Sammy Sosa, who has not played since 2007, decided to cash in on some limelight by officially retiring from baseball unemployment.

Tired of waiting for contract offers that were not coming in, 41 year old Sammy Sosa decided to he wants to take himself off the distressed market. This Wednesday, at a press conference in his homeland of the Dominican Republic, Sammy Sosa announced his retirement from major league baseball.

Sosa declared that he will calmly look forward to his induction into the baseball hall of fame. The word “calmly” was carefully chosen as that description does not usually occur to those on steroids.

Sammy Sosa expects to go to Cooperstown because of his hall of fame career statistics. He has yet to be legitimately connected to steroids in any sense beyond logic.

The debate over Sosa’s hall of fame eligibility will roid rage on. The debate argues whether “innocent until proven guilty” has any place in major league baseball.

Some expect Sosa to turn his home-run hop into a real dance sensation. Perhaps Sammy can be on the next season of “Dancing with the Fallen Stars.”

Sosa may use his retirement as time to pursue opportunities like learning English, being a spokesman for Proactiv acne products and using his needle skills to perfect the art of acupuncture.