Us Weekly has reported that New England QB Tom Brady has finally walked down the isle with Victoria’s Secret model Gisele Bunchen. I feel that this marks an important day in male history. Sure, Gisele is a larger than life supermodel who parades around a perfect ass and during one very special night a year she puts on lingerie to promote the running monopoly on the “World’s Most Comfortable Bra,” but last time I checked there were 6 Victoria’s Secret Angels, while there is only one Tom Brady. I mean they let Tyra Banks be an angel and that bitch is crazy.

Well, let us break down who Tom Brady is on the male hierarchy scale, shall we.

Tom Brady…
A Multi-millionaire GQ model Future NFL Hall of Fame New England Demi-God with model looks, a ho-hum humility and quiet charm that makes even grandma blush. Oh yeah, he’s also got 3 Super Bowl rings and all at the ripe old age of 31. Chances are that if you’re a woman with a pulse or maybe even one without, that Tom Brady is pretty much the most perfect guy EVER. I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say that Tom Brady can probably date whoever he wants. Even if you’re a Jets fan, you could still be swayed.

Now if Gisele and Brady were to break-up, you’d figure Gisele’s next boyfriend would have pretty big shoes to fill. But, what would be worse than being her new beau? That role will be filled by being the ex-boyfriend of whoever it is Tom Brady decides to date next.

Put yourself in those shoes. You break up with your girl and you’re thinking to yourself she’s never going to do better than me; I’m nice, attractive, I have a nice car and a steady and have been thinking about leasing a boat. I’m an accountant at H and R Block for Christ sakes! I’m a catch! I’ll land on my feet. Or maybe you think, oh she’ll come to her senses and she’ll be back in a month begging me to see her again. She can’t make it without me by her side.

Then you see her out one night out to dinner with Tom Brady.

Now I imagine that a moment of realization of this grand in magnitude would completely decimate ever ounce of your soul. You can’t un-see that. You could stand outside of that restaurant with a trench coat and boom box in the pouring rain and play “In Your Eyes,” till the Lions won the SuperBowl and she wouldn’t even notice your presence. You’d just become the guy that she dated before she married Tom Brady.

You’d then slip into some sort of catatonic love shock. You wouldn’t get out of bed for weeks. Every Sunday would be shrouded in a curtain that’s black like death, and every SportsCenter would be riddled with your inadequacy. Mocked by every Patriot completion and eventually destroyed by every New England victory. And don’t go waltzing by any news stands chief, cause all your favorite magazines will be staring back at you, reminding you of how much you suck at life. Take the dog, the house, the Lexus, please take anything but SportsCenter…damn.

Think about being “that guy” who discovers that his girlfriend didn’t just find someone better than he was, she found a guy that you couldn’t even compare with on any earthly level. Oh, you ran some junior varsity track in high school? Maybe played some minor league ball? Greatest astrophysicists the world has ever seen? Well, this guy won 3 rings, collected two SuperBowl MVP’s and all while billions watched and cheered. By the way did I mention he did all that all by the time he was 30?

The guy’s last Super Bowl story dwarfs the greatest story you’ve ever told her. Remember that Christmas Eve when you saved those 11 orphans from the “Great St. John’s Orphanage School Bus Fire of 97’?  Remember how it flipped six times and was submerged at the bottom of the lake? You dove in and dragged those children to safety on shore, right onto that Golden Retriever farm, where you bought each of those kids a puppy and essentially saved both the children’s lives and their faith in humanity in one grand heroic gesture? That day you patched the damaged souls of children who felt they had nothing more in this world to believe in. You even got to be on the Today Show for that!

Still not good enough.

And remember those times when you and her used to sit outside and laugh while having romantic dinners at that restaurant on the lake? Well, Tom Brady just bought that restaurant AND they are signed a petition to have it renamed after him. How about this summer when you go jet-skiing on Lake Brady, maybe you could find a nice secluded little spot where you can be alone and cry.

Tom Brady, the guy even some opponents like, the hero to millions is now dating you ex-girlfriend. Tom FUCKING Brady! And it slowly dawns on you that she won’t coming back. He will give her expensive jewelry , the lifestyle of the rich and famous, and anything her little heart could ever find the time to desire. She has now become just another part of your history. She won’t be coming to the H&R Block Christmas party this year. She’s a ghost. Even that little tiny corner of your mind that always holds out hope under the most dire of obstacles and circumstances…

Gone. I mean you may be delusional, but nobody is that delusional.

So from now on, I’d like for men everywhere to make a note of this historic proposal.  Because when things go bad with a woman and you see her sometime down the line at a restaurant with her new boyfriend; no matter how rich, famous or powerful he is, you’ll always be able to sigh and say, “At least she’s not dating Tom Brady.”