Ageless hockey enforcer Claude Lemieux retired today after an illustrious career of bashing heads and stealing souls. Lemieux, 44, won four Stanley Cup trophies with three different NHL teams, and finished up his 21-year career with the San Jose Sharks. The hockey great is also suspected of torturing countless souls during his tenure as the cackling ghoul known as “The Crypt Keeper”.

Fellow players and victims, alike, say that they will sorely miss the effervescent Lemieux. “He used to rock me into the boards like no one else,” said hockey hall-of-famer Mark Messier. “The funny thing is that he was always cordial after almost breaking your legs. And his laugh… boy, I’ll miss that.”

Chet Centra, was a victim of horrible torture by backwoods hillbillies and was blessed with Lemieux’s Crypt Keeper narration. He also recall’s Lemieux’s laugh.

“While these wicked, smelly hillbillies were cutting out my eyeball, this ghoul starts narrating what was going on,” said Centra between sips from his Shasta Cola. “I don’t know why he needed to explain what the torturers were doing–I was there. I could tell. But, still, that laugh, despite being high-pitched and ghoulish… it was comforting, y’know?”

As for Lemieux, he’s not sure if his retirement for one career is permanent. “I haven’t made any solid decisions, yet,” Lemieux told the gathered press at his Phoenix home. “But hockey’s over for me. I can’t keep up with these young guys. Crypt Keeping is very low-impact, though, so you never know!”