The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Barry Bonds’ agent said that it would take Bonds just two weeks to prepare, should any team sign him. One week to work on his timing, and one week to find a hat that fits.

Texas shortstop Michael Young had his house egged by his teammates as part of a Spring Training prank. Since it was the Rangers, most of the eggs missed.

The AA Huntsville Stars have offered Roger Clemens a contract to become the team’s mascot. The Stars want to save money by not purchasing an oversized head.

The NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay. In related news, the NBA will consider an expansion of instant replay.

And a new poll has found that more New Yorkers are fans of the Red Sox then they are of the Knicks. It’s hardly surprising considering that the Red Sox are clearly the better basketball team.

Pacers forward Mike Dunleavy told reporters that his father is his biggest fan. We are still searching for his second biggest fan.

The WWE has suspended wrestler Afa Anoai for violating their drug and steroid policy. By not taking them.

George Washington and St. Joseph’s played a game at the Washington Nationals’ new stadium. It will be the best baseball played there all season.

And Brian McNamee fainted while driving and crashed his car head-on into a city bus. Luckily, McNamee knows where to get painkillers. Ironically, the incident hurt less than sitting through a senate hearing.

The New York Knicks may replace Isiah Thomas with recently unemployed Donnie Walsh of the Indiana Pacers. Which will fix everything. It’s such a bad move that the Knicks would be better off with Donnie Wahlberg.

Cincinnati welcomed the opera to town. Then they realized it was just Chad Johnson saying, “me-me-me-me-me”.

And Vanderbilt unexpectedly lost to Sienna in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. In related news, Vanderbilt alum and Sports Minute writer Keith Alberstadt is selling a television with a hole in the screen. Keith, have heart. Your basketball team may have lost and your bracket may be busted, but there’s always football season. Oh. Nevermind.

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