On Tuesday night, with absolutely no fanfare, the Los Angeles Clippers won the top pick at the NBA’s draft lottery . Everyone is speculating that the Clippers will pick up Oklahoma’s Blake Griffin with its coveted pick, but the only thing more boring than the words “Clippers”, “Oklahoma”, and “NBA draft” is Blake Griffin saying them. However, I did get to thinking after reading about this. Yes, I have been known to ponder life’s mysteries while shotgunning cans of Schlitz High Gravity .

Since the Clippers must realize that they are, you know, the Clippers, maybe they could put their money in something other than an overpriced rookie. The options are infinite, but I have reached into infinity and pulled out the best options for the Clippers. Take a look, won’t you?

A Bag of Hammers
At around $40 per bag, the Clippers would not only have something less expensive (and smarter!) than Blake, but they would also have something infinitely more useful. Hammers are the tool of creators… even Jesus had a hammer. They drive nails and can be improvised as a melee weapon. What can Blake do? Shoot a clutch jump shot? Pfft! Let’s see if he can drive nails with his head, or be lifted and swung at interlopers!

Shares in GM Stock
Still worth more than the Clippers! Zing! Seriously, though, toilet paper is always useful.

Ben Gazzara
At a fraction of the cost of Blake Griffin, the Clippers would have a veteran actor with a long and adventurous resume. Sure, he can’t hit a three to save his life, but Ben Gazzara has a greater purpose. Place him across from the opposing team’s bench and have him reenact his scenes from Buffalo ‘66 . Simple as that. Even LeBron can’t take that for long without cracking.

Helper Monkeys
At first, these helper monkeys would deal with such things as paperwork, teaching Fred Jones how to sink three-pointers, and showing the cheerleaders some new dance routines. This will all lead to the eventual violent monkey uprising, of course, and a complete takeover of the Clippers front office. Once that happens, logical trades will be made, better coaching will be instituted, and finally–playoff contention.

And now I leave you with the godfather of helper monkeys: