CAROLINA –3 over Miami

I officially don’t understand anything anymore. The Dolphins only seem to win in their division, and the Panthers are suddenly playing like NFC Champions again. I would be all over these free points, but Ronnie Brown being out erases 90% of the team’s offense. Carolina could be a wild card! Is anyone else maddened by this?!?

Indianapolis over BALTIMORE

This is a pick’em? Really? The secondary lets anyone with half a decent arm throw over their heads, the best pass rusher goes down from a Brady Quinn cheapshot, and they’re not getting points? I don’t understand anything. Peyton Manning didn’t get injured shooting a United Way ad, did he?

JACKSONVILLE –8.5 over Buffalo

The real line should be how many times the announcers screw up interim coach’s Perry Fewell. No, he wasn’t in the BBC’s latest rendition of Pride and Prejudice. He’s the coach of the Bills. Only way Buffalo wins this game is if they think it’ll help sell Shanny on the deal.

MINNESOTA –11 over Seattle

Cool, one of these big lines that could easily be covered. There are only five good teams in football (Saints, Colts, Pats, Bengals, and Vikings) and the Vikings are one of them. Could and should be a massacre. And wait, they EXTENDED Childress in Minnesota?!? Did anyone else get a flash of Crennel in 2007?

New Orleans –11 over TAMPA BAY

Goddamn it. The Saints are overlooking everyone and not covering anymore. But how in the HELL can I take a one-win Buc team over the best team in the league?!? I hate you, Las Vegas.

NY GIANTS –6.5 over Atlanta

I would take the Falcons eleven days of the week (here’s my Ditka impression) if the Giants weren’t coming off a bye and that wasn’t as reliable a trend as there was in this nutty NFL season.

Pittsburgh –10 over KANSAS CITY

If KC didn’t hate their coach, it may have made sense. But Pittsburgh is smarting after losing control of the division. How long until Scott Pioli and Matt Cassel are officially given their Fraud Diplomas?

San Francisco +6.5 over GREEN BAY

The Packers aren’t good. The team they beat last week isn’t good. The Niners aren’t much better, but this is nearly a free touchdown. Quick question: if the Vikings make the Super Bowl, does anyone in Wisconsin watch? Can’t imagine a worse sports scenario.

Washington +11 over DALLAS

Oh my god. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m doing this. I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!! Dallas is not a good team! Damn it! No, I can’t.

DALLAS –11 over Washington

If they cover this game, I’m jumping off something.

DETROIT –3.5 over Cleveland

The Browns are the worst team in football. Brady Quinn is a punk who also happens to be unable to complete passes. If there’s a god, he’ll announce his getting cut with a, “Now I’m Done.”

Arizona –9 over ST. LOUIS

It’s a dome game. No way the Cardinals slip here. You can’t ever pick the Rams. Right?

San Diego +3 over DENVER

Remember that all-time choke job from last season in Denver? Prepare for the sequel.

Cincinnati –9.5 over OAKLAND

No.

NEW ENGLAND –10.5 over NY Jets

Okay, I was motoring through the meaningless games to get to this one. This is a perfect storm for the Jets. I like Rex Ryan. I like Bart Scott. I have a lot of friends who bathe themselves in Gang Green green. But this is going to be unholy. The Jet defense hasn’t really done anything in the last five weeks. Sanchez is looking like a rookie (high of 50 degrees in Foxboro). And the Pats just got done being second guessed for being aggressive. Either they go passive or they hang a 50 pack on their closest division rival.

Philadelphia –3 over CHICAGO

Apparently no one watched the Bears slam their own heads in a trunk door last week. Why is this only a field goal? This is how mediocre the NFC is this year: the Eagles could be the THREE SEED in the playoffs.

Tennessee +4.5 over HOUSTON

I don’t know about you, but I’ll take the best running back in the league and the most amazing comeback in football history over the bye week business. What if the Titans make the playoffs?  Impossible? They’ve got Houston, Arizona, Indy, St. Louis, Miami, San Diego, Seattle. Only the Colts are a tough game there, and what can’t they do? Stop the run.