Tony Kornheiser (whose last name is purportedly not a joke) is giving up commentating on next season’s Monday Night Football (MNF) broadcasts. According to a report filed on ESPN.com , Kornheiser is terrified of flying, and he felt that the upcoming MNF schedule had too many games beyond the luxuries of bus travel. Jon Gruden–former coach of the Oakland Raiders and Tampa Bay Buccaneers–will replace Kornheiser in the broadcast booth. Will Chucky fill the acerbic, witty void left by Kornheiser? Will Mike Greenberg stop weeping in his pillow over not getting his dream gig again? Does anyone really care?

What the readers should care about is the true reason that Kornheiser left MNF. It has been speculated (purely by me) that Ron Jaworski–former player and current MNF analyst–told on Kornheiser to his mother for constantly bullying him. A typical exchange between Jaworski and Kornheiser on MNF went something like this:

Jaworski: What a great pass! Such a strong arm and he hit the target perfectly!
Kornheiser: Are you kidding me, Jaws! You’re a stupid idiot!
Jaworski: I was just trying to say–
Kornheiser: You are so stupid! Stupid, stupid, STUPID!
Jaworski: Uh… *choking back tears*
Kornheiser: I’m just joking, Jaws. Relax!

Mrs. Kornheiser could not be reached for comment at this time, but it is suspected that she gave Tony a severe grounding and he can only go outside to play with Michael Wilbon for Pardon The Interruption .

And Greenberg just put on a Cure album… I should probably get over there and hide all pills and razor blades.