Bill Simmons was talking about how this is the year of the three team tease. Barring a miracle (re: the Eagles getting dumped by the Raiders), it’s nearly impossible to lose them. I’m resisting the urge to drop five grand on the Colts and Bucs this week. Are you telling me there’s any way I’d lose?

Chicago +1.5 over CINCINNATI

I’m decidedly not buying into the Bengals sans Antwan “Don’t Call Me Lamar” Odom. If Orlando Pace doesn’t commit the worst false start in the history of Bears football, they take down Atlanta in the dome. Don’t the Bengals have Last Year’s Bills written all over them?

Indianapolis -13 over ST LOUIS

How high would this line have to be before you even considered taking the Rams? If it was 20, would anyone take them? I wouldn’t. On another note, I actually am a little bummed Rush Limbaugh won’t be heavily involved in Rams operations. Let’s see… Kevin Kasper and Wes Welker as wideouts, Jacob Hester as the running back. I’m not saying all white people like Rush, I’m just saying no black people do. It would be like KU’s team against Texas Western.

New England -14.5 over Tampa Bay

This couldn’t have worked out better. If a contender lost a home game to play overseas they might be upset. But this way, the Glazers can check in on Man U and see if any of them can cover or tackle. Like football tackle, not soccer slide tackle. That’s not tackling.

Minnesota +4 over PITTSBURGH

Pittsburgh hasn’t covered all year, despite ordering a half-dozen clubs thus far. Minnesota is going to melt down, it just might not be for a while. In all honesty, we may be looking at a Minnesota at New Orleans NFC Championship game before Brett decides to throw eleven picks in a game, some to linemen, some to line judges.

Green Bay -7 over CLEVELAND

I love the Club. It makes all of this so much easier. I like how Brady Quinn claims his selling his house has nothing to do with losing his job to a guy who’s completed eleven passes in the last two games (on 41 attempts).

San Diego -4.5 over KANSAS CITY

Six road teams in a row, and I don’t feel a bit badly about it. The Chiefs got their one win of the year and even though San Diego may quietly suck, they can at least score enough points that Haley can’t choke out of his players. Like literally, choke with his hands.

HOUSTON -3 over San Francisco

Part of this was that I’ve taken too many roadies. I think the Niners might be done, also candidates for Last Year’s Bills. They may still make the playoffs, but their offense is simply running out of guys. The law firm gets back on track and is suddenly face first in the AFC wild card picture.

CAROLINA -1 over Buffalo

What are the odds of a quarterback handing Buffalo a game for the second straight week? I’m going to say zer… wait, it’s Jake Delhomme?!? Damn it. It’s one point and it’s in Carolina. I hate everything about this game and shant watch it. I shant.

NY Jets -6.5 over OAKLAND

New rule: NEVER take Mark Sanchez under 55 degrees. I’m giddy about this potental consistency of this. It’ll be in the seventies in Oakland, though, and the thought of backing JaMarcus Russell against a pressure defense makes me all dizzy. Plus, they just beat the Eagles, and I can’t take them out of the club just yet.

Atlanta +4 over DALLAS

The Cowboys are coming off a bye, which should give them some advantage. But there’s no evidence that they’re even remotely good. The Falcons look like a playoff team, at the very least. This line is always going to be swayed to accommodate the people who preemptively gave their child ‘Romo’ as a middle name.

MIAMI +6.5 over New Orleans

I’ll probably miss this. This is probably dumb. But who else is ever going to beat the Saints? It’s on the road, the Dolphins have their wonky wildcat, and no one in the league plays keepaway better than them. This is probably a 75% chance of a close Saints win or a Dolphins win. That 25%, however, has a 96% likelihood of happening. Not big on stats.

NY GIANTS -7 over Arizona

I’m a little nervous that I hate the Cardinals for no good reason this year. The Giants just came off a drubbing and are out for revenge. This is the kind of game where Tom Coughlin starts the first quarter with that look on his face like someone just told him the dip he ate was made from bull testicles.

Philadelphia -7 over WASHINGTON

Whaaa? Only seven? Does Vegas think Sherman Lewis’s playcalling is going to yield any points at all? I wonder if Dan Snyder will try to hire Gruden out of the MNF booth at halftime. Fun fact: Shanahan already said no. Wouldn’t that be great if no amount of money was enough for the big four (Shanny, Gruden, Cowher, Holmgren) to play for Snyder? Hail…to the Redskins…