Last week was my crap week. Hopefully I can bounce back and not go on a slide.

BALTIMORE –3.5 over Denver

This is a 90% homer pick. The idea of Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal blowing past the Baltimore corners is going to haunt me all week. Luckily, Kyle Orton can’t really throw the deep ball. I also have a weird feeling they got their act together. No tangible evidence. Such is the life of a homer.

Seattle +9.5 over DALLAS

Whoa, is this a lot of points. I admit, the Cowboys did look pretty good. Miles Austin has bigger gums than anyone I’ve seen in the league. They kept on replaying him smiling on the sideline and it was like a pink couch in his mouth over his teeth. That’s why I think Seattle will cover. This is why I crapped the sink last week.

DETROIT –3 over St. Louis

The Times They Are A Changin’! We’re laying points with the Lions! But the Rams are very much in the untouchable club. If they lose this one, they’re officially on O-fer watch (bye, Saints, Cardinals, Seahawks, Bears, Titans, Texans, Cardinals, Niners).

INDIANAPOLIS –12 over San Francisco

Peyton Manning is just ridiculous this year. And the reemergence…or rather first emergence… of Alex Smith makes the Niners better, but the Colts are just too damn good on offense. By the way, if Alex Smith has a great rest of the season, I’d argue he’s ineligible for Comeback Player because he was never here in the first place.

Miami +3.5 over NY JETS

Call me crazy, but I just don’t believe in the Jets at all. They lost Leon Washington for the year, which you will need against the Dolphins, who are going to be contending for that division all year. Man, watching what Parcells does to a team must make the Redskins and Browns just vomit all over themselves. I like that.

Minnesota +3 over GREEN BAY

Speaking of teams I don’t really believe in. The Pack isn’t any good. And Minnesota was a fumble and a drop away from being 7-0. Plus, I just like the idea of these revenge games going horribly awry.

BUFFALO +3.5 over Houston

Ugh. I hate this game like CC Sabathia hates the fact that baseball is kind of a sport and is thus exercise. Matt Schaub’s got a sneaky noodle arm. And no matter how bad Buffalo is (they’re very bad), they get an edge starting this time of year at home against a dome team.

CHICAGO –13.5 over Cleveland

The Bears get blasted 45-10 by the Bengals… and are now giving two touchdowns to the Browns. Ladies and Gentlemen, your Cleveland Browns!

SAN DIEGO –17 over Oakland

This is an unholy amount of points. Unholy. Wow. If the Raiders weren’t in the club and I wasn’t so married to this policy, I would take them. But my god. The Chargers aren’t even a good team!! Argh, systems!!

TENNESSEE –3 over Jacksonville

The Titans get a break because of the bye week. Wouldn’t it be funny if they rattled off ten straight and made the playoffs? And wouldn’t it be funny if Jeff Fisher shaved? Picture that for a second… it’s like when Tom Selleck went stache-less in In And Out.

ARIZONA –9 over Carolina

Interception! Interception! Interception, Delhomme! A dreadful ball by Delhomme. Just working on Joe Buck’s script. Carry on.

NY Giants +1 over PHILALDEPHIA

Does anyone else suspect that neither one of these teams are actually any good? The Giants’ running game kinda isn’t there against good teams. But Donovan McNabb hasn’t looked good either. Consider this the only time New York will beat Philly this fall. (OH!!)

NEW ORLEANS –10 over Atlanta

The Saints are on the brink of being the anti-club. I can’t think of a team in the league I would take over the Saints at this point. Except maybe the Ravens…which would be ridiculous, because the Saints would destroy the Ravens. 16-0 is not out of the question if they get through this one.