After many years of living in denial, the USA soccer team finally came to the conclusion that the rest of the nation has known for decades–soccer is lame. Before taking the field against Cost Rica at the Estadio Ricardo Saprissa stadium on Wednesday night, the whole USA team agreed that they were living a lie and playing a silly, silly sport. The team then fled the stadium in Costa Rica, leaving the Costa Rican team to juggle, do effeminate posturing, and shoot against an empty field.

Despite the USA team being absent from the pitch, the Costa Rican team worked hard to stay relevant, scoring three goals against an empty net. Against all odds, the USA team actually recorded a goal when a Costa Rican defender took a dive near the goal box, grabbing his knee in pain as he comically writhed around on the ground. The soccer ball continued with enough momentum to zip by the stunned Costa Rican goalie. Despite protestations, no USA team member was issued a yellow card for the takedown of the defender, as no player was within fifty miles of the infraction.

The USA soccer team is expected to fly into Chicago today and issue a public apology to the American populace for trying trick them into watching an inherently boring sport by calling it “strategic and cerebral”. President Obama is expected to accept the apology on behalf of the nation via a video link from Cairo, Egypt.