The Miracle on Ice was one of the greatest moments in sports history, not to mention world history. The entire world, including reluctant citizens of the USSR, was standing and cheering when a rag-tag group of American college kids knocked off the best hockey team of all time. It gave people hope in a time when no one had any, when the Red Army was bowling over all opposition, when the “good guys” were still licking their wounds from the licking they took at the hands of the Viet Cong. Go to any country in the world in the early 80s and citizens will tell you they were watching with tears in their eyes.

This begs the question: what would be the worst moment in sports history? Read More

It tastes just like a bacon-wrapped hotdog.

For everyone who can’t stand Joe Buck…Mr. Artie Lange.

A gentleman in his early 20s stands outside the Bank of America at the intersection of Vine Street and Sunset Boulevard at 8:45 PM. He is wearing a Post-That-Denver-Thing Kobe Bryant Jersey (#8 is the dynasty number, #24 is the ‘maybe if I change my number, people will forget that I went two-hole on a rocky mountain groupie), Kevin Smith-esque jorts, and is holding a Lakers banner that is less flag than it is Battle Standard. He’s screaming in celebration, waving the standard to and fro, having a Little Death each time a passing car honks his horn. Of course, the jubilation is the same if the honking is for the Lakers winning the NBA title or if the guy in front of him drives like Mr. Magoo if he was from New Jersey. This kid has a big smile on his face and is nothing if not passionate.

He’s also an idiot.

Let’s just start doing the math: it’s very unlikely he has to get up in the morning to go to work, unless he’s got the morning shift at Popeyes (sidenote: there is no place more depraved than the Popeyes at Hollywood and Cahuenga before ten AM. If you were awakened from a time capsule [a la Brendan Frasier in Blast from the Past] you would be certain that the Soviets had won the Cold War). It’s equally unlikely that he has a girlfriend, because instead of deciding to spend an hour and a half celebrating the Lakers win by Kobe-ing her (the safe word is ‘Shaq’s-A-Bitch’), he’s waving a flag next to a couple ATMs and a dirt-encrusted bum who’s repeatedly screaming, “My popsicles are the best popsicles!” at the billboard with Johnny Depp on it. It’s 9:31PM. He’s still out there.

So this begs the question: what is he getting out of this? Read More

Some things are black and white. You can’t be slightly pregnant, a little bit arrested, or mostly dead (unless diagnosed by Miracle Max). The problem with leaving no room for grey area means there is only winning and losing. And the NBA lost.

No sport on Earth has hitched their wagon more to the individual star-power of the players. The NFL is all about the coaches and GMs, baseball about tradition, soccer about riot police. The NBA is built on their names. Think about how the game has been marketed in the last 30 years. You had Bird vs Magic, Shaq vs Kobe, Jordan vs Everyone, Ron Artest vs the entire city of Detroit. And this season was the Year of Kobe vs LeBron.

And they missed. Read More

Americans across the world were brought to the edge of their seats as they witnessed the biggest sporting event of the year: Barcelona wins the Champions League of Europe!

“What is that, soccer?” says die-hard fan Cody Rae of Pittsburgh, PA.

They can barely contain their enthusiasm!

“Seriously, I’ve never heard of that,” exclaims a jubilant Harold Sheinman of Brooklyn, NY. “I’ve heard of Man U…that Spice Girl’s wife played for them, right?”

The game itself will live in infamy in the United States. Barcelona squared off on a field against powerhouse Man U. A player scored for Barcelona with a deft kick/header/otherwise legal soccer move, and then did it again. Defense was presumably played for the rest of the game.

“Defense wins championships,” says Patriots coach Bill Belichick out of context.

Soccer is the game of the future, a cutting-edge, Euro-cool game where nothing happens for an hour and a half. But with epic battles like the one played today, soccer will soon be the biggest ticket in the United States. Especially if it’s played in souped up Fords and without a ball or goal. 

A New Jersey grandmother has broken a world record by rolling 104 times at a craps table without getting a seven. Before you get too excited, she was betting the Don’t Pass Line.

Maybe the best YouTube sports video of all time. At least the most accurate.

Sports movies are their own genre. Most are dramas and comedies, due to the intensity of the games and rife possibilities of someone getting kicked in the groin. Then you have the occasional action flick (The Last Boy Scout) and chick flick (Jerry McGuire. Yes it is). Horror films are rare, unless you want to count Tom Selleck’s Mr. Baseball. “Okay, so we get Magnum PI to be a DH in Japan! Huge merchandising! Who doesn’t want a mustachioed bobblehead action figure?!?”

What these films all have in common (and Rookie of the Year was a FILM, not a movie) is that they attempt to imitate unpredictable life. The outcome of games aren’t written, and these are. So how do you line them up?

You wait for the inevitable moment when life imitates art (and yes, D3 was ART!).

Here are the Top Five Sports Movies Come True!!

5. MAJOR LEAGUE 2. Counterculture closer Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Chaz Sheen) shaves, gets a Gordon Gecko mullet, and sells out in every way imaginable. At the end of the film, he returns to his nasty roots to cut down Quisling slugger Jack Parkman with 102 mph gas.

IRL: Jason Giambi, who looked like former pro wrestler Mankind after spending two weeks living in the stockroom of a Ross Dress for Less, shaves and trims himself to don Yankee Pinstripes in 2002. Read More