“What I want…what’s most important to me, is that I have a guarantee: no more attempts on my father’s life. Or at least the NBA and NHL finals being somewhat watchable. Either one would be fine.”

Starting with Little League and moving on to being professional fans, there’s always a back-of-the-mind suspicion that the fair play on the field is far from it. There have been accusations that the NBA Draft has been rigged for years, and the NHL all but forced Edmonton to let the greatest player of all time go to the second largest American market. It’s obliviously ridiculous to assume the games are fixed.

But what if they were? What if the respective leagues could get whatever match-up they wanted in their finals? Who would they pick?

Here are the match-ups as ranked by the evil corporate bastards:

NBA

12. Orlando Magic vs Dallas Mavericks – There has to be a last place. The NBA wants as little of Mark Cuban as possible, and having him trashing the commissioner at Epcot Center isn’t exactly high on their list.

11. Cleveland Cavaliers vs Dallas Mavericks – Again, the league wants Cuban at home. They also really don’t want the finals over in four games (which it would be).

10. Boston Celtics vs. Houston Rockets – Maybe if it was KG vs Yao, but the league doesn’t want a second Celtics dynasty without their most marketable guy.

9. Orlando Magic vs. Denver Nuggets – Small market apocalypse. If a Finals happens in the forest or in the swamp and no one’s around to hear it, did it ever happen?

8. Boston Celtics vs. Dallas Mavericks – Yes, Rondo and Terry add some youth to this Finals. But the league doesn’t want the same cast of vets every year. It’s itching for the next generation to step up.

7. Orlando Magic vs. Houston Rockets – Admittedly, Dwight Howard vs. Yao Ming would be a cool match-up. But Yao’s bum knee would make this just another McDonalds commercial.

6. Orlando Magic vs. Los Angeles Lakers – Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. A little bit of the Unstoppable Force vs. the Immovable Object. DisneyLand vs DisneyWorld. Plus, ABC could interview Laker fans and see if any of them know where Orlando is.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Denver Nuggets – Yeah, this one would be nice. Arguably, these have been the most dominant teams in the playoffs so far and could be an old fashioned cigarette boat race. Plenty of star power would overshadow the fact that it’s Colorado and Ohio.

4. Boston Celtics vs. Denver Nuggets – A storied franchise goes up against a former doormat for the title. The wildcard in this series? Chauncey Billups, who was Rick Pitino’s first bust as Celts coach and is now the playoff fixer.

3. Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Houston Rockets – There’s way more to the Rockets than Yao, who would just be an international cherry on top of a grinding series. If the Rockets get here, it’ll probably mean Yao’s good enough to play.

2. Boston Celtics vs. Los Angeles Lakers – Series rematch from last year, minus KG erases the foregone conclusion. Kobe out for revenge. Big Baby tossing Jack Nicholson aside like an ancient rag doll. Plus, you get the echoes of Bird vs. Magic all over again. Huge markets.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe vs. LeBron. There is no substitute.

NHL

12. Carolina Hurricanes vs. Anaheim Ducks – Tobacco country and Orange County. Not exactly the great white north. No one in America can name any of the players on either one of these teams. Yuck.

11. Carolina Hurricanes vs. Detroit Red Wings – It has all the anonymity of the last series, plus the very real potential for Detroit to just blow the bejeesus out of the Canes. It also doesn’t help that all the fans will be in red. How about some diversity?

10. Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Detroit Red Wings – This looks an awful lot like a good situation for the league, pitting Sid the Kid against the Swedish Five for the second straight year. But if Detroit kills the Pens again, it’ll be incredibly damaging to their efforts to get their most marketable star to hoist the cup. High risk for the NHL.

9. Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Anaheim Ducks – Yes, they get Sid the Kid, but they also get the Ducks. Might actually be a great series from a hockey fan’s perspective, but the league would rather have a couple more people tune in than just the players’ parents.

8. Carolina Hurricanes vs. Chicago Blackhawks – I guess there are fewer crap matchups in the NHL than the NBA. This could be a physical war. No one might score, though, is the thing. They may change the rules midseries that a second puck will be used during the third period.

7. Washington Capitals vs. Anaheim Ducks – Goalie war. Simeon Varlamov vs. Jonas Hiller. One-nothing games. Great hockey. Terrible ratings.

6. Boston Bruins vs. Anaheim Ducks – The best possible match-up involving the Disney Ducks gets an injection of intrigue because of the good goaltending, the resurgence of the Bruins, and Chris Pronger vs. Zdeno Chara, which is like Drago vs. Drago. Everything they hit, they destroy.

5. Washington Capitals vs. Chicago Blackhawks – Since we can’t have The Kid vs. The Great in the final, this is the next best thing. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews squaring off against Alex Ovechkin would give the league a huge showcase for some of its youngest stars. Both cities have gone hockey crazy, so there won’t be anyone checking their pagers during the game.

4. Boston Bruins vs. Detroit Red Wings – Two storied franchises would be straight up Old Time Hockey. Like Eddie Shore. Speed vs. Power. The only thing better than that is…

3. Boston Bruins vs. Chicago Blackhawks – Power vs. Power. Grinding teams that love to hit each other. The Original Six comes back in a big way. Plus the markets are HUGE…at least by NHL standards.

2. Washington Capitals vs. Detroit Red Wings – The Wingies are the league’s current dynasty. The Caps have the best player in hockey. If they can keep Detroit from containing Ovechkin, this could be an all-time classic.

1. Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Chicago Blackhawks. Let’s see: Crosby and Malkin vs. Kane and Toews. Hockey-mad Pittsburgh and Chicago. Mario Lemieux and Phil Esposito on hand. Rematch of the ’92 cup. Now if only it wasn’t on Comedy Central…I mean Versus.