Stuart Scott: Welcome back to Sportscenter. We’ve got some breaking news for you now. We’ve just been informed that The IOC, that’s the International Olympic Committee, has just recognized “Sport-F*cking” or “Spucking” as an official Olympic sport and will be holding the first ever “Spucking” event in the 2012 Summer games. Booyah!

Linda Cohn: That’s fantastic Stuart. I’ve been spucking since the 8th grade and you know what? It’s about spucking time. I mean really, so many sports never get their due, but spucking? It’s got the test of strength… of endurance, and it’s absolutely fascinating to watch.

Stuart: You bet it is, Linda. And I bet you were a fantastic spucker, even back then. (beat) And now, let’s go live to Pedro Gomez, who’s in Kingston, Jamaica, where hundreds are gathered, spuck training for 2012. -Pedro?

Cut To Video Footage: Pedro is in a packed night club, patrons all over the place, violently humping each other.

Pedro Gomez: What a thrilling time it is for humanity, Stuart, really. Jamaica’s just exploding with discos like this one, everyone competing for a chance at the gold in 2012. As you can see behind me, that man over there is atop an 8 foot ladder. Below him lies a woman wearing a white mini-skirt, her legs spread. Now, this man will jump off of that ladder and THRUST himself, as hard as he can -excuse the pun- into that woman, trying to get her as pregnant as possible. Wait, Wait! Here he goes!

Pedro/Stuart/Linda: OHHH!!

Pedro: If that did indeed result in conception, delivering that baby is going to be like pulling a fat man from a wrecked Mini. In Kingston, I’m Pedro Gomez, ESPN.

Back To: The Studio.

Linda: Whew! She certainly loves her country.

Stuart: Booyah!

Linda: Such dedication and training doesn’t happen overnight; it’s honed in the college ranks. Our own Rachel Nichols is live in Tempe, Arizona, where the Alpha Delta Gamma’s are training for the American spucking team. Rachel what’s it like over there?

Cut to Video Footage: An out of control fraternity party. Rachel stands in front of a beer bong. Drunk girls lie all over the place, barely conscious. Plastered dudes trying their best to hump them.

Rachel Nichols: Yes, Linda, as you can see, the American team will be taking the more passive-aggressive approach to spucking. These girls here, have each consumed a 12 pack of Schlitz and have signed waivers confirming that they’re are at least 21 and will NOT consider this date rape.

Stuart: Does it look like there are any front-running spuckers?

Rachel: Yes indeed, Stuart. -Baxter Moyer, the half-wit adonis over here to my right. The one repeatedly smacking that blonde’s head into the wall. Baxter was discovered his sophomore year of high school as a natural talent and received a 4-year, full scholarship to ASU to spuck for this school, and one day, perhaps, his country.

Linda: Do we know who the young woman is beneath him?

Rachel: Yes Linda, sources here have told me that her name is Marsha Flux, and Baxter met her tonight, in line at Fatburger.

Stuart: Booyah!

Baxter yells at the camera: “Booyah Stuart! I love you Ma! Move your leg over…”

Back To: The Studio.

Stuart: Well, we wish him the best… (Beat) Next up on Sports Center, Speed-Sh*tting. Clean the colon in under 30 seconds. We’ll back right back after this…

Cut To Commercial.