Ten months ago, during the Beijing Olympics, comparisons shot every which way between Michael Phelps and mermen, dolphins, whales, platypuses, and other quick-swimming sea creatures. They say he could breathe under water, that he could circumnavigate the world in two hours, that he feasted on endangered sea turtles as he made his way to the deepest depths of the ocean floor.

Now, it seems, The American Dolphin-man has some competition in Rafael Nadal.

The New York Times Magazine reported yesterday on Rafael Nadal in an article entitled “Ripped. (Or Torn Up?) The piece focuses on Rafael Nadal’s style of tennis, the likes of which have not been seen since the legendary Bocce game of 1747, in which Guillaume Visage-de-Léon narrowly defeated Henri de la Testosterone, buying time by spearing him into a nearby pool of piranhas.

Gorney, the Times reporter, establishes in the piece what Phelps and America most fear: in Nadal, the Americans have competition for most disturbingly-animalistic athlete in the world.

Just how frightening is Nadal?

Gorney describes a man who, prior to every match, drinks a protein shake with baby kittens and American flags.

It’s tough to say what’s next for Nadal. Roger Federer has stated that he cannot play against Nadal again, as the last time, Federer’s fourth consecutive loss, Nadal actually knocked off Federer’s leg with a tennis ball that broke the speed of sound.

So, if anything, take this as a public service announcement: Watch out for Rafael Nadal. He will destroy you.