South Carolina. Then this last weekend, Kansas, Kentucky, and Purdue all lost, paving the way for Syracuse.

St. John’s is one of the worst teams in the Big East. And I’m taking them. So are the apparitions.

How exciting is the combine? IT’S MEASUREMENT DAY!!!!

-Colt McCoy disappointed today when the non-burnt orange rulers measured him at a shade under his listed height of 6′2″. What we’ve learned is that he’s a liar and a fink, and despite being the most accurate quarterback in the nation and entering a league where accuracy is prized over all, he cannot possibly play quarterback in the NFL. Like when’s the last time a QB under 6′2″ won a supe…. oh.

-Running back Dexter McCluster came in at 172 pounds soaking wet. That’s half of Minnesota defensive tackle Pat Williams.

-Tackle Bruce Campbell (of Maryland and Army of Darkness) was listed at having 36.5 inch arms. He also, as you can see below, aced the interviews.

Combine Notes: Day 1

Just because it’s meaningless doesn’t mean it isn’t fun to watch (see Avatar). Here are a few odds and ends from the NFL Network’s coverage of the Scouting Combine.

-Off with an awkward bang. First of all, they try to throw it to commercial JUST as Mike Singletary walks onto the set. So the camera guys sort of stay with them, sort of pull out for a wide shot. Singletary doesn’t look like he’d like to wait. The second he gets on set, Singletary explains how meaningless this whole thing is. “You fall in love with all of them,” says the Niners coach. “You want to get back as fast as possible and in front of some film…get your head right.”

-The Lions have had a top ten pick in seven of the last eight drafts. Oy. They’re the second team Michael Lombardi has called An Expansion Team.

-Eye Test #1: Suh vs McCoy. This is going to be the Leaf/Manning of 2010. At first glance, I’m sure both are plenty good, but McCoy is going up against lines that have to deal with other people. Ndamukong Suh looks like an adult playing pop warner.

-Jason Alexander is doing Jenny Craig commercials these days. What happened to the Seinfeld syndication bucks?

-Talking about Brandon Marshall. How many diva wideouts actually affect locker rooms? Did the T.O./McNabb thing actually translate to wins and losses at all? Marshall is going to be a steal from Denver.

-Four of the top five quarterbacks (according to Lisptition Mike Mayock) aren’t throwing at the combine for injury reasons. Again, why am I watching this?

-There are ten minutes left and nothing has happened. We’ve seen the coaches arrive to Lucas Oil and a few interviews with them along the way. There was some talk about the Bills. Nothing has happened.

What a day at the combine!

As most of the free world knows, speed skater Sven Kramer was disqualified from a sure-fire gold medal performance because he didn’t change lanes. Everyone also knows that he did so because his coach told him to switch to the inner lane. What they don’t know are the equivalents in other sports of how bad this actually was. Luckily, we do:

Baseball: Game seven of the ALCS, third base coach Tim Bogar waves Dustin Pedroia in toward home while Jorge Posada already had the ball.

Football: In the Super Bowl, down four points with one second left, Wade Phillips tells Tony Romo to pooch kick the ball through the uprights rather than throw the ball into the end zone.

Basketball: NBA Finals, 3 seconds left, up by one, gotta go the length of the court, Phil Jackson screams at Derek Fisher to dunk the ball in his own basket as soon as its inbounded.

Hockey: Jacques Lamaire pulls Martin Brodeur with a one goal lead in game seven of the Cup finals.

NASCAR: Dale Earnhardt stops in the middle of the road to send a text.