With today being the eve of the ESPY awards, I feel it’s necessary to rub in everyone’s face what the rich and famous are getting for free. We all know they deserve it, especially during these hard economic times. It’s not like they can afford all these things, right?

Here is a list of what celebrities and “sports personalities” will be receiving just for blocking out about 2 hours of their schedule for some meaningless award show:

Undefeated and EA Sports: Free duffel bags. But wait! If you’re one of the thirty VIPs you get a personalized, laser-engraved PlayStation 3 or PSP, just in case someone loots your house and it ends up in a pawn shop or Ebay.

iHome: Free speakers, Keyboards and wireless laser mouse, and laptop cooling pads. I feel like most sports personalities have a much better system in their homes than iHome speakers. And it’s nice to see they get an icy-hot patch for their computer, since they spend hours and hours on their personal computers. (Anyone else notice the laser trend?)

Simmons Jewelry: Was Jacob the Jeweler not available? Oh wait, he’s in jail isn’t he? Now it makes sense.

NameDrop.com: Free Flip cams. Great, now you’re just encouraging celebrity sex tapes.

Muze Clothing: T-shirts printed with classic movie lines. Why? This is a sports award show. Or are these for those “cross-over” stars?

Skullcandy: Headphones, so they can ignore screaming die-hard fans.

Wynn: VIP cards for the Vegas casino pool. The Wynn has a pool? I doubt it’s better than Rehab.

Marley Coffee: Coffee beans made by the son of a Bob Marley. OK, now it’s just getting ridiculous. I see these being re-gifted to the hired help.

Axe: Body Spray. F*ck the smell of victory, bring on the smell of DOUCHEBAG!

Sentient: Coupons for private jets. Can’t go anywhere without their coups!

Patron: I feel like this goes hand in hand with the Flip cam.

See, doesn’t this make you feel better about being a common folk with nothing grand to add to the world?  I thought so.