The NHL has sent shockwaves through the hockey community today with the announcement of Sidney Crosby’s suspension for violating the League’s strict performance enhancing substance ban. The statement from the league came just hours before the puck was set to drop for Game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals, which Crosby’s Penguins trail 2 to 0 to the Detroit Red Wings. Crosby responded to the allegations from the league with this statement:

“I have disgraced the fans of Pittsburgh and the sport of hockey. Nothing I can say will make any of this easier, but I might be able to shed some light on the situation. As many of you know, I have been unable to grow a substantial playoff beard since entering the NHL. Last year, to try and gain some respect from my competitors and fans, I began taking garbage bags from female grooming salons and applying the discarded hair to my face with spirit gum. Around game three of last years playoff finals, I contracted a nasty case of pubic lice on my face. The itching was unbearable, yet I endured it until the series was over to keep the public from knowing my secret. As a result, for this years playoffs, I made the regrettable decision to turn to Human Growth Hormone in an attempt to abandon my label as Sid ‘The Kid’ and finally be recognized as Sid ‘The Man’. I apologize to my family, friends and most importantly to the fans for letting them down.”

I spoke with this year’s Art Ross trophy winner and three time Espy Nominee for ugliest man in sports, Evgeni Malkin, outside of the Penguin locker Room. “Yes, it is a shame…. Sid has always been embarrassed, uhm, about his beard. It is a shame for the team, but we will just have to go out there tonight and prove that we are not just a one man show, we are a two man show.” Detroit Red Wing Niklas Lidstrom had this to say, “Personally, I thought something was different about the ice this time around and I’m glad for it. Last year, that crap would fall off his face. It was like skating in an igloo after an Eskimo had a Brazilian wax.”

Fans have expressed outrage at the announcement. Michael Stein, a resident of Pittsburgh suburb Fox Chapel, has already filed complaint against the team, “I came home from work today, only to find my Labrador Retriever half shaved with my six year old super gluing its fur to his face. I spent six hours waiting in the ER, watching that fat lipped Canuck looking for sympathy from his fans because he can’t grow a beard. He has no clue what he’s done.” When leaving his Pittsburgh mansion Crosby was quoted as saying “There is nothing manly about gluing someone’s pubic hair to your face, but there is nothing less manly than getting crabs from it and deciding to use steroids instead.”