The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Miami Heat will play several preseason games in Europe next October, in order to show foreign fans that absolutely anyone can play professional basketball. Miami fans are hoping that the team stays there.

Former NBA player Isaiah Rider must appear in court next month after being arrested for driving a stolen car. It’s the best thing to happen to someone named Isaiah all season.

The Dallas Cowboys are continuing to pursue Pacman Jones. Their latest offer includes a seventh round draft pick, a player to be named later, and thousands of tiny power pellets.

And injured Brewers pitcher Chris Capuano has decided to opt for rehab over surgery. It’s either that or play for the Brewers.

Two cheetahs were captured in Florida after attacking the owner of a wildlife sanctuary. When he heard that two Florida cheetahs were put behind bars, Bobby Bowden instinctively posted bail.

New Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez is emphasizing that he’ll run a family program. We imagine it will be something like the Menendez family.

Pacman Jones is closer to signing with Dallas. He’s so close, the Cowboys cheerleaders are now wearing raincoats.

Minnesota Twins fans are preparing for yet another disappointing season after briefly flirting with success. These Twins have failed so many times, they may change their name to the Minnesota Mary Kate and Ashley Olsens.

And over 115,000 people watched a Red Sox/Dodgers exhibition game at the L.A. Coliseum. In order to see that kind of attendance again, the Dodgers will play their next home game in Paris Hilton’s bedroom.

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