Stanley Schrimpkawktale of Princeton, NJ was found dead this morning, cheese puffs surrounding his lifeless corpse. According to his wife Cindy, the man started showing signs after the fifth football game during thanksgiving. By FSU-Florida, he was babbling incoherently about Papa John’s not being a viable slice of pizza. Midway through Ravens-Steelers, he was unconscious.

“I’m just glad to have the TV back, “says Cindy. “Sure he’s dead, but I have a lot of Hoarders to get through.”