The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Adam Hofstetter, Ryan Murphy, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The Dodgers and Padres played an exhibition game in China. Before they started, their bats were checked for both cork and lead.

Daisuke Matsuzaka’s wife has given birth to the couple’s first son. The newborn weighs 6 pounds, 10 ounces and is expected to pitch fifth in the Red Sox’s rotation.

The Rockets win streak is now at 21 games. Houston hasn’t seen something grow this long since Roger Clemens’ nose during a steroid hearing.

Miami guard Dwyane Wade has started to undergo shockwave therapy on his injured left knee. The treatment is almost as painful as playing for the Heat.

And the Cavaliers have signed center Lance Allred to a 10-day contract, making him the NBA’s first legally deaf player. Ironically, Allred is the only one who hasn’t heard the news.

The Denver Nuggets set a franchise record for most points in a regulation game by downing the Seattle SuperSonics 168-116. We haven’t seen anyone take a beating like that since Michael Jordan got divorced.

Miami forward Shawn Marion aggravated his sore back after backing his vehicle into a pole. Some people will do anything to avoid playing for the Heat.

Indiana Pacers Jamaal Tinsley and Marquis Daniels have avoided a trial on charges stemming from a 2007 bar fight. It’s the Pacers first victory all season.

Canada earned a berth in the Olympic baseball tournament, defeating South Korea 4-3. The victory was particularly surprising since the Canadians were using hockey sticks.

And NFL Films has laid off nearly 10 percent of its workers. Luckily, the crew has already found jobs with the New England Patriots.

A lockout in the NFL is a possibility in the next few years, and Dolphins fans couldn’t be happier. The announcement caused such a celebration in Miami, most people thought Castro died.

A new study shows that HGH use doesn’t improve strength or exercise capacity. It does, however, improve your ability to lie under oath.

Dice-K will start the Red Sox opener in Japan. It will be the most Japanese baseball game since the debut of PlayStation III.

And Larry Bird isn’t sure he’ll return as President of the Pacers. If he goes, the Pacers won’t stop him because they can’t stop anybody.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com