Following Saturday night’s loss to the Orlando Magic–and the Cleveland Cavaliers’ elimination from the NBA Playoffs–LeBron James, 24, barricaded himself into a talcum powder fort of his own design. James refuses to leave the fort for a “billion-zillion years” and he thinks Kobe Bryant is “a big doo-doo head”. Repeated attempts by James’ mother, Gloria, to coax him from the ethereal, powdery fort have been met with spitballs and quiet weeping. Gloria has placed her son’s favorite flapjacks at the gates of the fortress, hoping that James will come out when he is tired and grows hungry.