Brett Favre won the hearts of millions with his gutsy performances, his dedication to the sport and his ability to make plays few others ever had.  He exuded a child-like joy for football many who wear the NFL logo every Sunday forgot.  Just look at the records Brett Favre owns.  Just look at this youtube video:

The title says it all.  “Brett Favre - Legend”.  He was the pride of the NFL.  Movie Star.  NFL Champion and future hall of famer.  Sportsman of the Year.  Celebrity endorser.

Then came a backlash.  Out of nowhere, came a wave of hatred for Brett Favre.  He didn’t beat his wife.  He didn’t electrocute dogs.  He didn’t bet on the game or take steroids.  But the hatred flooded the internet:

Angry Favre Shirts

BrettFavreSucks.com

Top 10 Reasons to Hate Favre Lists

Everyone abandoned the golden boy except for John Madden.  So he waffled on Green Bay a little.  Did you know anyone in Wisconsin that is personally affected?  No.  We haven’t even totally verified that Wisconsin even exists.  So he refuses to retire.  Where’s the same vitriol for Ricky Henderson?  So he threw some interceptions.  When you play that much, you’re going to.  Plus, did it really matter to you if Favre threw an interception for a team you didn’t root for?  Even this year, when he set a record low for Interceptions by a persona named “Brett Favre”, the hatred came.  Every quarterback who has ever appeared in a Farrelly Brothers movie has proven to be tremendously popular.  Except for one.

It just doesn’t add up!  Why has nobody else looked into this?  I, being the intrepid reporter I am, could not sit idly by and allow Favre’s good, misspelled name to be smeared through the mud.  What I found was horrifically sad.  Much like Trading Places, a major corporation was willing to put a good, hard working man through hell… for a buck.

Or a whole lot of bucks.  But still… who is behind this…

The Levi Strauss Jean Company.

Internal memos show that the executives at Levi’s made it their personal mission to destroy the credibility and legacy of the man who holds almost every major career passing record.

To: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: Rick Lewis C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

John,

Dammit!  We’re down another 17%!  I’ve been blaming it on Bush and the economy.  Hell, I’ve been blaming everything on that.  But that’s not doing anything to solve our problems and it doesn’t explain why Wrangler’s profits are up 193%!  And it all happened when they signed that God Damned Brett Favre!  They keep showing him out there playing football in jeans and having fun in jeans and getting mussy with other dudes in jeans!  He’s the most likeable person in the history of the league!  Its not fair that they have him out there telling people they should be playing football in jeans!  Its not even logical!  Who plays football in jeans?!?!

Our attempts to match that advertising have proven to be unsuccessful.  The “Look how much fun Michael Phelps has swimming in jeans!”, “Look how much fun Barry Bonds has being a dickweed in his jeans!” and “Look how much fun David Carradine is having doing auto erotic asphyxiation in his jeans!” have all done NOTHING to improve our profit margin!  So we need to try something new…

We need to destroy Brett Favre!

Hugs & Kisses,

Rick Lewis

——————–

To: Rick Lewis C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

Rick,

No!  We cannot do that to Brett!  That’s immoral!  Brett is a good family man who really, really, really loves football and the NFL!  Plus, did you see There’s Something about Mary? “What is Brett Fa–… Fav-rah… Fav-reh… doing here?”

John

—————

To: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: Rick Lewis C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

“Brett FAH–vree, Fav-rah… F-ah-v-rah”.

——————

To: Rick Lewis C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

“Faaah-v-RAH… Brett Faa-hhh-Vrah!”

——————–

To: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: Rick Lewis, C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

Hehehe.  I love that scene.  But still.  Its either destroy the legacy of a good man, or risk losing that island you own in the Caribbean.  Your choice…

—————–

To: Rick Lewis C.F.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
From: John Anderson, C.E.O. Levi Strauss, Inc.
Re: Sales Fall Against Wranglers

Do it…

And so it began.  Beyond the fiscal motives, there are the other connections.  Levi Strauss, Inc, is located in San Fransisco.  Other than a flourishing Asian and homosexual community, what is San Fran known for?  The 49ers.  From their wikipedia page:

1995–98

The 49ers made the playoffs in 1995, 1996, and 1997, being eliminated each season by the Green Bay Packers, including a 23-10 loss at Candlestick in the 1997 NFC Championship game. The time was marked by key injuries, including one to Jerry Rice that sidelined him for 14 games, and numerous injuries to Steve Young.

In 1998, Steve Young led the 49ers to a 12-4 record and their 16th straight winning season, all with 10 wins or more. Once again, the 49ers faced the Green Bay Packers in a thrilling NFC Wild Card game that went back and forth for its duration. Things looked bleak when the 49ers trailed 27-23 in the waning seconds. However, in one last moment of glory, Young hit Terrell Owens on a dramatic, game-winning 25-yard touchdown pass that put the Niners ahead at 30-27 with 0:03 left on the game clock. They luckily dodged a bullet early in the drive, as a Jerry Rice fumble recovered by the Packers was inadvertently ruled down.

Brett Favre led each of those Green Bay victories over the 49ers.  And despite the incredible popularity of Brett Favre, many in the San Fran based Levi Strauss organization held deep seeded resentment.  And when Favre formed an alliance with Levi’s mortal enemy, Wrangler… they could take no more.

A recently unearthed itinerary from Levi Strauss executives outlined their plan:

1. Ruin Brett Favre in Green Bay.  Alert New York Giants on Packer play calling to allow them to intercept Favre’s pass in NFC Championship game. Favre contemplate retirement.
2. Breatt Farve retires.  Pepper spray just before news conference to induce tears.  Turn the giant killer into a cry-baby.
3. Convince small boy with terminal disease to beg Favre to come back so boy can see Favre play one last time.  Or he will die.  Favre, being the Samaritan he is, will agree and unretire.
4. Massive fake email campaign.  Set up an email server to mass distribute emails to the Green Bay executives with heading such as “Aaron Rodgers is nice.  Favre sucks.”, “Aaron Rodgers smells good.  Favre smells bad.”  and “If you don’t get rid of Favre and start Rodgers, I will blow up Lambeau.  Also Favre smells bad.”
5. Place focus on Favre.  With all of ESPN being loyal Levi Strauss wearers, they will be very open to becoming accomplices.  Make it appear as though it is Favre waffling on Green Bay.  Then have ESPN flood their channels with Favre Watch updates until people get sick of hearing his name.
6. Use Minnesota connections to block Favre’s ability to join the Vikings.  Instead, send him to the Jets.  This will dreadfully harm his image because everyone hates New York and the Jets.
7. See Point 4, but replace “Aaron Rodgers” with “Mark Sanchez”.
8. Repeat Step 5 for years 2008-2010.
9. Offer free Levi’s to any Viking who coughs up the ball during 2010 NFC Championship game.
10. Offer free Levi’s to any Viking who lets Favre get the shit knocked out of him.  (Estimated cost after seeing 2010 NFC Championship - $19,273)
11. Alert Saints to Vikings playcalling.  Force Favre Interception.
12. HUGE PROFITS!

And you all have fallen for it.  Some of you outright bought out by the corporations.  Some of you have just fallen trap to the hype.  But you all should have known better.  Is a world where we cannot root for Brett Favre worth your integrity?  Would you rather us have to root for Eli Manning?  I shudder at the thought of that.

I hope everyone reads this.  I hope everyone who told a “Brett Favre is retiring, no wait I’m not” joke reads this.  Levi Strauss undertook one of the most expensive smear campaigns ever and bought off a ton of people in the process.  Every nasty message about Brett Favre on the internet… came off of the dollars from Levi Strauss.  Its the Enron of relaxed fit jeans conspiracies.  They paid off a lot of you out there to brew the hatred.  And to you who took Levi’s corporate dollars… you’ve broken a good man.  Most for greed.  Some for the love of Levi’s.  None for a good reason.  I hope you’re proud of yourselves.