Steroid Buddy! Steroid Buddy! Where ever I go you’re gonna go….Steroid Buddy and Meeee!!

            Roger Clemens was interviewed by Mike Wallace last night in what will go down in history as the best bad acting job I’ve ever witnessed. Has Mr. Clemens not read anything about lying and how to not do it poorly? Of certain tell tale signs that indicate your guilt? Watching his interview was absolutely astounding.

            The most interesting part of the interview was a somewhat tame Mike Wallace notorious for his very frank and direct way of asking pointed questions, no one wanted to answer, instead of beating around the bush. As Wallace observed the new twitch that Clemens acquired as soon as the camera’s were rolling, the incessant blinking of his eyes and the sweat on his brow, I can only imagine he felt sorry for the aging pitcher. Wallace must’ve thought I could make this guy self-destruct on national television. It’s like watching Magneto flip your car into a tree to injure you instead of folding your car in on itself like an invisible junkyard crusher. Yes, the heat waves of mind melting emanating from Wallace’s wrinkly, subhuman head were minimal at best, even still Clemens looked as if any second he would fall to the floor sucking his thumb and crying out for his binky.

            Appropriately, enough Clemens’ performance was almost that of a 8^th grade debate team nobody. Not the captain mind you but that kid that signed up because Kelly Kapowski was a fox and she was on the debate team and that was surely the way he’d get her to notice him. I digress. His terrible repetitive logic of “why would I do [steroids] it’s just a quick fix…it is it’s own penalty because it ends guys careers quickly” was reminiscent of a kid trying to explain to his mother “I didn’t throw the rock at the window to break it, I was throwing it at the wall and I accidentally missed, even though I also coincidentally locked myself out of the house.” (Sorry, mom, I lied about that.)

            Some ask me if I think he took Steroids during his years in baseball and I politely respond with a palm strike to the top of their foreheads where the frontal lobe is located to jar the center of logic and reasoning for them. I call it the Palm Strike of Reeducation Of course he was taking Steroids. He may not have known at first but then when he found out he didn’t stop, or he’s been trying to play dumb for the last 20 some odd years.  That the “magic needle” that allowed him to return to baseball, like Methuselah in a bugs bunny cartoon, was just B12 and Lydacane. You’ve got to be kidding me.

            For Clemens this whole interview thing, I hope, has taught him a very valuable lesson. Even if you fool yourself into believing your own lies it ain’t gonna fly with the rest of us, especially when we see him sweat on national TV.