Every NFL team has a distinct identity.  Some are hopelessly lost, some have always been prosperous, some are on crack.  The same could be said for the female Pop Stars of the World.  Let’s try to figure out which Pop Stars are which NFL Team if for nothing else, than for the ability to make fun of a team by comparing them to Kelly Clarkson.

Washington Redskins Britney Spears

Remember back in the 90’s when they were good? Everyone liked them.  Then they went crazy.  Someone keeps irrationally throwing a LOT of money into producing them believing that they are going to turn the corner and have a hit soon.  Any real genuine problems that have can be fixed with money and band-aids.  She can’t sing?  Just put that I am T-Pain synthesizer on her voice.  Can’t play defense?  Just throw all of the money you have at Haynesworth.

New England Patriots Beyonce Knowles

Everything they do seems to come out right.  They have all sorts of records.  They’ve totally owned this decade.  There may be accusations of Diva-ness, but have totally earned the right to act like they’re hot shit.

Indianapolis Colts Christina Aguilera

You always think “OK, this is the year they take a Britney like nosedive into obscurity or irrelevance”, but they never do.  They always keep coming back with hits/good seasons and despite the similar formula, always seems to have good success.  Somehow they avoided the dreaded young pop star curse/1st QB drafted curse to become really successful.  Remember how many people thought Britney would totally have a better career than Christina?  Remember how many people thought Ryan Leaf was so much better than Peyton Manning?  Stupid call.

Detroit Lions Celine Dion

I’m sorry to all of my Michigan/Detroit friends, but Lions football is the Celine Dion of the NFL.  Its just painful.  You can blame Matt Millen.  You can blame Titanic.  What ever.  I don’t care whose fault it is, I just don’t want to be around it.

(Read the rest of the 32 teams’ Pop Stars after the jump):

Denver Broncos Macy Gray

They’ve always been good and on top.  I mean they just won the Super Bowl in like… 1998?  Really?  Its been over a decade?  At least we’re always in it.  We’re always in the conference championships and stuff, right?  Let me check.  We’ve won ONE playoff game this decade?  Come on!  And Macy Gray.  She’s always been around and rockin it.  I mean look at how many hit singles she’s had.  1 in the top 10?  That’s it?  But still, she’s really good.  She was just in Spider-Man.  And that was pretty recent, right?  2002?  Wow.

Pittsburgh Steelers Tori Amos

Really talented, but they just bore me to tears.  Seriously.  “The Patriots are playing.”  “Oooh!”  “The Defending Super Bowl Champion Steelers are playing.”  “Eh.”  “Beyonce has a new album coming out.” (If you’re a girl) “Ooooh!” “Tori Anus has a new album coming out.” “Eh.”  “She’s going to be naked in it.”  “Still Eh.”

Carolina Panthers Gwen Stefani

I don’t know what to make of them.  Sometimes they’re awesome (When they were in No Doubt, when they went to the Super Bowl).  Sometimes I don’t know what the fuck they are thinking (”The shit is bananas”?  Really?, “Jake Delhomme is the best we can do at QB”.  Really?)

Green Bay Packers Shakira

Wow.  Do they look good.  Like they have it all.  Sexy, blonde latina with hips like that.  She’s got an incredible voice.  Yet, still she comes out with She Wolf.  Aaron Rodgers, Jennings, Driver, AJ Hawk.  They should be awesome.  But why they hell isn’t it coming together?

New York Jets Lady Gaga

What the hell happened to us?  Weren’t we awesome like five minutes ago?  Now we may or may not have a penis.

Houston Texans Rihanna

Recent blows from Chris/Kris Brown are still stinging.

New York Giants Jessica Simpson

That’s right.  We fucked up the Cowboys 2007 season and aren’t apologizing for it.

Seattle Seahawks Taylor Swift

Came into their own during 2006 (hit single “Tim McGraw”, Super Bowl XL).  Pretty good looking, but you never really think of them as important in the grand scheme of things.  Just when something goes right, some jackass comes and screws up their moment (Kanye at the VMAs, any of the 700 injuries they have had during the last few years).

Tennessee Titans Carrie Underwood

They’re both very Nashville.  They would both blow without Chris Johnson (because they have Vince Young and lost Albert Haynesworth/because they sing country music).

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Mary J. Blige

“Hey!  Didn’t you used to play music/football?”

Miami Dophins Fergie

Way more style than substance.  Fergie is part owner of the Miami Dolphins.  Very much style over substance.  Thinks they are WAY more innovative and ahead of the curve than they really are (Wildcat/Boom Boom Pow).  Have been known to pee their pants at inappropriate times.  Not because the Dolphins have.  Just wanted to take the opportunity to make fun of Fergie for doing so.

Baltimore Ravens Kelly Clarkson

Just because I think this one might piss off Rosolio the most.

San Francisco 49ers Lil’ Kim

After being gone for several years, there’s a possibility we might do something again!

Dallas Cowboys Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana

Only reason they keep pushing them on us is because their ancestors were huge (Billy Ray Cyrus/90’s Cowboys).  And because this is one of the most disparaging things I think I could write about the Cowboys.  Also had a suggestion for Babs Streisand since she was big in the 70’s and 90’s, but now doesn’t realize people are laughing at them and not with them.  But that would force me to post a picture of her here and I could never again view this page for fear of going blind.

OK.  What about this compromise…

Jacksonville Jaguars Sheryl Crow

They’re kind of the personification of “Average”.  They’re not good enough to be engaging.  Not bad enough to be easily mockable.

San Diego Chargers Amy Winehouse

On the surface things look fine.  Multiple Grammy winner.  That picture above looks pretty sexy.  Phil Rivers is awesome.  Vincent Jackson is tearing it up.  Shawne Merriman is a beast.  Then, you shake you head and see this…

HOLY HELL!  She is hideous!  She’s on so many narcotics her body might just explode.  Norv Turner is our coach and he is atrocious in the playoffs!  LaDainian Tomlinson is a broken shell of his former self!  We are so screwed!

New Orleans Saints Mariah Carey

Can hit those high notes.  If you hear they’re on TV, you’re always going to switch over to watch.  And if there’s a tape of one of them leaked to the internet engaged in adult activities with Kim Kardashian, its going to be downloaded about 7 billion times.

Buffalo Bills Jewel

How can you have that many hits in the 90’s and just disappear for the 00’s?

Arizona Cardinals Sara Bareilles

That’s good.  You had a real nice hit (”Love Song”, the 2009 Super Bowl).  Now its time to go back to no one knowing who you are.  Thanks for playing.

Atlanta Falcons Jordin Sparks

Kind of new to the scene.  People seem to like them a lot.  But I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen enough of either of them to say anything witty or insightful.

Kansas City Chiefs Jennifer Lopez

If you don’t have something nice to say about someone, then don’t say anything at all.  Or wait until you think of something really funny.  There’s something there to make fun of with Anaconda, Monster-in-Law, Ryan Sims, “Jenny From The Block”, Brodie Croyle, Maid in Hanhattan and Tamba Hali, but I’m still looking for it.  They both have a lot of those just head scratching good idea/bad execution moves that leaves you wondering if there’s any living tissue between their ears.  Like making a film(good idea) Gigli (bad execution).  (From wikipedia of Gigli director Martin Brest: Brest wrote and directed Gigli, starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. His career subsequently ended.)  Like wanting to go on a youth movement and trading players for pick (good idea), but the player you trade is Jared Allen who is 25 and led the league in sacks (bad execution).  Taking some time off of music to make films(good idea), but you end up making Jersey Girl, Maid in Manhattan and Monster-in-Law (bad execution).  Deciding to revamp your offense and bring in Matt Cassel (good idea), but then selling off the greatest target you would have for Matt Cassel (bad execution).  Signing your All-Pro running back to a long term contract (good idea), just after running him into the ground with 416 carries (bad execution).

Oakland Raiders Whitney Houston

This is what your NFL Team/Pop Star looks like on crack.  Any questions?

Cincinnati Bengals P!nk

Little bit spunky & punky.  Always trying to poke fun at their institutions (P!nk with mainstream pop, Ochocinco with the NFL front office).  Never have and probably never will win anything of substance.

Philadelphia Eagles Alicia Keys

You always forget “Hey.  They’re actually pretty talented.”  “How are the Eagles leading their division?  Oh yeah.  They don’t suck.”  “Why the hell is Alicia Keys dueting with Jay-Z?  Oh yeah.  Because she doesn’t suck.”  If you sat for an hour and listed out all of the great pop singers and NFL teams, Keys and the Eagles would be the ones you forgot in the end.

Cleveland Browns Serabee

Serabee had the free single on iTunes this week.  Its just awful.  There is nothing redeeming about it.  Its bland, has no focus, no energy and no talent.  And damn you Apple for trying to force it upon us with the discount price of “Free”.  Much like Monday Night Football trying to push Cleveland on us this week against Baltimore.  No one wants to listen to/watch that.  I don’t think you’re a real Pop Star/NFL team and don’t deserve to be in the same conversation with the others.  That’s why you are being compared to Serabee/Cleveland.

Minnesota Vikings Missy Elliot

They’re really good at what they do, but I really don’t want to see them naked.

Chicago Bears Katy Perry

One really good hit (”I Kissed A Girl”, 2005 Season) and people keep waiting for me to do something interesting.  But I’m not going to, since I really don’t have any sort of imagination.  Come on.  Either get back to doing the lesbian pop or stop making songs.  “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes.”  Oh my lord just shoot me.

St. Louis Rams Madonna

They used to look pretty good, now they just seem gross.

As always, this is totally open for debate.  Do so below.